Hello SAAFE forum members,

I've signed up to SAAFE just today, seeking some urgent advice from you all.

My name is Isha, currently working as an independent escort in England. So far, it's been a rewarding experience. I really do love my job and am looking to make a career in escorting.

My problem now is: my partner. We are looking to get married soon. I don't want to give up on escorting however.

I'd like to know if there is any way that I can continue in escort business, and show my partner that I am working a full-time job elsewhere? Basically, I will need monthly payslips from a company/business something like that, just to prove I'm employed somewhere. Can anyone of you help me with that, if you can please?

[redacted]

Many thanks,
Isha 

Hi Isha and welcome to SAAFE.

Nobody here is going to supply you with fake payslips, and if your fiancé is demanding to see documentation from you in this way because they don't trust you and want to check up on you, have a good think about whether this is the sort of person you want to be married to. You are an adult in an adult relationship, and this sort of controlling behaviour doesn't tend to get better with time.

Leaving that aside and since there are plenty of places online for general relationship advice, there are threads knocking about here which discuss similar situations and I'm sure there will be posters who can help advise you on ways to keep your job from your partner along at some point. I'm afraid I'm not one of them .

As said, getting married to someone under false pretences is asking for trouble. You've obviously managed to keep it secret for a long time, but is it worth the risk? How are you going to convincingly talk about a part-time job, let alone a full-time one, gossip/moan about colleagues etc.?

How long have you been together? How long have you been escorting?

This will be a very arduous lie to keep up. And an even bigger mess to clear up should he find out after your married, and knew you did it all along.

Do you 100% need to get married. Lots of people are committed to one another without the paperwork. And dare I say Legal fee’s should things not end up well.

Fake paper slips and any fake job etc for sure don’t pass for mortgages as you said you realise, but what happens when he wants to tick off the milestone of getting a place together (via a mortgage). Or other life commitments that need passable relative paperwork. And your married.
I don’t know, as I’ve not been married. But I think being someone’s partner but not legally on such a big lie is just easier.

It is extremely difficult dating someone who is not aware of or behind your escort work. So many problems. We can see it as just work and very black and white but the guy will not look at it that way. In his eyes you are cheating and sleeping around. It doesn't matter that its only business for you. He won't get that. Only very few guys do understand and don't mind. I know one married guy, he is a punter of mine. His wife escorts part time. He knows what she does. He is absolutely cool with it and has even joined in on a few bookings when required. She also lets him see escorts. They have a great marriage and it works amazingly well but I'd say they are in the minority. She told him right from the start what she did though. There were never any lies.

Your situation is like this.... either you lie and life gets trickier and trickier and you are eventually caught out in a lie or he finds out himself. Both ways lead to one outcome....you split up, he feels betrayed worse than all betrayals and ends up hating you and feeling humiliated.

You have to ask yourself if escorting is more important to you than your relationship. If so you have to end the relationship or talk to him about it. But it seems like you already know what he would think and say about it and it won't be positive.

I am in a situation myself with a partner who knows but doesn't want me doing it. We are not married. We aren't even on our way to marriage! Its been the most challenging relationship I've ever had as a result of my work. Unlike you though I was already at a point where I was sick of work and wanted to do something else. I have cut bookings right down and am concentrating on other aspects of my life that had become neglected, like my social life, hobbies and interests. It works better for me and I decided my relationship was more important as I do not want to be alone and I have feelings for him that are more important to me than a job that I don't wanna do anymore. I am not out of escorting completely by any means but I do have plans for the future which don't include this type of work.

You on the other hand have said you want to make a career out of it. This may be the case now but in say 5-10yrs you may think very differently and not enjoy it so much or get burnout. You may ask yourself why you threw away your relationship and for what? Or you may pat yourself on the back, be thoroughly enjoying your life and be relieved that you are not with someone you have to lie to. You may of found a guy who is 100% behind what you do.

No one can tell what will happen in life!

But, you are definitely making a big mistake by marrying anyone you have to constantly lie to cos you sincerely hope to make a career in escorting and you know it would break his heart if he knew about it. I think you know what has to be done but can't face it.

So again, ask yourself what is more important to you, him or escorting?

I agree with everyone on here. I don't think it's a good idea to get married to someone and pull out this big massive lie. It's one thing to lie and blur your face while being in this occupation, but to bring someone else in it when they have no idea. You're messing with someone's emotions and making the choice for them when that is not right. They should be informed so they can make the choice on whether they would like to continue the relationship or not.

You definitely will get caught. Guys are not stupid when it comes to those things. I tried to hide it with my boyfriend when I first started when I was around 22 or 23 years old. It's a long story, but he ended up finding my ads on back page and he was NOT cool with it. I don't think you need to be afraid of not meeting someone while in this business. There are some people who would be okay with it, you just need to look. I am currently single but I am aware that there are people who might. Life's just a little complicated for me at this point in my life..

I think you need to be aware that while you are taking precaution while seeing your clients, you are still putting your significant other at risk in so many ways. It sucks but why not let them make the choice.

Ok OP were not here to judge your situation. It's not the way most of us would go about stuff but each to their own.

I would tell him your freelancing somewhere... maybe as a hairdresser, graphic designer? Hair extensions? Amdbeuase you get paid per Job you are responsible for your own taxes and that u need to setup a Ltd company.

That way you can got to 'work'. Run your money through a business ac. Pay your taxes and get wage slips. Just dont get caught otherwise hes going to be extremly hurt..

If you really are smart then get an actual freelance job in thate area where you may need to work one afternoon from a salon or an office (depending what u want to tell him) that way if he quizzes you, you can actually talk about your job and what it entails.

Just imagine if he starts asking 'hows your job'? And your like 'ermmmm its ok' but if u actually was working in that area u could say 'oh well someone came in today with orange hair and they wanted me to turn it blue... blah blah.

Just cover your tracks is all I'm saying. It's not going to be easy living a double life. X