The funny side of escorting

The Funny Side of Escorting!

Various escorts keep diaries or blogs. It gives an insight into their day to day experiences both as an escort and as just a woman who happens to be in a very unusual occupation. Here some ladies share some of their funniest moments in this illustrious job of ours, many thanks ladies, for your contributions :

A lesson in discretion – or not!

"I had moved into my first working flat in a very quiet area at the end of a cul du sac. I took my first booking for a Sunday afternoon. I did say to Andy (a reg now) that I had just moved in so please be discreet. So there I am looking out my window waiting for said client when a huge truck pulls up pulling a 20ft sailing boat. 'Jesus Christ,' I think, 'How the hell is he gonna turn around in that, poor sod must be lost… Oh no! He's not lost at all — its my bloody client!!' Turns out he moves boats for a living. When I said, 'Thanks for being discreet', he said, 'Oh sorry, I forget they're there I am so used to towing 'em!!' You really don't want to know how many cars had to move so he could get out and how many neighbours came out to watch."

"I'll tell you about Christmas just gone when on the phone the gent went over and over asking me am I discreet, is my house quiet, will anyone see me, etc. etc. I reassured him that everything will be fine. When I open the door to him, to my shock, he is standing there in full Father Christmas gear, complete with white beard and pillow up the jumper – his opening words to me were 'ho ho ho,' lol. So much for HIM asking ME if I am discreet!"

…Ladies, when you do your security checks, make sure you've got the correct hotel, too!

"I had a request for an outcall to Glasgow and did my security checks etc. and headed off. I got there, knocked on the door and waited. A middle-aged balding man opened the door, he was obviously just out of the shower and wearing a towel. I flashed him a big beamer and said 'Hi!'. He looked a bit taken aback and said 'Hello'. I asked him if he was going to let me in and he said 'Sure, as soon as you tell me who you are'. Even having done my security checks I had managed to go to the wrong hotel. I was fecking mortified."

"Serves me right for trying to look dead sexy: On an overnight booking one night I was out for dinner with my client and excused myself to go to the loo. It was up a very steep stair case and I was in killer heels. ( You just know what's coming next). I went to the loo and began my descent down the stairs whilst flicking my hair and trying to look graceful and elegant. I managed the first two steps ok, then lost my footing and tumbled the rest of the way down, giving the restaurant a bird's eye view of my hold-ups and thong, an landing in an undignified heap at the bottom. Luckily my client thought it was absolutely hilarious and nearly pissed himself laughing. I did the best thing under the circumstances and stood up and took a bow."

…Fetish a la Carte!

"Now I'm not averse to a fetish or two (or more). In fact, I love my feet being worshipped and adored, the almost unbearable, glorious tingly feeling of having my toes sucked does certain things to me. However, this week I received an email request which was rather unusual. The emailer required whether I would be agreeable to treating him like a baby, wearing a nappy. I have no problem with this as long as there's no nappy soiling involved. I make quite a good mummy; soothing, rocking, feeding and tickling the big googling baby. But there was a twist to this request. The e-mailer had made a cart and wanted me to push him in his baby gear around my local supermarket, for him to be naughty and I buy him sweets to pacify him. Now this is where I cringe, as there is no way I could walk around MY local supermarket in this manner. I'm sure we would only get as far as the fruit and veg aisle before security would hastily ask us to leave. Would I ever be able to shop there again? Nope, don't think so. And how would we explain what we were doing? Raising money for charity? Fetishes take all forms and shapes, and I'm not averse (in both professional and personal life) to doing a few things outside. But I do have my boundaries. I've yet to reply to the email, but will as soon as I finished blogging. I wanted to give the attention it needed and have been wondering how to put 'no, thanks' in a longer, kinder way. But I am left wondering if perhaps this request was tongue-in-cheek, and wanting to just know how I'd respond."

…Chicken McNuggets at a 5* restaurant!

"What else can you say when a customer takes you out to one of the poshest hotels in Manchester for a 4 hour dinner date and orders chicken nuggets from the kiddies menu?! What do you do when a customer budgets for a 4 hour dinner date at £400, but forgets to factor in the fact that you've got to eat, hence it being called a dinner date? He orders chicken nuggets from said kiddies menu. But he wasn't quite happy with the accompaniment. He asked the waiter to swap the baked beans for spaghetti hoops. In between that he had to call and tell Mum that he wouldn't be home and not to leave him any dinner. And there's me meanwhile, getting stuck into a fillet steak with jacket potato with a la carte trimmings. God, I thought. What a scrumptious meal. Which I ended up paying for myself. As for the witty and sparkling conversation, let's just say it's lucky I've got a teenaged son who shares the same interests: video games and superheros and their villians."

…Femdom or Femidom – which is less painful?

"I have a sensitive client, polite but a little nervous who has trouble keeping his erection with condoms. I text him in the week to confirm the appointment and also to mention my idea… would he like to try a femidom?? Could be the answer to our troubles??! He text back, polite as always, and says thanks for the text but as he hasn't seen me for a while would I mind if we just kept it to the GFE (girlfriend experience)? Sure, I said no problem… When I saw him, I asked him what he thought about the femidom idea? Umm…. 'I'm a bit nervous of any pain or whips and stuff,' he said. 'Sorry??' I say. It seems he had confused a femidom and a fem dom…!! For those who don't know; one is a female condom and one is a dominant female! I had one very relieved man when I clarified it!"