Lol I wish I had two bodies, one could whore and the other one could eat chocolate watch Netflix and count whore Helens money.

Love it 

None of these guys can read!!! As far as I'm aware even though the penis has one eye it's totally blinded to anything but a nice dark hole, actually having said that reminds me of a mole. 

Has anybody had this email:

I would be v interested in making an Incall booking for 3hrs with you or straight to Overnite and bookings later.. I have regular checks at NHS Warrington STD Clinic and made my 86th Blood Tests and Donation on 7th July, previously tested in February 2016 and had Tests in June and October 2015, all results have been Negative for 25+ yrs and I will bring the latest NHS Merseyside NBTS Documents with me as proof and ID. I also got tested this week in London @ Dean St Clinic, so I am uptodate with everything, have certificate to prove it. I have one little request, I am not keen on condoms.

I would like Anal or Sex bareback, but NOT to completion, pull out and cum on your body or where you want me to. I will bring Champagne, Wine or Spirits if you prefer to make things more enjoyable. I can also bring exotic massage oils and creams, good quality poppers (no headache) or if u prefer something stronger white and Columbian!!. I also have a cock ring and tingly gel. I am fully shaven and looking for a regular, adventurous lady to see, which will include overnites.

I doubt he's go to that much trouble to get fake certs haha but maybe I'm being na?ve...(probably)

That very email has done the rounds loads over the years.If even a fraction of the escorts he sends this shit to go along with it then that's a hell of lot of bareback action going on,so so much for wanting a regular lady..idiot!

hahaha yep.

Let me guess, his idea of a "massage" would be him repeatedly rubbing his cock on the affected part 

So I found out this week why sub guys keep emailing me. My profile says I'm happy to give verbal humiliation and spanking, but nothing else. I'm not a pro domme. I keep getting requests to tie people up, beat them, foot worship, suffocation, all kinds of stuff that I have no experience in and am really not into.

Basically I'm a lot cheaper than pro dommes. So they're trying their luck trying to save ?100 by seeing someone who doesn't know what they're doing and could potentially cause some damage. Idiots. I'm taking all the kink stuff off my profile, I can't handle it.

I ended up caning a guy last week, I hadn't done it before (and told him so) and it was okay at the time but I felt shit after. I mean emotionally. Also my shoulder was killing me! I don't know how you pro dommes do it, massive respect.

Two winners in one day, what a lucky girl I must be 

The first was a regular, normally a decent bloke, called me drunk/stoned at 5:23am!!!

The second calls up wanting a bit of domination, not normally my thing, but I agree. Then he try's to haggle, Grrrr,  and when I refuse he starts whinging how it should be cheaper for as because he doesn't want sex.  At this point I just hang up and block him. What a wanker!!