SAAFE forum
General Category => Questions and Answers => Topic started by: louiseescort on 27 November 2014, 07:37:55 am
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I have been seeing a regular for about 2 years once a week.
My boyfriend has always been fine about my job. I was doing it before I met him and we have a child together.
He has the odd pang of jealousy bit nothing to major and to be expected really.
However he has said he is not comfortable with me seeing this guy and he thinks we are to friendly with each other.
He texts me through the week (friendly nothing sinister) and I do reply. He is single no kids and has a decent job.
I do understand where my other half is coming from and he clearly feels threatened.
He has said he doenst want me to see him anymore as it is driving him mad.
I am to cut contact.
Just wanted some advice on what to say to the guy, do I be honest with him? I am not sure he is aware I am in a relationship. The question has never come up. It is not something I talk about to clients!
Or do I just give him a one liner?
It is a bit frustrating for me as it is regular income for me, but I am sure I cannot make my partner see otherwise.
Thanks :)
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Nothing wrong with just telling him the truth really.
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Hi Louise x
I have a hubby and we always said if either of us feel uncomfortable with what I do, to be honest and tell me, and I would stop....either seeing a client or the job!
Relationship or money? ....mine would be relationship full stop x
Hope this helps x
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Whoops read to fast.... :FF
Just tell client the situation and tell him your in a relationship and hopefully he understands, and as you have said he is ' a nice guy ' hopefully he will be understandable x
Sorry for previous post, early morning coffee needed to wake up properly x lol ::)
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My partner has asked me to stop seeing one if my regulars too, I didn't promise I wouldn't but said I would only see him during slow periods just for financial reasons, don't do anything behind his back is my advice, be straight up with him if you value the relationship x
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I would simply ask the client to restrict his texting to when he's actually making a booking. Just say it's causing problems in your private life. No need to over-explain.
Or maybe not tell the boyfriend who's texting you? No reason why he should know - it's a professional relationship, right? Maybe you talk about the client too much at home? It's a thing called "mentionitis", and it's bound to worry your other half. I would try not to lose the client - financial independence is a wonderful thing.
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No definitely dont mention work unless asked and I wouldn't want to lie about it.
The guy text me yesterday arranging Outcall for Saturday and that's when it started.
Boyfriend asked who was texting me so late for me to reply and I told him.
I am not bothered about cutting contact as it is only professional not emotional just wanted help with what to say :)
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Ah, maybe something simple like turning the phone off every day at a certain time, so the job doesn't always intrude into private family time. Every time a text comes in your other half gets reminded of what you do. Even if you think he's ok with your job (lets face it, the money is good) there's some little part of him that resents it and worries about it. Maybe you can have your cake and eat it if you set certain boundaries in terms of communications.
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My partner treats my business as my business. He might sometimes show concern if clients or the work is bothering me or intruding into my non-work time.
My advice would be to keep contact to within your working hours.
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I would tell the client to text only when he books because he needs to understand you are an escort not a sex chat.
If your bf doesnt see your clients, he shouldnt know you still see that regular, maybe you can change the hours/days when he comes so your bf wont know you still see him.
After all, is no point in losing a 2 years old regular over a bit of jealousy.
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Ah, maybe something simple like turning the phone off every day at a certain time, so the job doesn't always intrude into private family time. Every time a text comes in your other half gets reminded of what you do. Even if you think he's ok with your job (lets face it, the money is good) there's some little part of him that resents it and worries about it. Maybe you can have your cake and eat it if you set certain boundaries in terms of communications.
+1
I think this is a very good point and good idea. Having your work phone switched off once your at home and doing family time should help ease any tension he has, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would appreciate not being reminded with every text and call that came through.
As for the regular, if your happy to let him go, then cut him off, just be honest with him, he will respect you for that. But be careful, keep an eye on things as you don't want to get in a situation where your bloke calls all the shots and stops you seeing half your clients before you've even realised he's becoming controlling because he can't handle your job. He probably won't, and I hope he doesn't, but you've got to think of these possibilities so you can deal with them swiftly and nip them in the bud :) xox
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I would tell the client to text only when he books because he needs to understand you are an escort not a sex chat.
