A lovely client whilst  in missionary position decides to deactivate the lovely button by trying to spit into my mouth !!!!!!
I moved my face quickly to one side and miss the big blob of salvia I was about to be assaulted with .....i just had to ask him what in heavens name was that? and he seemed genuinely shocked and said " I thought all escorts like that,  the last two I saw did "

Gaaaaaah!!!!!  Nightmare!  I hate, hate, hate spitting, why some people think it is sexy is beyond my comprehension.  I had some fukin eejit spit on my pussy the other day and I told him off.  I don't friggin need it, I am wet enough, stop using porn shit on me.

Asshat!

#RAGE

I once pulled a clients foreskin back to give it the quick check over before putting it in my mouth, and I swear to God there was an actual ring of yellowy white solid cottage cheese-like substance round the tip of his cock under his foreskin. I couldn't believe it. He looked down and casually said whoops, have you got a baby wipe? A baby wipe are you fucking serious? He went to the bathroom and came back less than a minute later and about a quarter of it was still there. I said I'm sorry I can't continue I don't feel like that is healthy or normal. He was just like oh that's cool, you can use a condom if it makes you feel better. It's just a bit of sweat build of because I've been sat in a warm car driving for a couple of hours. No. Just no. Told him that sweat does not look and smell like off milk and cheese and to please leave and go directly to a doctor or A+E department, if a substance like that was coming from me I would be panicking like fuck!!!
He then had the cheek to say "you said that you do owo which isn't true is it?" I actually say subject to discretion, meaning not including dirty or smelly men, never mind one that seems to be smuggling half a pot of Langley farm under his foreskin. Christ on a bike! 

Yes i have seen a fair bit of cottage cheese around knobs.

One guy i saw ages ago came in smelling of aftershave and work suit so i thought that was a good start said he had just stepped out of shower. So i got him to wash his hands.

His penis stunk when i pulled the foreskin down it was riddled with crusty cottage cheese that you know had been there for a long time so the dirty bastard just does not wash his penis. I said to him oh my god look at this it's even STI or you never wash there or pull foreskin down to wash.

He said oh no its def no STI i think its just normal as i get tested regularly and doctor has always said all is fine with that.

What a lying filthy bastard no doctor would ever say a pot  of filthy crusty smelly gooey cottage cheese/camembert is perfectly fine.

He got hand relief with a condom on and i wanted to throw the filthy pig out with no refund or service but it's obvious it would cause a problem with discretion.

They have no shame and no self respect.

Yes i have seen a fair bit of cottage cheese around knobs.

One guy i saw ages ago came in smelling of aftershave and work suit so i thought that was a good start said he had just stepped out of shower. So i got him to wash his hands.

His penis stunk when i pulled the foreskin down it was riddled with crusty cottage cheese that you know had been there for a long time so the dirty bastard just does not wash his penis. I said to him oh my god look at this it's even STI or you never wash there or pull foreskin down to wash.

He said oh no its def no STI i think its just normal as i get tested regularly and doctor has always said all is fine with that.

What a lying filthy bastard no doctor would ever say a pot  of filthy crusty smelly gooey cottage cheese/camembert is perfectly fine.

He got hand relief with a condom on and i wanted to throw the filthy pig out with no refund or service but it's obvious it would cause a problem with discretion.

They have no shame and no self respect.

Maybe personal hygiene should be a compulsory subject at schools. (Especially for boys).

His penis stunk when i pulled the foreskin down it was riddled with crusty cottage cheese that you know had been there for a long time so the dirty bastard just does not wash his penis. I said to him oh my god look at this it's even STI or you never wash there or pull foreskin down to wash.

He said oh no its def no STI i think its just normal as i get tested regularly and doctor has always said all is fine with that.

What a lying filthy bastard no doctor would ever say a pot  of filthy crusty smelly gooey cottage cheese/camembert is perfectly fine.

They have no shame and no self respect.

UUUURRRRGH!!!!!!!!!For crying out loud !!! What in heavens name is wrong with these fithy beasts?? !!!!!!!!

A regular of mine asked for some anal play which I don't normally do but said yes as he's always very clean and trying to keep my regulars happy as not really seeing new clients at the moment.

So he turns up excited with his new glass dildo which I lube up and slip inside him whilst giving him oral. He keeps asking me to fill him up more which I do . Come the end of the booking he starts to panic saying he can't get the dildo out so I take a look and its somehow disappeared into his anus.

I end up having to try and get it out but soon give up. All I can think of is try the toilet if not go to A and E.

So he's taking ages in my bathroom so I go to check up on him. He managed to get it out but there is shit all over it and all over my sink plus the shit stains all over the toilet bowl and on his hands. Plus the stench almost makes me heave.

I made sure he cleaned it all up but the image has remained for days after.

Yuck :-(

It was about seven or eight inches with no flared base. We're both anal novices so live and learn but I won't be doing that again. There were literally small lumps of shit in my sink and shit stains smeared all over. Worsted thing I've ever experienced and I like things to be super clean.