So,

I've FINALLY found a great guy that I like.  I used to have an ad on Eros but now I see only  2 of those guys.  My boyfrind is very affectionate, we will start to be intimate a lot,  but then he cannot cum,  no matter what I do ( and I have worked enough to know what to do!).  I looked it up,  it's called delayed/retarded ejaculation,  and it can be caused when a guy gets so used to self stimulation that he can't cum in other ways.  It is frustrating to both of us,  and we have both been avoiding starting something he can't finish.

This is so upsetting to me.  At first it seemed great - a guy who wasn't trying to jump my bones,  who just wanted to cuddle! But now I find myself picking at him for little things and starting arguments.  I think we would be a lot closer if we could share a sexual connection.  I have tried to approach this different ways ,  getting us toys,  suggesting sexy games or bets....

My big problem is that I don't feel justified being angry at him because he can't satisfy me.  I'm sleeping with at least 2 other men,  enjoying myself and getting paid!   I can't justify being demanding about our sex life without feeling terribly conflicted and greedy.

But because I'm being nonconfrontational about this I am being passive aggresive and starting fights about idiotic things.  I have been so argumentative and I really feel terrible about it.  I finally find a great guy and I'm pushing him away..for what... a profession that I'm not completely comfortable with?

I am comfortable with the men I see and what I do.  I've found something I do well that fits my lifestyle perfectly and business is going so well.   I'm not comfortable with the sneaking around.  Not just with him,  but with EVERY PERSON IN MY LIFE.  I also crave the friendships that most people get to form at work with their co workers.  This is kind of isolating,  I'm in a new city and thats lonely.

Help.Me. Please.

Thanks girls!

dear secret lady,

i can only share my experience with you. have had the same situation, if not even worse. my guy would stop in the very middle of the things and start masturbating. he could cum with me but only after literally many hours with all those pauses in between. he also couldn't keep the full erection without his hands involved. is it the same case?
about your feelings, i know that it doesn't sound nice, but what he doesn't know doesn't count. i can imagine you feeling somehow guilty but really that is out of frame.
if i were you, i would try some therapy with him, if he feels like having one...

good luck!

Well, there's more than one possible cause, but yes, if someone's been masturbating in just one specific way for years, then learning to come another way can take time. Many men use a rather firmer grip than a vagina can provide, for example.

Has he had this happen with other partners?

The standard sex therapy procedure for this is having him come, however he does it, with you in the next room; then you in the same room not looking at him; then looking; then cuddling him etc etc. It may take a couple of weeks.

You are right, I'm taking it personally!

I'm not sure if this has happened with others.  Part of the problem is that I'm afraid to ask.  We have been together 6 months.  He is a dr. If he could admit to himself he had a problem wouldn't he just prescribe himself something for erectile dysfunction.  There is a lot of "trying",  he can't hold an erection properly.

Do you all feel this is too early to ask about real sex therapy?

Never ever underestimate the ability of some men to deny to themselves and others that there's a problem, especially with their sexuality.

I suspect many people have had someone with an obvious STI denying there could possibly be anything wrong with them. If you're female, you may not have had someone insisting that they're straight right before begging to suck your cock

Although it doesn't really deal with sexual orientation issues, the best books I've seen on dealing with male sexual stuff are by Bernie Zilbergeld. The first one is Men and Sex. That was called 'Male Sexuality' in the US, hence the title of the second edition, both here and there, The New Male Sexuality.

Annoyingly, some stuff from the first edition wasn't included in the second (like virginity issues) so it's good that Men and Sex is available for a penny plus postage second-hand from Amazon in the right edition.