The second one is sad but the first one, OMG. I kept reading because it kept making me laugh.

Yup! That first one... Isnt that a film already? If not live action, then its got to be a Manga cartoon from the late 90's... Hmm...

Well my jealousy phase is over! I finally got a loser with a loser email! Doesnt quite rank as high as most that i've read so far on here... But its a good start!

"hello darling

i have a proposal for you


i live in a 2BR very spacious clean and modern flat in london sutton zone 5


i have a very nice spare room that i can give you to live in completely free in exchange for ocassional sex. you can continue to work as escort outside the house. you will live in completely free and with full freedom


i am 32 years, settled professionally. i prefer to keep our relation discreet


let me know if this interests you. this is a very genuine proposal


kisses
Loserboy"

Wow! I better go pack my suitcase! 

The first one - jeebus! "FUCK ON TOP" is going to be a phrase I try to randomly insert into every conversation I have this week. I imagine it has to be yelled in a state of complete overexcitement as though, for instance, you'd just written a really pointlessly long fantasy out so that you could spam it to a bunch of hookers. Perhaps with a little hop/jig when yelling it, too.

ha ha ha ha:-)))  I found "FUCK ON TOP" hilarious too.
I was in hysterics at the parts where her nipples and tits were getting shot to pieces but she still wanted to ride his probably by this stage,  rigor-mortised member! lmao

Coty xxx

Heres another douchebag! His first email was enquiring about an overnight booking where he offered to pay less than half the money i charge... Twit... I responded anyway by declining his generous offer... This is his response...

"shame we can't meet but you can't have it all

i like a drink, but most only in the weekend

i like a but not all the time

so profile, ? what can i say

x"

Um...? You could try saying that in plain English for a start...    I didnt feel the need to reply to that one! I didnt ask about his drinking habits... A? I assume he means anal... Didnt ask about that... Hmm...

Have just had this email through from AW...

subject:  you xxx

  fancy tonight???

xxxx

fancy what, tonight, exactly? Being Sunday night I can only presume he means a pint of Ben and Jerrys Cherry Garcia and 5 episodes of Game of Thrones I've been meaning to watch. Yeah, sure, I fancy a bit of that, thanks!

"hello darling

i have a proposal for you


i live in a 2BR very spacious clean and modern flat in london sutton zone 5


i have a very nice spare room that i can give you to live in completely free in exchange for ocassional sex. you can continue to work as escort outside the house. you will live in completely free and with full freedom


i am 32 years, settled professionally. i prefer to keep our relation discreet


let me know if this interests you. this is a very genuine proposal


kisses
Loserboy"

AGAIN!!! Boy, is he desperate!

Haha! I replied just to tell him he already asked me that and my answer is NO! He replied saying 'sorry'... Think he's gone now!

OMG just put it into Word to check, and that professional killer fantasy one is 1940 "words" (I use that loosely, not sure if U and scramming really count...) long. That's dedication.

Friday - permission to share that with anyone I can get to look at it at every possible opportunity? The world needs to see! You should do a dramatic reading of it or something on Youtube as well. Literally the funniest sex story I've ever read (and I spent my teens reading erotic Phantom of the Opera fanfiction...)

Be my guest! lol It's such nonsense did he really think we would act it out word for word??? Not that it's hard, it pretty much repeats itselfs!  

Oh didnt I mention my response too his 1940 word email was excactly: "I dont offer roleplay" 

Friday, the second one sounds (actual) Schizophrenia and/or extreme Ned (Glasgow term). Very weird indeed  

Really I was totally baffled! OH said not too respond to it, not that I would. That's majorily strange on a whole new level!