SAAFE forum
General Category => Questions and Answers => Topic started by: GothGirl on 19 January 2018, 06:18:21 pm
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Hey guys, so the last week my so called ?best friend? outed me to my parents. Safe to say not happy. When questioned her, her reason was that she was ?worried? ::)
My family do not want me to carry on working but I do. I?m in a lot of debt which I have no chance paying off unless I move back home with parents which I don?t want to do. If I give up escorting then I won?t be able to afford my rent/outgoings. Safe to say this has really fucked up the start of my year. Any advice would be greatful. Thanks x
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Wow GG sounds awful! So sorry to hear.
Im assuming you didn?t deny it & just accepted? If so, probably best to lay low for a while to let the news die down and when it does die down, get back into it but maybe get a new set of photos, and a new profile, and maybe advertise in the town next to yours if you can just to be safe.
Its horrible that someone such as your friend would do something like this! I hope things get better for you soon! X
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I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. That's a really difficult situation to be in. Ultimately though this is your life and you need to do what you want with it. If you want to continue working then your family will have to come to terms with it. I really hope things get better for you soon.
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I know it is difficult to see the silver lining in this, but there is one, trust me. You can only ever be outed once and now it's happened. You can now hold your head up high and get on with whatever it is you want to do.
The drama will die down. You've learned that some friends show their true colours. You will be stronger for this.
Keep your chin up ;)
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I know it is difficult to see the silver lining in this, but there is one, trust me. You can only ever be outed once
I absolutely agree with this. Although I accidentally outed myself to my (adult) son by leaving myself logged into my AW profile on our shared computer. <facepalm>
It's been hard to deal with his emotions, but it's also given me freedom. Nobody has anything they can hold over my head anymore. There's literally nothing a client can do to threaten me in that sense.
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Yes have been there. If they are decent loving family they will get over it(eventually) and let you do what suits you and love you anyway. It really helped my mum understand when I explained how much I love it.. How rewarding it is from the point of view of making others happy!
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yes, i have been there and still going through one or two things, however yours is in the open and you have not said they don't want to see you or disown you so maybe not so bad, are they are just angry as they have to absorb it? (this is what they all have to do when they find out, right) gosh why is it so hard when people find out.
Good luck with the out come, my advice is follow your heart and gut do it for the right reasons for you and give your friend an honest talking to about loyalty...
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Thanks for all your replies. Being able to talk about these things really helps.
Yes I still have my flat, something which he tried to push for me to give up. If I'm brutally honest with myself a few controlling issues were starting to creep in and hence the relationship breakdown.
It's been my wake up call that privacy in our chosen job is very important. Not to scare others...but really think about ever getting involved with a client...its painful when it goes tits up.....
I'm determined to re invent myself... :)
As bad as it was it also showed me how small minded parts of our society still can be. His family are from a small village...they looked like they wanted to burn me at the stake!! I drove away v quickly :o
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Sorry I've posted on wrong thread. But I understand how you feel and please stay strong x
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GG, a way to approach it might be something like this. Via email or text or whatever.
Dear mum and dad, I realise you were shocked to find out my current job. Sex work carries a lot of unfair stigma in this country and there are a lot of negative stereotypes portrayed in the media.
I work independently for myself. I do not have a "pimp" and I do not work in a brothel or on the streets. I have me own apartment/work from hotels/whatever. I choose who I see as a customer. I have quite strict screening processes and have a number of security protocols which keep me safe.
The men I see range from young to old, and could be working class guys or top executive types. All of them are polite and respectful - if not they don't get to see me. Many are single and lack the confidence to approach women for dates. Many are very busy with their high powered career and don't have the time or energy for a girlfriend, but feel the need for female company once in a while. Some are widowers. There is no "type" of man who pays for sex.
I enjoy my job and I am proud that I deliver a good service that makes a real difference in people's lives. One client said to me "Thank you for seeing me as a human being and not just a collection of symptoms." [insert your own quote here, obviously] I know that I am making people's lives better.
I understand that you may be feeling shock and experiencing anxiety about my profession. I'll be happy to answer any questions you have. I do not want this issue to cause a rift between us, because I love you so much. I hope we can talk soon."
Hope this might help. Obviously adapt to your own style!
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VC what a moving and well written letter, nice touch! x
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Went threw this my self 8 years ago and still get crap up till to now bout it.
My nan took it ok but others did not in my family I know how your feeling
even tho its really rubbish right now its a huge weight off my mind .
Because I was closed to my family any way it hasnt bothered me much
but it is really hard at first . We have to be so careful who we tell so sorry
this is happened to you hun x
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You are a brave woman who fights for your ideals: your economic independence, live and depend on yourself, your family will sooner or later understand you ...!
