I do my screening by text and only speak to them once I feel they might be genuine.

So by text replies to my questions -

Coffin Dodger: Hi I'm so and so, 66 yrs old and I would like a 15 min booking.
Me: No. At your age its going to take you 10 mins to take your clothes off.

Don't get me wrong I prefer the older gent. Especially the ones that text you in full and proper english.

  priceless

But it's sooooo true.

Let's put on our underwear. Now we have to look for our socks *shuffles around*. Now you slowly have to turn your shirt 👚right side out, bc you were such a Neanderthal you couldn't do that prior .... where's our jeans 👖...?

*me, tapping slippered foot & pulling a Miranda Priestly*
"By all means move at a glacial pace, you know how that thrills me."

I have a reg who moves at snail pace. Luckily he books 2 hours minimum. I have to allow 30 mins or so for him to leave  And he's in his 60's!

I do my screening by text and only speak to them once I feel they might be genuine.

So by text replies to my questions -

Coffin Dodger: Hi I'm so and so, 66 yrs old and I would like a 15 min booking.
Me: No. At your age its going to take you 10 mins to take your clothes off.

Don't get me wrong I prefer the older gent. Especially the ones that text you in full and proper english.

Not necessarily, I’ve met older clients who are fit as a fiddle!

In the last few days:

Clients starting AW emails with "hello treacle!"
Clients whatsapping dick pictures to my (work) phone
An email saying "you look fat as you chatting."

I don't understand, is that slang? Or is he calling me fat?

"you know how that thrills me."

Will be my heart-felt response when a dozy client asks me how such and such feels

Picks the cheapest service and tried to tag on free stuff.
Then they magically lose their ability to count.

Random-I'd like to book the £40, 15 minute session
Me-Fine
Random- Have you got black, elbow length, silk opera gloves
Me-Yes
Random- Ok I'll see you in 30 minutes
Me-They're not included in the fee
Random-Wot!
Me-They're not included in the fee, would you like to pay for the costume?
Random- Yes how much
Me- £10 extra
Random- OK
Me-See you soon.
Random- You don't sound happy about it.
(Translation- He doesn't want to cough up)

Me-I'm happy that you're paying the extra for the costume.
(In my head, I'm yawning you're a tedious, scrounging piece of poo of no interest to me whatsoever.)

Random How much is it the total?
Me-£40 and £10 for the costume
Random-I don't think I'll bother
Me-That's fine
(Thank f* for that! so happy he's cancelled cause he would be too annoying)

Asks what services I offer (sure he's wanking )
Refer him back to the profile asap polity
He doesn't bother getting back to me ..maybe he can't read !