Guy I see regularly said 'you are my kind of woman. If I wasn't with my partner, I would go out with you'.
Errr? Would I not get a say in this Mr Saggy Tits? Furtle off limp bum.

 

Ended up in a text/email chat with a potential client that was going on for a few days before I got to his town... we were all friendly and having quite an intellectual conversation about a range of topics. That was until this happened....

Him: So when we finally meet up are you cool to play really rough full on PSE?
Me: To be honest I've had a bit of a bad run lately so I'm not playing rough. Totally understand if you want to see another girl (and maybe you should so you can make sure you have a good time).
Him: It's all good baby. We can just do a romantic gentle PSE.
Me: Isn't that a bit of an oxymoron?
Him: You're so rude, there is no need to take your moronic mood on me. I haven't been rude to you so don't call me a moron. I'm blocking you don't ever contact me again, go back to the country you come from.

Ummmm? I didn't call you a moron, but...... 

LMAO!!!!

Me: (after sex) Anyway what you up to this weekend?
Client: My granddaughter coming. Would you like to pop in for a chat? She is the same age as you....

Arrrgh   

One of my early clients who booked me for an oral only session, been quite annoying and didn't clean properly.
"I thought you said you could deepthroat, you didn't deepthroat me."
"Honey, I can't deepthroat what isn't there."
Shockingly he actually came back and is a better behaved reg now.

"Is that you're natural hair colour?" I just stared at him. My hair is dyed an obviously fake bright unnatural colour.

From a potential client: "Does the carpet match the drapes?"
"I have hardwood floors." I'm clean shaven, but it's hilarious as they try to work out whether I'm implying I have a cock.

"Can you fake an orgasm?"
"I used to work phone sex lines, what do you think?"
"Prove it."
*Cue faking orgasm noises*
"Is it weird that I feel both highly emasculated and turned on right now?"

"What's the weirdest thing a client's ever asked you to do?"
"Asked me to talk about other clients."

"Does your boyfriend want to join us for a threesome?"
"You couldn't afford him."

"You're not like most English girls."
"Probably because I'm Irish."

"Stop squirting!"
"Take the wand off my clit and I'll stop!"

"What do you tell your kids about you doing this work?"
"Who are you and how did you get in my home." (I don't have kids, the client knew this).

A regular: "That was amazing, you should go out with me."
"Hush, let's not ruin this wonderful thing we have going."

...I'm probably a bit too sarcastic with clients and potential clients.

I love this post!!  This thread is clearly your spiritual home 

Please, twitter needs you, would enjoy this on my feed 

Some more from the last couple of days.

"Being nearly twice your age, I'm of course much more experienced, but you'll know this when you're my age."
Raises eyebrow. "Dude, you've hired me to teach you how to spank."

"I've got quite a large cock, you sure you'll be able to suck it?"
"Better hope so, if I can't fit it in my mouth, no way it's going in my pussy."

"I think 50 shades of Grey typifies what all women really want."
"Oh my sweet summer child...no, just no."

"Maybe we could try bareback next time?"
"Okay fine... I won't put a condom on the strap on when I fuck you."
"Awesome...Wait, what?!"

While out for dinner with a client, note I don't drink (personal choice).
"Have a glass of wine with me?"
"I don't drink when I'm working."
"Surely this isn't work. We're just having fun."
"You really have no idea just how annoying you are, do you?"

I currently have an inflamed eye after a booking gave me an unexpected facial, resulting in me banning facials until it goes down.
"I know you said you're not letting anyone do it right now, but I can come on your face, right?"
*pops cock out of mouth* "Not if you want to live."

"Be honest with me, you masturbate thinking about me don't you?"
"Not even for a second."

"Can you fake squirting for me?"
"You realise you're asking me to piss in your face?"
"What?!"
"How else do you expect me to conjure up fluid without you putting the effort in? Grab a bottle and randomly splash you with it?"

"I want to watch your boyfriend fuck you."
"I'm not sure you'd recover from seeing yourself so thoroughly out performed."

One just phone me I was polite then he said can he just let me know he has got a big cock is that ok?. I replied with sure those who brag about thier cock size don't come for a booking. He laughed and said That he was just letting me know.

I replied yes I am letting him know too in a friendly voice. Then said please phone me 30 minutes before he would like. He laughed as I caught him out.

A client earlier was indesisive about booking for friday uming and aring. So I said if he wasnt sure about a booking nor am I it works both ways. If he had a bad experience with another I'm not going to craddle him like a baby lol.