Are you a newbie?

Here's a quickie guide of the (untrue!) things you're most likely to hear as a newbie, in no particular order:

  1. “Sapphire down the road provides this service. Why can't you?”
  2. “Sapphire down the road charges £50 less.”
  3. “Sapphire down the road doesn't mind going over time." (Isn't Sapphire a gem?)
  4. “Can I pay you by cheque?”
  5. “I forgot my wallet; can I pay you next week? I'm going to become a regular client,” or:
  6. “If you give me a discount today I'll become a regular client.”
  7. “I can do you a (better) website in exchange for free services.”
  8. “I can be your security in exchange for a free service.”
  9. “I can be your driver in exchange for free services.
  10. “I can take (better) photos in exchange for free services (you get the picture).”
  11. “Let's you and me team up together to provide a couples service, I'll get free sex we'll get more work."
  12. “Sapphire down the road doesn't mind me calling/texting/emailing at random times of the day/night for no particular reason.” (She's back!)
  13. “I don't give out my personal details to other ladies who visit me at home, why do you need them?”
  14. “Can I pay you by cheque? I've never had a problem with other ladies accepting them.”
  15. “Can you describe what you're going to do me/what we'll get up to in our time together?” (In other words he's asking for wanking material).
  16. “I'll give you (£insertwhateveryoulikehere) if you do bareback with me."
  17. “We don't need to use a condom, I only have sex with my wife."
  18. “Do you have any more pictures please?” (Even though you have 5 galleries worth on your site.)
  19. “Can I have some more details please?” Or variations thereof; sometimes prefixed with: “I haven't seen your website, a friend gave me your number…” or “the computer 'crashed' just after I managed to write your phone number down…”
  20. 20. “I'm a prolific reviewer” (translated it means "pull out all the stops for me or I'll threaten you with a bad review".)

The above is not to be confused with the hundreds and thousands of lovely gentlemen out there who make this job worthwhile and keep our bread buttered. Remember, if you hear any of the above, they're either not genuine or they're a bit dodgy. But don't worry, you'll soon sort the wheat from the chaff!