Author Topic: Outting Yourself (Read 8977 times)

victoryrose · « **on:** 22 July 2015, 06:09:41 pm »

I wanted to start a discussion on this because it's something that is starting to have a great influence upon my life and almost everything I'm involved with.

To start with, who here has outted themselves voluntarily? I don't just mean to friends but also those of you that have went considerably further and tell people whenever work comes up, or outright in public, etc. Those of you that are outted in this way, do you also show face on your profile/reveal more of yourself to clients?

I was never really that bothered about 100% closed identity, and was so liberal that I ended up getting myself kicked out of sixth form because I was more than happy to tell the head how I intended to fund my final year of A Levels. Thankfully, as you all know, I got a uni place instead. As far as I know, unis can't actually kick you out for doing this (they'd at least have a job on their hands). My tutor knows but has had me promise that I won't tell any other member of staff, a promise I intend to keep.

But that says nothing for everyone else. All my friends know, my Mum knows, the political groups I'm a part of certainly know. Whenever work comes up I'll be vague at first or just say I'm a student, but if I'm seeing someone regularly then I'll let them know so there isn't a block in discussion. I will on occasion tell entire groups at once. I see it both as a way of unburdening myself and not having to hide what is a huge part of my life (I'm getting increasingly involved in SW activism and it's a hassle to keep that away from everyone), as well as an opportunity to educate people. And sometimes to shock people, because I am a quiet, nerdy geek and a ball of anxiety - to get told that I'm a whore on it's own will break down some barriers. Though of course that is the case for pretty much everyone doing this job.

Have I ran into trouble? A little bit. I'm a massive feminist but certain groups have almost unanimously rejected me. This is a positive thing, as I can now use this as a way of selecting which feminist groups I'd want to ever support in the first place. I've received a bit of animosity from various members of social circles and so on, they are almost always women and almost always insecure in some way, so I put it down to simple jealousy. I don't hate them and only hope they'll come around some day, but it doesn't bother me any more than if they hate me for any other reason.

This hasn't impacted my work very much, though I reveal lots about my activism and personality (to the point where a client has found my actual Facebook through knowledge of this, though knowing what I look like is required). I think it'll be a while before I ever consider putting up face pics because that's the link between people I haven't seen being able to track down my real identity. I will probably reign things in a bit soon and try to be more careful. Only for fear of my career, which will be based in academia, though I want to research sex and I can't see this being the biggest issue ever in 20 years or so.

Am I being optimistic/idealistic/naive? Probably. But life is too short, and I already have a small support system that I know is okay with my doing this, so if the rest of the world turns it's back on me then whatever. I think a part of why I am so okay with this is because, as an immigrant who's life will be fucked if we leave the EU, I feel like the world very much already has rejected me. So fuck you, look how much I'm earning in the face of your ridiculous laws and your ridiculous government. Look at the life I'm building.

Maybe this will bite me in the ass soon enough. We'll see.

Anyway, if you've stuck around this long, I'd love to hear experiences from people on various levels of the outting spectrum, and feel free to tell me I'm digging my own grave.

Lucie268 · « **Reply #1 on:** 22 July 2015, 06:22:45 pm »

Usually if I meet someone in a social setting I will tell them what I do if the question comes up, which it usually does. Mostly I do this because I hate lying to people but also I don't want to feel any shame in what I do. Also if anyone I do meet has negative things to say it just means I can vet out any assholes before they get any closer to me. Whilst I'm open, I don't link myself with my advertising, so there's no face pictures there (mainly because my parents don't know what I do).

I totally feel you in regards to feminist group shunning you - sadly lots are like that.

It's so horrible that happened to you at sixth form, surely that shouldn't be allowed?

I hope your situation stays happy and healthy like it is now. There are plenty of sex workers and former sex workers in the academic field who are doing well and are well respected.

meetingdiversity · « **Reply #2 on:** 22 July 2015, 06:34:06 pm »

If you feel comfortable doing this way that is good as I wouldn't dream of outing myself to many people. Only a few know about this, it is kept quiet as know what society is like. So there is no point possible hindering my chances. When outside in personal it is a complete different me.

I told a few dates before it went further.
Sorry but it is a bit like causing yourself problems by being so open. But if happy with this fair play. I like being discreet and know clients like me to also.

