My friends call me the Ice Queen for a reason.... While at work the GFE is my thing, in the real world I find that being super emotionally close to another person feels strange. I love my independence, freedom, and ability to fuck off and disappear whenever I feel like it... monogamous relationships mean forfeiting that!

Nay, relationships are not for me. Fuckbuddies on the other hand...

I started doing this when me and my ex broke up, we had been together for 2 years and I missed him like mad! Now we're back together and I rely on the money too much to give it up! I've only taken one booking since we started again but I feel so guilty now I don't know what to do!! Has anyone else been in this situation?? I know if I told him he'd be horrified and definitely would not support the decision, if I carry on and not tell him I'm effectively cheating I guess and if he ever found out it;d break his heart . Or, I could go back to using the day job wages and being broke and miserable. Help please!! Apologies for the long, ranting moan there!! (: So envious of you girls that have supportive partners!! Lucky things!!

xx

I'm in a relationship, and my partner knows about it

I started working as an escort in January 2010, and by that time I was already close friends with him and we were having casual sex but as we'd both got out of serious relationships recently we weren't looking for anything serious. So I was already having sex with other people (including some of his friends!) and we weren't dating so it was a total non-issue when I started working, although he did worry about me a bit from a safety point of view to start with.

We ended up getting into a relationship not long after, but when we did I talked to him about my views of sex, monogamy etc. I don't really believe monogamy works for most people, and in a lot of relationships it's downright unethical because it's used to control normal desire and behaviour, and encourages jealousy which is an unhealthy dead end emotion. Idk, it's a pretty extreme view to have, even within the poly community most people are very pro monogamy they just think the alternatives are good too But that's how I've always seen it. He's always been monogamous before but he'd started thinking about non monogamy when he found out his ex girlfriend was cheating on him - he realised that he didn't care about the sex at all, but the fact that she'd lied to him and didn't care about his feelings. He said if she'd asked him for an open relationship because she wasn't satisfied sexually it would have been hard, but he'd have been ok with it. So he was open to trying a partnered non monogamous relationship (sex with others is ok, romantic involvement isn't).

Since then I've had casual partners, I've continued to work, and we've dabbled in group sex - and it's just normal to us. We've been married just over a year now and he's stuck by me through some really bad times - after a bad experience with a client I went through a time of extreme depression, no sex drive at all which meant I was still working but not having sex with him which must have been hard, and for a few months I was also using drugs (I'm totally clean now). Even before we got together I had issues from a rough past, I had a hard childhood and my last serious relationship became abusive towards the end so I had a lot to work through. He's been the one absolute stable thing in my life, incredibly supportive and never judged me for bad decisions while also being encouraging to help me fix the messes I've made. We've recently opened our relationship to full polyamory - we're open to having other romantic partners as well as sex partners - because we know that our relationship is strong enough and based on enough trust that nothing new could be a threat to it.

So really, what with mental illness and drugs and a screwed up past and me shagging everything with a pulse, a little bit of sex work doesn't even register as a challenge Obviously I'm not inside his head but as far as I can tell and based on how strong and awesome and intimate our relationship is I don't think he has any problem with it at all. The one thing left to find out is if he knows what to do with me now that I'm stable and mentally healthy...

Thanks for your reply Miaken! I do keep thinking about the whole 'it's not really cheating thing' but I still feel insanely guilty!! I'm gonna suck it up and tell him, I'd rather that than he finds out on his own!! Wish me luck! xx

Thanks for your reply Miaken! I do keep thinking about the whole 'it's not really cheating thing' but I still feel insanely guilty!! I'm gonna suck it up and tell him, I'd rather that than he finds out on his own!! Wish me luck! xx

Good luck! Let us know how you get on.

I am married and my partner knows what I do.  I could not be with someone and keep lying to them.  If you lie about it and get caught, how can you then get them to accept it when you (in their eyes) were too ashamed of what you do to tell them. Men do think differently to us.  We are not ashamed of what we do but they will see our reluctance to tell them as such.  Fickle creatures that they are.

It can be hard for any man to accept but if you are honest, explain that it is not for any sexual gratification on your part, perhaps show him some threads on here so he can see that it is just a job, he may find it easier to accept. 

Why not just broach the subject to gauge his feelings.  Bring into a conversation that an old friend is now escorting and making lots of money and see what he says. If he says something along the lines of good on her, then jokingly say, perhaps I should do it too and again gauge his reactions.  Its how I started. My hubby and I were talking about someone we know who does it,, I 'jokingly' said I should give it a try and would need to dig out some details on safety etc and we both laughed.  Next day he had printed off loads of info from the saafe main site and said read all of this, he was really suprised there was somewhere where I could get safety advice and it just went from there.
No matter what happens though, it has to be better than lying or keeping secrets as that does not make a healthy relationship.  It will cause suspicion, resentment and no end of trouble plus you will be carrying around a guilt you should not have.
At the end of the day, it is just a job and it, for me anyway is a damn sight better than a menial job cleaning loos or sat in an office receiving no end of sexual remarks from the guys I worked with. 
My marriage did suffer a few wobbles at the beginning, mainly down to his own insecurity, and now and then he will have a wobble about it BUT he knows he is the only man for me and my clients are just that, nothing more.

..And don't ever let your so/bf/hb spend too much time reading blogs about SW's

Unbeknownst to me he's been attempting to 'educate' himself (my hubby) by going on to numerous sites set up by sex workers and their partners.  Since then he's asked hundreds of questions, had a freak out about std's and generally made a fuss

I finally put my foot down today (in a cafe) and after a mini-scene he has hopefully pulled himself together again. 

I understand that it's difficult but I'm still so annoyed

Luckily he is worth it

Cheating to me would be going out, meeting someone I think is cute, emotionally connecting with them, then having sex with them for free. 

I think agreeing what counts as 'cheating' is key to a good relationship. For us it's 'Doing something we cant tell each other about' - and it doesn't necessarily have to do with sex.

Me sleeping with strangers for money = not cheating
Kissing someone for free = cheating
Secretly running up a huge credit card bill (as an example) = cheating

For us it's about the lying people do to cover up rather than the action itself. Its the dishonesty that causes the problems and is the source of the pain rather than the act of rubbing bits of anatomy together. I know thats not everyones view of 'cheating' - but it works for us

R xx