Clients (had 2 this week, mid twenties) that turn up and try and act out a porn scene.
I offer GFE.
Chucked this first guy out after half hour & told the second one straight that I DO NOT offer this kind of service or enjoy it.

Had a bloke like this yesterday. He clearly hadn’t read my profile and wanted a complete porno experience.
Had told him beforehand what was on offer but when he came in he was all pulling my hair and scrunching up my boobs with his hands. Asking ‘what are your limits then?’

Had to put him straight AGAIN and he was wondering why I couldn’t climax....I mean I can’t usually do that with clients anyway but when they think by digging at you for two minutes you are going to start squirting everywhere .....come on!!!!

He paid for two hours and left after the first hour! I was a happy bunny

Had one yesterday who left my bathroom in a state after having a shower. Wet towel dumped on the floor, piss in the toilet that he hadn’t flushed away, my shower gels and shampoos etc strewn around, spit in my sink and he’d even taken the lids off two of my bubble baths and not put them back on. Weirdo!

When they:

1. Struggle with getting hard but insist I waste a condom attempting to have sex. Thumbing in a marshmallow ffs
2. Leave their socks on - what is this a rest home?
3. Constantly talk about how much they like boundary pushing type sex - I offer a vanilla GFE experience ffs
4. Stick their baby nappy tasting tongue in my mouth literally for the whole booking
5. Ask so what turns you on/what do you like ffs
6. Constantly talk dirty and expect me to join in. I don't
7. Insist on seeing how many fingers they can shove inside you. WTF is that about?
8. Love a BJ but can't be arsed for a manscape so you're constantly picking pubes out of the back of your throat like a bloody furball
9. Struggle to string a sentence together

I screamed when I was reading this...LITERALLY! What I constantly go through, either 1 or 2 of these a lot of clients do.

I've recently had a row of these happen in the past couple of weeks...

1. When they want to flirt with you via text (like I have nothing else to do with my time) when they know they have no intention of booking you
2. When they want to lower your prices for your 15 mins
3. When they text you..."Hey baby xxxxx" like bro I'm not your baby!
4. One's that constantly call on PRIVATE, come on, I'm not picking up cuz I already know you're a timewaster
5. Clients that come coke up still expecting to have sex..(cuz their dick won't get hard)..*Al Pacino's voice* "We both know that ain't going to happen"
6. Clients making me give them head for 45 mins just because they can't get hard "YOOO my mouth is tired"
7. Ones that text..."are you working" "u available" "u want a good fuck"....FIRST OF ALL..."HEEEEELLLLOOOOOO"
8. Clients that assume because I'm black I'm going to fulfill their pornhub fantasy of doing.."swallowing cum" "anal" and all sort. No can do Sir.

Well I'm glad I got that off my chest hahaha

Some idiot just called me:
Me: Hello?
Twat: What's ur postcode?
Me: Not even a "hello:?
Twat: Oh...uh...umm...
HUNG UP!!

Seriously, where's the respect??

I'd just be ready for the next rude caller who just says "postcode" with "have you got enough money"   

Try to get a condom on a soft dick and then proceed to squash it in. No.

Idiots.

Oh yes that one. Like trying to get a marshmallow through a tiny buttonhole. 

I had one, as I was getting us a glass of water, attempt to put a discarded condom on his floppy dick  As I turned round and realised what he was doing he said "Oh its ok to re use them isn't it? I said no course it isn't I've got plenty!!! WTF!!! 

What the actual fuck hahahahahahah

Was it his condom or someone else's?! 

It was his, but I think at that point he wouldn't have cared even if it was the bloke's before him, he just desperately wanted it on and in again 

I know, grim isn't it lol