Any prozzy acting very open with many civies creates problems as not all agree with whoring. It is just the way it is in life.

amy · « **Reply #3 on:** 22 July 2015, 06:34:47 pm »

I think banging on about people 'outing' themselves is a bit melodramatic - nobody I've met made such heavy weather of it and if somebody asks me what I do for a living I tell them, just as I would if I was a florist or a plumber.

I don't tell people who don't ask, and I only make a job up when it's for reasons of personal safety/security and so on. Obviously it's different for those who face the sack if they're linked to sex work, but that doesn't apply to many people I know - it's a job like any other and I suspect a good few who were hoping for howls of moral outrage and being the focus of all the attention have been disappointed over the years when nobody's really that interested.

Maybe it's my age, but I've long since learned that nobody else finds anybody quite as fascinating as they find themselves. People, especially barely-known acquaintances, have lives of their own and more important things to think about.

victoryrose · « **Reply #4 on:** 22 July 2015, 06:47:43 pm »

That's exactly what I'm beginning to realise, Amy, and it's a big relief. I think I probably get a bit more of a reaction purely because those I'm socialising with are between 18 and 25 and generally anything worth gossiping about is great to them, but as with everything, I know something else will come along for them to feast on in time.

MD, I can see in terms of discretion for clients it being an issue, but I'm not so open that I'm telling strangers in the street, I mean moreso if I'm at a social gathering and we're discussing work, I'll say I'm a sex worker. Sometimes I get shocked (not moral shock) reactions, other times I get a sort of "Oh cool" and then move on sort of reaction, which is nice. Being in very liberal circles helps a bit, but I do worry about closing my job opportunities up a bit. In fact, today I applied for a little research position at the university, and I was actually thinking that if I was so out that various lecturers knew, it could have potentially impacted my being selected. (There is then an inner dialogue of "Pff, I wouldn't want to work for them anyway" but that only works as long as I'm doing okay enough to manage financially without such opportunities, which won't be forever).

Lucie, re: the vetting out assholes, that's pretty much exactly why I started. It's a great method. I read about the workers on here that don't have any friends that know and just can't imagine living that way. I feel very privileged to be able to talk to my friends about it, and especially my Mum too.

Shewolf · « **Reply #5 on:** 22 July 2015, 07:41:10 pm »

Quote from: victoryrose on 22 July 2015, 06:47:43 pm

That's exactly what I'm beginning to realise, Amy, and it's a big relief. I think I probably get a bit more of a reaction purely because those I'm socialising with are between 18 and 25 and generally anything worth gossiping about is great to them, but as with everything, I know something else will come along for them to feast on in time.

MD, I can see in terms of discretion for clients it being an issue, but I'm not so open that I'm telling strangers in the street, I mean moreso if I'm at a social gathering and we're discussing work, I'll say I'm a sex worker. Sometimes I get shocked (not moral shock) reactions, other times I get a sort of "Oh cool" and then move on sort of reaction, which is nice. Being in very liberal circles helps a bit, but I do worry about closing my job opportunities up a bit. In fact, today I applied for a little research position at the university, and I was actually thinking that if I was so out that various lecturers knew, it could have potentially impacted my being selected. (There is then an inner dialogue of "Pff, I wouldn't want to work for them anyway" but that only works as long as I'm doing okay enough to manage financially without such opportunities, which won't be forever).

Lucie, re: the vetting out assholes, that's pretty much exactly why I started. It's a great method. I read about the workers on here that don't have any friends that know and just can't imagine living that way. I feel very privileged to be able to talk to my friends about it, and especially my Mum too.

Can I just ask...what about the future? What if you end up with a family (children etc) of your own? Would you regret being so open now? Do you think being open in this way would have consequences down the line you cannot at the moment foresee? I'm just wondering if this has been considered by yourself x

victoryrose · « **Reply #6 on:** 22 July 2015, 07:44:07 pm »

