How not to book an escort,world championships!

[Fallingstar]

Ive had such a bizarre time with oddball clients this week that i think we need to start a sweepstakes for your most insane potential client booking scenarios.

My own entries for the week are.

1.Text received yesterday from a guy wanting a booking because my 'ample bum and thighs make me his ideal woman'  I feel i must point out that I'm a UK size 8 so I'm not quite sure whose ample assets he was looking at!!

2. Email received Monday from guy wanting a 2 hour outcall (it had to be an outcall because he couldn't leave his dogs alone apparently) He had ?150 to pay me (?80 short of what i charge for a 2 hour outcall) but he could offer me a lift from home and back to compensate for the shortfall as long as i 'don't mind a licking from a Labrador'

3. Phonecall on Sunday from a client i have already seen twice who up until this point seemed quite sane. Wanted to know if i could see him for an hour but 'give him a discount as the credit crunch has bitten him hard'. When i politely told him i don't offer discounts he told me i hadn't seemed the 'type' of girl who would quibble for the sake of ?20

So please please share your own tall tales with me guys,help me to feel I'm not the only one dealing with this insanity.

[EmilyJones]

I don't get too many oddballs - either I don't advertise very well, or my site is incredibly off-putting, lol - could easily be both! Usually I just get 3-4 genuine queries a week which turn into actual bookings, plus a couple of nonsense emails/texts/calls that I just ignore so well that they don't even register on me brain.

But one guy that I can remember recently was a little odd. He sent me loooong emails about himself, his circumstances, his reason for wanting to punt for the first time, his wife... etc. He did ask in the first email about a specific time and date for a booking, so I accepted that and ignored the rest (honestly - the Punter's Etiquette Book should include something about how over-explaining your reasons for wanting to book an escort to the poor girl just makes her feel more uneasy! And it's completely unnecessary since it's really rather obvious why he wants to do it anyway). His emails (only 3 or 4 of them, not like 2,000 texts or anything) continued and he explained at length to me the feelings he was experiencing; first excitement, then concern, then guilt! 'Twas a regular soap opera. He ended up wanting to cancel the second half (bedroom half) of the booking and only take me for lunch, at half normal rate.

I'm sure others'll think I'm weird for this but I've said it before and it's true for me, I don't really like going out and 'dating' clients for hours, for various reasons. So I told him one of the reasons, which was that I didn't have time for lunch out that day, and declined the booking, and he never did reply. I'm not annoyed but am definitely a bit curious about it all! Either he was spinning a loooong complicated yarn, or he was just very open and a little vulnerable? Either way, definitely best he doesn't see me as I don't offer a Full Emotional Support For Everything That's Going Wrong In Your Life package! A sympathetic ear, yes, but honestly, I'm not qualified to treat anything serious and who's going to listen to advice from a WG sitting around in her pants?! Even though my advice is usually EXCELLENT, lol.

[brandy@saafe]

.........as long as i 'don't mind a licking from a Labrador'

Pmsl.... . That's hilarious.

When i politely told him i don't offer discounts he told me i hadn't seemed the 'type' of girl who would quibble for the sake of ?20

Bloody cheek. You should've said "what sort of man quibbles for the sake of ?20." I swear people don't think we've got our own bills to pay.

[LondonEvie]

Awww I got a text

( I don't accept texts from new people or unless previously agreed.) 

  Hi Eve  Just dropin u a msg to make meetin wit u, seen your profile on line and would love to meet u, bird jus dumped me and i'm free 4 fun if ur free babe let me know


Ok, so Eve, Evie...Almost the same name. though flipping between txtspk and actual real wurdz is a curious thing indeed, and the 'bird jus dumped me' line was a good touch

[UrbaneAspects]

Wanted to know if i could see him for an hour but 'give him a discount as the credit crunch has bitten him hard'.

If there is one thing you learn with having different characters, is that the same man hollering about a discount will turn around and hire someone again the very next week.

[Violette]

I received this one by text, wanting to know if I would give him a BJ for weed?

Guy called, and has been calling for weeks, wanting an appointment? Finally, made a booking, now I was getting texts and phone calls almost on the hour, then the idiot, asks if we can meet at the University, I say why, he wants to have sex in the on of the class rooms. I told him to fuck off.

[cassie]

I have had a number of weird texts, but this one is still top of the list for me and cracks me up everytime I think of it:

"I'm 16 and in desperate need of a free blowjob."

[cassie]

.........as long as i 'don't mind a licking from a Labrador'

Pmsl.... . That's hilarious.

PMSL too, but I would have said: "that would suit me fine, but the labrador licking incurs and extra charge of ?80." 

[EmilyJones]

I have had a number of weird texts, but this one is still top of the list for me and cracks me up everytime I think of it:

"I'm 16 and in desperate need of a free blowjob."

Lol! Really tugs at the heart-strings, that one.

[LondonEvie]

Lol! Really tugs at the heart-strings, that one.

I'm 25 and in desperate need of a free pair of Jimmy Choos.. Any takers??

[KatieKurves]

.........as long as i 'don't mind a licking from a Labrador'

Pmsl.... . That's hilarious.

PMSL too, but I would have said: "that would suit me fine, but the labrador licking incurs and extra charge of ?80." 

 

[KatieKurves]

I don't take bookings by text! This guy texted a couple of times so I told him to call me for an an appointment. Got about 8 texts straight after one another, I replied CALL ME FOR AN APPOINTMENT!!!!! I can't I'm driving!!!

Or the ones who ask for an OAP discount!!

It really makes you think sometimes dusn't it. 

xx

[pandora]

My personal fave was a text from one of my younger regulars who had recently lost his job.

"I don't have any money so can I just come round and wank in front of you?"

Followed by, (after I did not reply)

"If not, do you have any friends that would like me to stop by and wank?"


Another one I received when on cam was "can you do a quickie for a fiver?" - Obviuosly not! The reply was "I will go and book a tranny then"

Joy!

[Carla]

"If not, do you have any friends that would like me to stop by and wank?"

Send him in my direction- I"ll need something to watch once big brother is over for another year.

One of my most memorable was a lovely request from a gentleman to meet as friends, where I would be pleasured by this obviously very selfless man whose main priority was to give me a good time. How thoughtful of him:

"I'd be more into pleasurin u then anything. U work 2 hard and should be treated special and that's what I'd do 4 u."

followed quickly by:

"I'm hopin we can meet up at a friend level where ur not "workin" it'll make the sex so much more passionate. I'm sure u don't get that much. U should give me a discount seein as I'm more focused in givin u pleasure more then anything else "

After being ignored:

"Uve neva given a discount or had sex 4 free?"

and about three hours later:

"I was just askin werent implyin nuffin I'm def willin 2 spend money on u who wouldn't ur an absolute knock out"

I kept them all because the whole conversation still makes me laugh like a drain. Berk.

[Violette]

All this technology has a lot to answer for, now instead of giving idiots a cooling off period, they can spread all their silliness all over the place, and sometimes for free. OI VEY!