If your bf doesnt see your clients, he shouldnt know you still see that regular, maybe you can change the hours/days when he comes so your bf wont know you still see him.
After all, is no point in losing a 2 years old regular over a bit of jealousy.
I've had this issue before and I completely agree. I think the problem you have is allowing the texting to invade your family life. We all do it, but you have to switch the phone off sometime. It's like a wake up call.
I wouldn't want to lose a long standing regular like that. Partners always feel uncomfortable with detail however laid back about the job they are. I would tell the client you can't make this weekend and let him resume after a few days break. BF need not know the details of who you see and when, but you can at least tell him you have denied the guy the outcall. When they start feeling entitled to know all about what clients you have and when you see them it never gets better. Everyone needs good regular clients and I think it's a slippery slope when you let your partner dictate who you can see.
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Thanks for the advice everyone.
I am not going to continue seeing the regular, it clearly has upset my bf and he is more important that just money.
It is the first time in 5 years of our relationship that he has put his foot down on who I should see, so with regards to the controlling aspect I don't really see it as an issue.
I guess I have partly to blame as I don't ever work weekends, but I have arranged several times to meet this guy on a Saturday (as he works away.)
and of course I have been texting the guy back which obviously hasn't helped.
However I feel that I have been communicating with the guy to keep up rapport etc. I mean he does give me roughly 1k a month.
Definitely I need to start switching my phone off. I do find it difficult tohugh due to guys booking in advance etc, but I hadn't really tight about it reminding him what I do so it puts things into perspective.
I think I will text the regular saying something like.
I am really sorry but I am going to have to cancel our meeting on Saturday, due to personal issues I am also going to have to stop seeing you as it is putting my personal relationship under stress.
I am sure you understand. I wish you all the best :)
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That's a "Dear John", and you're almost guaranteed to lose the guy. How about lying to buy yourself some time? Along the lines of: weekends are currently private time. My sister has moved in with me after the breakup of her marriage, and I have to be fiercely discreet for a while until she sorts herself out. Sometimes a white lie is better than the truth.
He can then make an effort to see you during the week whenever he can, and not intrude in your family life. And you can tell your other half you have severely curtailed access and will maintain proper boundaries in the future. 12k a year is worth trying to hold on to. I understand that your boyfriend needs you to demonstrate that he's more important than the client, but it doesn't have to be black or white.
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I think I will text the regular saying something like.
I am really sorry but I am going to have to cancel our meeting on Saturday, due to personal issues I am also going to have to stop seeing you as it is putting my personal relationship under stress.
I am sure you understand. I wish you all the best :)
Good luck with that. I've had clients become distraught when I've decided to cut them off. It is a professional relationship, but some of these guys see you as a pseudo-girlfriend and they get to rely on you. It feels very uncomfortable when you realise that, but it also needs sensitive handling.
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That's a "Dear John", and you're almost guaranteed to lose the guy. How about lying to buy yourself some time? Along the lines of: weekends are currently private time. My sister has moved in with me after the breakup of her marriage, and I have to be fiercely discreet for a while until she sorts herself out. Sometimes a white lie is better than the truth.
He can then make an effort to see you during the week whenever he can, and not intrude in your family life. And you can tell your other half you have severely curtailed access and will maintain proper boundaries in the future. 12k a year is worth trying to hold on to. I understand that your boyfriend needs you to demonstrate that he's more important than the client, but it doesn't have to be black or white.
I agree. I'd hang on to 1K a month if the client is good in every other respect. I'd give him a warning not to text outside certain times otherwise it puts the arrangement in jeopardy.
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I think the problem here is that you are seeing him in personal time.
Trouble is once you've started it it's difficult to change it without the client feeling hard done to.
If it were me I would explain that you are no longer working weekends, but that you are happy to offer him a weekday appointment. You could if you wish say your lifestyle has changed.
If he really wants to see you he will adjust, if he doesn't or it's impossible then he'll move on.
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I totally agree with the others re reallocating him to a time during the week. I very rarely worked weekends and definitely wouldn't want to on a Saturday evening. To me and I think yourself, that is ME time. If he works away then he should be able to rearrange with no problem.