I would hope that I'd bring up any children I should have (doubt I would) to be accepting of sex, given that I am literally studying to be a sexologist, and I would assume that I'd be as open with them as I see fit depending on their age. In terms of a husband (or a wife), I make it abundantly clear what I do before even touching somebody in that way, and I've had no problems dating since the relationship I was in at the beginning ended. In fact, recently I fell in love with someone that's also a sex worker, but it's not materialising as he's moving away (what a great dynamic that would be though!). The only consequences I'm worried about are employment opportunities, that massively terrifies me, but I think having a family in which my past in this was known about is totally possible. They'd certainly know of my activism and any research I do, and my history and immigrant status, this is a vital part of my story and I'd like to think I'd share it with them.

amy · « **Reply #7 on:** 22 July 2015, 07:52:07 pm »

Quote from: victoryrose on 22 July 2015, 06:47:43 pm

That's exactly what I'm beginning to realise, Amy, and it's a big relief. I think I probably get a bit more of a reaction purely because those I'm socialising with are between 18 and 25 and generally anything worth gossiping about is great to them, but as with everything, I know something else will come along for them to feast on in time.

That's really what I meant - if you behave as if something is a massive deal, then people will react and respond accordingly, so you can hardly blame them. If you behave as if it's completely unremarkable and just go about your business like everybody else, others will see it for what it is - a completely ordinary job that people do every day

.

Mirror · « **Reply #8 on:** 22 July 2015, 07:55:41 pm »

Quote from: amy on 22 July 2015, 07:52:07 pm

Quote from: victoryrose on 22 July 2015, 06:47:43 pm
That's exactly what I'm beginning to realise, Amy, and it's a big relief. I think I probably get a bit more of a reaction purely because those I'm socialising with are between 18 and 25 and generally anything worth gossiping about is great to them, but as with everything, I know something else will come along for them to feast on in time.

That's really what I meant - if you behave as if something is a massive deal, then people will react and respond accordingly, so you can hardly blame them. If you behave as if it's completely unremarkable and just go about your business like everybody else, others will see it for what it is - a completely ordinary job that people do every day .

Yes I reveal my occupation as and when appropriate, it was scary at first but I had so many "what were you so worried about" type comments I realised that it's not such a big deal to many others out there.

I do have to say that some of my clients were not very supportive and told me I was making a mistake, but I am pretty sure that was their stuff, that they were afraid and possibly a bit ashamed.

For me there have been situations where it would have caused me harm to have concealed it - perhaps not at first, but later down the line after significant time and investment it could have dealt a big blow, so to be upfront was the best way forward.

I don't blurt it out to everyone and only reveal when asked, and in the right circumstances.

Shewolf · « **Reply #9 on:** 22 July 2015, 08:06:18 pm »

Quote from: victoryrose on 22 July 2015, 07:44:07 pm

I would hope that I'd bring up any children I should have (doubt I would) to be accepting of sex, given that I am literally studying to be a sexologist, and I would assume that I'd be as open with them as I see fit depending on their age. In terms of a husband (or a wife), I make it abundantly clear what I do before even touching somebody in that way, and I've had no problems dating since the relationship I was in at the beginning ended. In fact, recently I fell in love with someone that's also a sex worker, but it's not materialising as he's moving away (what a great dynamic that would be though!). The only consequences I'm worried about are employment opportunities, that massively terrifies me, but I think having a family in which my past in this was known about is totally possible. They'd certainly know of my activism and any research I do, and my history and immigrant status, this is a vital part of my story and I'd like to think I'd share it with them.

Your perspective is interesting. I just think that to be open with kids of any age about this could be to burden them with something that is impossible for them to understand unless they were in your shoes. It may frighten and/or alienate them from you. You are obviously a brave person to be so open but in a world such as this one, you should take care of yourself also as so many nasty judgemental people out there who could cause you and any family you have massive problems. I think that to declare yourself as outside of the 'norm' is a huge risk x

Kay · « **Reply #10 on:** 22 July 2015, 08:56:27 pm »

I'd echo Shewolf's first comment. As well as a husband and children, you don't know how your life is going to turn out. What if you should end up with a big corporate career? I think it's great that you're out and proud, but it could have ramifications down the line if the world and his wife knew you were a SW in your youth. So for example, I'd think carefully about attaching your real name to things.

The chances are you'll be fine, but it might be safest to act with caution for now.

