Thank you for all your helpful suggestions.
"The alternative to cold turkey quitting is to become a lot more fussy about which clients to see. Look at what the good ones have in common and only see men like them. Look at the what the bad ones have in common and don't see ones like them."
I thought this one was interesting. I suppose the good clients for me were the ones that were a similar age to me, clean, not hideous, not strange and came very quickly! How can I tell if a client will be like that? I never ask a client anything about himself before we meet. I really thought that would be rude. I mean if he is paying me ?140 who am I to ask questions? Obviously if someone was too demanding, unclean, strange or rude, I never saw them again. Most of my clients were new to me. I didn't see many more than once, I tried not to because I liked the thrill of not knowing who was going to be at the door. I also didn't like getting familiar with clients. It made me feel a bit creeped out when guys would remember stuff about my life I had told them last time and bring it up. I have read somewhere that you shouldn't tell clients stuff but i find it hard not to. It is hard enough to get your body to pretend it likes someone as well as inventing a whole different life story.
I am still in possession of my escorting SIM card, with all the clients numbers on it. I'm close to chucking it.
Although I have no desire to escort at the moment (thankfully) I have a naughty voice in the back of my head saying "don't chuck it, what if you get a huge bill, or something goes wrong, and you need money fast".
Maybe I should go and get an extra job (mine is only part time) to fill in time and reassure myself I can always pay the bills.
I took my profile off AW last week. I believe you can still get it back for one month, after that its gone, so I will see if I can last for a month without logging back in. If I can't I will change the password like someone recommended, that's a good idea.
I have gone to the doctor about my drinking/slight depression once. I told him I really wanted Psychotherapy. He agreed it would help me and recommended me for it. He sent me to see someone about my drinking. I later got a call from the Berkshire mental health team to say "we can't give you Psychotherapy because your drinking level is too high, it won't work unless you don't drink at all". The place I got sent to about my drinking was aimed at alcoholics and junkies. They couldn't really understand what I was doing there after I told them I had a flat, a job, I wasn't out on bail or physically addicted to anything. They couldn't really help me, just got me to keep a drink diary for a month and suggested what was triggering my drinking, which I know anyway. I tried an AA meeting once, but found it very strange. They were obsessed with the program, even arguing about the best way to approach different steps. It seemed like a cult. Plus it was intimidating. A friend came with me that time, that was fine. However I couldn't go on my own. You have to have tea breaks, smile and chat with strangers, I can't do that, it would drive me to drink!
I am going to go to my local STD clinic to get tested for everything on Monday (I will be allowed to kiss my boyfriend after I get the all clear, hurray!). I may ask them if they know of any organisations that can help me. However I'm not sure i can look a respectable person in the face and say what I have been doing. I don't even tell the doctor there what I have been up to, I just say I have been very promiscuous lately and need tests for everything.
My boyfriend is married to someone else with 2 kids. It was an arranged marriage, as he is a British/Pakistani/Muslim. Although he says he has never loved her and they don't have sex, he wouldn't even consider leaving her as she is his cousin and it would destroy the family. It could be his religion that makes him more judgemental than some, as he even disapproves of one night stands (although he seems to manage with adultery OK!)
Being with him has destroyed my self worth as well as causing me lots of pain. As well as coming second best I can't even be seen on the street with him in case his numerous family members spot us together. So we never go out anywhere, just stay in my flat. I know I should dump him, I try to all the time. I go on holidays, I change my number, delete his number, stay off work (we work together), look for other jobs, consider moving abroad, everything I can think of. We always get back together though, because I love him, he makes me laugh and I find him totally irresistible . Maybe I even started escorting because I wanted to get at him. He is rich and offers to pay my bills when I have struggled. I kind of enjoyed saying "no its OK, I had sex with 3 strange men last night, so I can pay my own bills thanks!"
I am feeling more positive now so hopefully everything will work out and I can put all this behind me.