Like the others say too, 1k is a lot of money to lose in this day and age with the way work is going.
I wouldn't go too deep re why you are rearranging his booking other than saying you will no longer be working weekends. Your private life is most definitely none of his business.
Hope it goes well for you.
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He is a regular who brings in the money, explain to him the situation and he has to stop texting you, unless its for a booking. Maybe change the name he is saved under too. If your partner isn't happy what's next, will he stop you seeing more clients? It's the regulars that keep the business coming.
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Maybe change the name he is saved under too.
Good thinking. A bit of cloak and dagger stuff is required to keep all sides happy.
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I'd concur with the others that you should try changing your relationship with the client before dropping him all together - see him less frequently and at different times if possible, and switch your phone off and/or change his name, and tell him no more chit-chat texts.
But also I think it's a lesson learned - don't discuss clients with your boyfriend in a way that will get his back up. There's always the danger that this could be the start of a slippery slope.
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I would ask the client to respect your personal time and only contact you during working hours and to keep it professional and only contact about arranging a booking
A decent client will understand this. A shitty guy may well think it is causing problems at home so do it even more. This is how you will find out if this is just a friendly client who texts just to be friendly or a client who texts as he wants more than just friendship. either way if he keeps it up it is going to really cause problems with your partner. This is why I only have one client who is allowed to text me and then only during work hours (I don't answer calls or texts from the moment I leave work until I get back there the next day.
There is no need for a client to contact you when you are at home with your family. A text can be sent anytime so why not during work hours (they would go nuts if we started texting them all hours of the day or night)
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Sorry for this post but a lot of you are saying ' losing 1k a month is a lot ' plus ' cloak and dagger ' are we saying just lie to her partner???
Look at this way, if you did ask him to text only through working hours such forth....and carried on seeing him, what if her partner found out , and asked after he had asked her to stop seeing that client she carried on???
I know if it was my hubby he wouldn't be happy and serious words would be exchanged ( never divorce ) but if would mean it would be an uncomfortable situation...
He respects you for what you do, but think you need to respect him on this one, is he asking you to stop with other clients or just specifically this one? If so my post may turn into another piece of advice x
Hope you Girls don't mind my rant, just trying to see from other eyes x
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Laying down the boundaries is the important bit. Telling your partner you've stopped seeing someone, then carrying is not a great decision.
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I don't advocate lying to your partner. You've found a gem who is OK with what you're doing. It's not unusual for spouses to get jealous of someone their partner interacts with at work, once that interaction starts intruding onto family time.
You can ASK your partner if he'd be OK with you setting strict boundaries with this client, but I would recommend respecting his feelings on this. In future. don't let it happen again.
By the way, I have noticed that the OP is thinking along the same lines: she is not going to see this client again.
I would say that you can tell the client in your "dear john" a bit more of the truth - or at least reassure him that he is NOT doing anything wrong or annoying. Just say, "I think that our texting out of hours and seeing one another so frequently has become a complication for my personal life. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and I hope you don't feel bad that I can't see you again."
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I don't think lying to partners is a good idea either, and in this case there might be no solution but to stop seeing the regular. But the lesson is surely not to discuss any one client, or to let anyone keep texting you etc., i.e. don't give a partner reason to be suspicious.
The other thing that would worry me if it was first one client, then another, then any at all, but hopefully that's not the case.
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I have spoken to the reg and told him the truth.
Will refrain from seeing him for a while, and see what happens.
A shame as he is a nice guy and couldn't ask for a nicer client tbh. However my relationship comes first and I don't want to threaten it.
I don't fancy lying to my oh on this one.
God if he found out- simply not worth it.
It is the first time he has asked me not to see anyone (in 5 years)
The regular understood and was extremely apologetic. Gave me another contact number incase I change my mind.
I won't be acting upon it currently though.
Maybe it would he good for my reg to see other girls in the meantime.
Thanks for the advice xx
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It seems like you have found a good compromise.
I wouldn't like to give up a reg like that too easily. But it's good that he's taken it well. That shows what a good reg he must be. Most times they get upset and/or rebellious in some way.
Good luck, and don't let him see too many other girls before you resume with him ;)