TheLittleMatchGirl · « **Reply #11 on:** 22 July 2015, 09:01:32 pm »

Quote from: Shewolf on 22 July 2015, 08:06:18 pm

Quote from: victoryrose on 22 July 2015, 07:44:07 pm
I would hope that I'd bring up any children I should have (doubt I would) to be accepting of sex, given that I am literally studying to be a sexologist, and I would assume that I'd be as open with them as I see fit depending on their age. In terms of a husband (or a wife), I make it abundantly clear what I do before even touching somebody in that way, and I've had no problems dating since the relationship I was in at the beginning ended. In fact, recently I fell in love with someone that's also a sex worker, but it's not materialising as he's moving away (what a great dynamic that would be though!). The only consequences I'm worried about are employment opportunities, that massively terrifies me, but I think having a family in which my past in this was known about is totally possible. They'd certainly know of my activism and any research I do, and my history and immigrant status, this is a vital part of my story and I'd like to think I'd share it with them.

Your perspective is interesting. I just think that to be open with kids of any age about this could be to burden them with something that is impossible for them to understand unless they were in your shoes. It may frighten and/or alienate them from you. You are obviously a brave person to be so open but in a world such as this one, you should take care of yourself also as so many nasty judgemental people out there who could cause you and any family you have massive problems. I think that to declare yourself as outside of the 'norm' is a huge risk x

I don't think kids would have as much of an issue with it as you imagine. Fine they'd not want it to be common knowledge in their school but I think kids can be pretty open minded, especially if you raise them well. Also I imagine you're not talking about telling your 8 year old about a past life but being open with them about what you used to do when it's age appropriate

TheLittleMatchGirl · « **Reply #12 on:** 22 July 2015, 09:03:37 pm »

Quote from: KayHerts on 22 July 2015, 08:56:27 pm

I'd echo Shewolf's first comment. As well as a husband and children, you don't know how your life is going to turn out. What if you should end up with a big corporate career? I think it's great that you're out and proud, but it could have ramifications down the line if the world and his wife knew you were a SW in your youth. So for example, I'd think carefully about attaching your real name to things.

The chances are you'll be fine, but it might be safest to act with caution for now.

This is the only reason I keep relative anonymity. I'm 26 so who knows what/where I'll want to be in another 20 years, I don't want to put myself in a corner

Shewolf · « **Reply #13 on:** 22 July 2015, 09:16:23 pm »

Quote from: TheLittleMatchGirl on 22 July 2015, 09:01:32 pm

Quote from: Shewolf on 22 July 2015, 08:06:18 pm
Quote from: victoryrose on 22 July 2015, 07:44:07 pm
I would hope that I'd bring up any children I should have (doubt I would) to be accepting of sex, given that I am literally studying to be a sexologist, and I would assume that I'd be as open with them as I see fit depending on their age. In terms of a husband (or a wife), I make it abundantly clear what I do before even touching somebody in that way, and I've had no problems dating since the relationship I was in at the beginning ended. In fact, recently I fell in love with someone that's also a sex worker, but it's not materialising as he's moving away (what a great dynamic that would be though!). The only consequences I'm worried about are employment opportunities, that massively terrifies me, but I think having a family in which my past in this was known about is totally possible. They'd certainly know of my activism and any research I do, and my history and immigrant status, this is a vital part of my story and I'd like to think I'd share it with them.

Your perspective is interesting. I just think that to be open with kids of any age about this could be to burden them with something that is impossible for them to understand unless they were in your shoes. It may frighten and/or alienate them from you. You are obviously a brave person to be so open but in a world such as this one, you should take care of yourself also as so many nasty judgemental people out there who could cause you and any family you have massive problems. I think that to declare yourself as outside of the 'norm' is a huge risk x

I don't think kids would have as much of an issue with it as you imagine. Fine they'd not want it to be common knowledge in their school but I think kids can be pretty open minded, especially if you raise them well. Also I imagine you're not talking about telling your 8 year old about a past life but being open with them about what you used to do when it's age appropriate

This game is hard to get out of so the woman may still be doing it in the future so it won't necessarily be her telling the older child what she 'used' to do. Indeed, I think for a male child in particular at any age (even grown up), to discover their mother has sex with lots of different men and takes a risk every time she meets them is not going to go down well ever, however open minded they be. They would naturally be concerned for their mother....

victoryrose · « **Reply #14 on:** 22 July 2015, 09:28:53 pm »

Quote from: KayHerts on 22 July 2015, 08:56:27 pm

What if you should end up with a big corporate career?