Take away that "friend" from your life ... well you will find other friends in the path of your life, do not lose hope, sooner or later you have a solution ... blessings from the universe <3
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VC that's more or less the exact stuff I said when my mum found out and we chatted!! Brilliantly written. By the end of the conversation my mum actually said if she was a few years younger she might actually fancy it herself!! :o
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I hope your "friend" realises she has just risked your parents falling out with you all because she is worried. What is she worried about, that your going to be too busy living the high life to bother with her anymore. Id be sure to return the favour and blow her up soon as the crown slips. Miss goody goody
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I hope your "friend" realises she has just risked your parents falling out with you all because she is worried. What is she worried about, that your going to be too busy living the high life to bother with her anymore. Id be sure to return the favour and blow her up soon as the crown slips. Miss goody goody
My mum ended up having a stroke day after finding out so hope my ?friend? is happy.
Thanks all for your replies xx
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Aww hope things sort them selves out for you soon. Shes landed you right in the shit she has. X
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VC - Great letter, copied and kept for when it no doubt will happen one day....hopefully not for a long time!
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My mum ended up having a stroke day after finding out so hope my ?friend? is happy.
Thanks all for your replies xx
I would mail her a photocopy of your moms hospital form with a: "Hope your're happy now". then block her from all my phones, email, social media and block her entirely from your life.
What a c*nt.
(Apologies but I can't stand passive agressive types specially when I hear what happened to your mom, it really angers me to hear this. I hope she's feeling better now)
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My mum ended up having a stroke day after finding out so hope my ?friend? is happy.
Thanks all for your replies xx
Oh GG that's awful, I'm so sorry.
Please keep in your mind that it's your so-called friend's spiteful activity that may have caused this, not your profession. Also a TIA can occur randomly at any time, even in a person's sleep.
Take care of yourself right now as well as your family xx
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This is a passive aggressive move. Definitely Not a proper friend!
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I would mail her a photocopy of your moms hospital form with a: "Hope your're happy now". then block her from all my phones, email, social media and block her entirely from your life.
What a c*nt.
(Apologies but I can't stand passive agressive types specially when I hear what happened to your mom, it really angers me to hear this. I hope she's feeling better now)
I gave her a piece of my mind the day after she told my mother and blocked her on everything :-\
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Hey girls, many of you will have seen my post about being outed to my family. Anyway, I invited my mother around last night for dinner, wish I bloody hadn?t now. The following things were said to me - She told me that she has found a lump and hopes it is cancer because she?d rather be dead than watch me ruin my life. She said I will never get married because nobody will ever want me because of the escorting. She also said that my nephew will be bullied in school because everyone will know his auntie is a prostitute. Also said that my brother will stop me seeing my nephew if I carry on working.
I am in no good financial situation to give up escorting & as I have told her numerous times, I?m happy doing the job and I am not prepared to quit. I feel like she is emotionally Black mailing & I am at a loss end at what to do. Any advice would be welcomed as I have nobody in the industry to talk to. Thanks x
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Yes, it very much sounds like emotional blackmail.
Perhaps you had a good and close relationship with your mother and family before being outed - and maybe they need time to cool down and accept your choices.
But maybe your relationship with them was not that great at all. And maybe it would be better not to look for unconditional support and acceptance if it wasn't there in the first place.
I understand that your mother has health issues at the moment, which doesn't make the situation easier and can add so many feelings to the mix, guilt and duty among others.
The way I see it is that you are an adult - you have the right to make your own choices. You are not responsible for your family's feelings. You can however be sensitive about their feelings and be discreet about sex work (which you indeed were before being outed).
I don't know if I'm talking much sense here. Family can be a source of such heartbreak.
I decided to go no contact with my family as it was the only healthy choice.
Sending you a big hug x
Exactly what I said - I?m an adult I can make my own choices. She then started saying that I?m only doing it to punish her??? Wtf. I?m thinking of cutting contact to be honest. X
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Just catching up with this post I hope your mums health is well and
I think shes just lashing out because she is angry would like to say
it gets better my sister can hardly look me in the face now days
even when I stopped they still hated on me . I was never close close
to my family any way . And I dont see how your nephew will get
bullied at school unless they go round telling people which sounds
like there not going too . I know it may be hard for them to accept
but like you said your a adult your choice hope things get better Hun x
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So, so sorry to hear your mum said those horrible things to you. Sometimes people just can't see past their own ideas and she must have alot of strong opinions on sex work being shameful and awful.
If it eats away at you I would definitely recommend a counselor, someone impartial. Especially if the guilt and shame she wants you to feel take hold!
These are her issues not yours. Possibly with time she will soften, I don't know. So many parents feel their children owe them some sort of debt for bringing them into the world and raising them. And then are furious if we don't fit with their ideal of who their daughter should be.
If she can't love you and accept you being happy, how can you continue to have a relationship with her?
Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk
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So, so sorry to hear your mum said those horrible things to you. Sometimes people just can't see past their own ideas and she must have alot of strong opinions on sex work being shameful and awful.
If it eats away at you I would definitely recommend a counselor, someone impartial. Especially if the guilt and shame she wants you to feel take hold!
These are her issues not yours. Possibly with time she will soften, I don't know. So many parents feel their children owe them some sort of debt for bringing them into the world and raising them. And then are furious if we don't fit with their ideal of who their daughter should be.
If she can't love you and accept you being happy, how can you continue to have a relationship with her?
Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk
Thank you, I have been seeing a counsellor for the past couple of weeks x
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Families will say things out of shock, it takes time for them to be able to accept and think about it rationally. It took my father 6 months before I was allowed back into the house. He was totally fine after that and we never mentioned it again.
They just hear the word escort/prostitute and they really do imagine the worst. But with a little time they stop thinking of you as that first and remember that you are you first not your job.
I am sorry you are going through this, give yourself space from them. hope your mum is going to be ok.
Big hug x
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Families will try emotionally blackmail and make you feel bad about what you do. They won't care about how it is making you feel. That?s what mine did when I was outed in a way nobody can imagine. Pictures and screen shots were sent of my actual profile to all my extended family. The worse thing is it was a by a family member. I tried to take my own life just because I felt bad for what my family and dad had encountered and the shame that came with it which is far worse in an asian community especially when it was my dad facing it all on his now with mum having passed away when I was a kid.
I quickly realised that it wasn?t worth it. Not once they thought or cared about how I felt and not one person stepped forward to say they wanted to help me financially or ask me if I was in any trouble. I had to distance myself from the stigma and discrimination I encountered on top of that we face daily as escorts.
My family said similar things that I was damaged and used goods, nobody would ever want to marry me etc etc. I lost my career, family, some friends and also a relationship I was in at the time all because of the effect this had on me. I had 2 years of counselling coming to terms with everything as there was much more that went on too. But the best thing to come out of it all is I've learnt to not let the stigma effect me and no more sneaking around or fake friends. I'm now a free spirit who doesn't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks of my work. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish especially when it comes to your emotional and mental health and the long term consequences.
I would distant myself and focus on yourself for a while and when they?ve come round they can reach out to you. The more you chase after them the more they will criticise you and the more pressure you will feel, thus more depressed. The right time to reach out would be when they see you as a daughter first before anything else. If they can?t do that then it?s not worth quitting something you want to do for their sake.
I know this sounds harsh but trust me I learned the hard way and I?m emotionally much stable and now have a good relationship with my family after 3 years of not speaking, albeit not the same but still better than one can hope. Put your health first and your mum knows where she is if she needs you. If it turns out to be cancer then you can cross that bridge when it comes to it. Families always come round eventually. Let the shock sink in, stay strong and put your health first. There's always light at the end of the tunnel and when it shines it will shine brightly.
Big hugs. Pm me if you need anything.
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Families will try emotionally blackmail and make you feel bad about what you do. They won't care about how it is making you feel. That?s what mine did when I was outed in a way nobody can imagine. Pictures and screen shots were sent of my actual profile to all my extended family. The worse thing is it was a by a family member. I tried to take my own life just because I felt bad for what my family and dad had encountered and the shame that came with it which is far worse in an asian community especially when it was my dad facing it all on his now with mum having passed away when I was a kid.
I quickly realised that it wasn?t worth it. Not once they thought or cared about how I felt and not one person stepped forward to say they wanted to help me financially or ask me if I was in any trouble. I had to distance myself from the stigma and discrimination I encountered on top of that we face daily as escorts.
My family said similar things that I was damaged and used goods, nobody would ever want to marry me etc etc. I lost my career, family, some friends and also a relationship I was in at the time all because of the effect this had on me. I had 2 years of counselling coming to terms with everything as there was much more that went on too. But the best thing to come out of it all is I've learnt to not let the stigma effect me and no more sneaking around or fake friends. I'm now a free spirit who doesn't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks of my work. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish especially when it comes to your emotional and mental health and the long term consequences.
I would distant myself and focus on yourself for a while and when they?ve come round they can reach out to you. The more you chase after them the more they will criticise you and the more pressure you will feel, thus more depressed. The right time to reach out would be when they see you as a daughter first before anything else. If they can?t do that then it?s not worth quitting something you want to do for their sake.
I know this sounds harsh but trust me I learned the hard way and I?m emotionally much stable and now have a good relationship with my family after 3 years of not speaking, albeit not the same but still better than one can hope. Put your health first and your mum knows where she is if she needs you. If it turns out to be cancer then you can cross that bridge when it comes to it. Families always come round eventually. Let the shock sink in, stay strong and put your health first. There's always light at the end of the tunnel and when it shines it will shine brightly.
Big hugs. Pm me if you need anything.
This is inspiring and incredibly brave of you to desl with it all!
It is natural to feel like losing your family's approval is the end of the world, but it can actually be the beginning of true freedom and independence.. We can find wonderful supportive friends who are the family we choose for ourselves!
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Sultress- it really does feel end of the world but like you said it can also be the start of actual freedom. It's so much of a relief not having to make excuses for any little thing related to escorting, not to mention the guilt that sucks you up with having to lie, all for what other peoples approval and happiness.
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Sultress- it really does feel end of the world but like you said it can also be the start of actual freedom. It's so much of a relief not having to make excuses for any little thing related to escorting, not to mention the guilt that sucks you up with having to lie, all for what other peoples approval and happiness.
Yes i totally agree! Although I still struggle with some guilt about choosing this way of life when I have 2 kids. I worry I am selfish for putting my own enjoyment above being a more traditional respectable mum.. I need to work on that