I'm a massive socialist. That's not going to happen. My future lies in research and/or leftie politics (not in parliament). Only reason I'm so certain about this is due to my various issues with doing normal things (dyspraxic, yay). A job like that will never be for me. I won't even go into corporate psychology, no matter how good the pay is.

Though the biggest thing here re: children and work and so on, is that I presume (and hope to god) that I won't be doing the work during. Which means people are even less likely to care. Oh great, I did sex work between 18 and 28 because I was homeless and then got deported from the UK as a result of our EU departure. What a massive scandal!..? I'm sure my co-workers that spend their lives researching genitals and paedophilia for a living are really going to balk.

Quote from: TheLittleMatchGirl on 22 July 2015, 09:01:32 pm

Quote from: Shewolf on 22 July 2015, 08:06:18 pm
Quote from: victoryrose on 22 July 2015, 07:44:07 pm
I would hope that I'd bring up any children I should have (doubt I would) to be accepting of sex, given that I am literally studying to be a sexologist, and I would assume that I'd be as open with them as I see fit depending on their age. In terms of a husband (or a wife), I make it abundantly clear what I do before even touching somebody in that way, and I've had no problems dating since the relationship I was in at the beginning ended. In fact, recently I fell in love with someone that's also a sex worker, but it's not materialising as he's moving away (what a great dynamic that would be though!). The only consequences I'm worried about are employment opportunities, that massively terrifies me, but I think having a family in which my past in this was known about is totally possible. They'd certainly know of my activism and any research I do, and my history and immigrant status, this is a vital part of my story and I'd like to think I'd share it with them.

Your perspective is interesting. I just think that to be open with kids of any age about this could be to burden them with something that is impossible for them to understand unless they were in your shoes. It may frighten and/or alienate them from you. You are obviously a brave person to be so open but in a world such as this one, you should take care of yourself also as so many nasty judgemental people out there who could cause you and any family you have massive problems. I think that to declare yourself as outside of the 'norm' is a huge risk x

I don't think kids would have as much of an issue with it as you imagine. Fine they'd not want it to be common knowledge in their school but I think kids can be pretty open minded, especially if you raise them well. Also I imagine you're not talking about telling your 8 year old about a past life but being open with them about what you used to do when it's age appropriate

Yeah, I'm not saying I'd be out and proud about it when they're seven. I'd leave it to their teen years and by then we'd have had many a discussion about prostitution, because I'm that kind of person.

Quote from: Shewolf on 22 July 2015, 09:16:23 pm

This game is hard to get out of so the woman may still be doing it in the future so it won't necessarily be her telling the older child what she 'used' to do. Indeed, I think for a male child in particular at any age (even grown up), to discover their mother has sex with lots of different men and takes a risk every time she meets them is not going to go down well ever, however open minded they be. They would naturally be concerned for their mother....

All due respect of course, Shewolf, but first you assumed that I'd have kids at all and now you're assuming that I'd still be sex working after I'd had them. I can envision myself struggling a bit with the lowered income... Ah, wait, no I can't because I barely make enough to pay taxes. Remember, I'm a student, I'm part-time, and will likely never live on this full-time, so my "real job" will always pay me more than this does. As for anything else I get out of it... I'll probably be bored after ten or so years, if I even last that long. I don't hate this job, but my departure will be welcome.

(To respond generally):

I'm not speaking in definites here because you never know, but generally the way we live life is by making decisions based on general ideas we have about the likeliness of our future path. Right? If I made every decision in life with the conscious thought that things might turn out the complete opposite way I expect them, then I'd never have applied to uni, or volunteered for positions on things, or anything, because in the future I'm a massive neoliberal sleeping with George Osbourne and working for a prostitute-hating company that directly contributes to colonialism. I have a vague idea of the direction I'm headed, this might cause problems yeah but I don't think they will be apocalyptic.

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Author Topic: Outting Yourself (Read 8977 times)

victoryrose

Outting Yourself

Lucie268

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meetingdiversity

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amy

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victoryrose

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Shewolf

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victoryrose

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amy

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Mirror

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Shewolf

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Kay

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TheLittleMatchGirl

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TheLittleMatchGirl

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Shewolf

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victoryrose

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