SAAFE forum
General Category => Questions and Answers => Topic started by: CurlsnCurves on 30 October 2017, 02:11:22 pm
-
In desperate need of advice. I have a date tonight. Not an escort date, a regular date. I haven't told the guy what I do for a living and he's not asked so it's bound to come up. How do I deal with this? Do I tell him online now before I go and meet him in person, then and leave him to make up his mind whether he still wants to meet or do I meet him and deal with it if it comes up? And how do I tell him? I don't know what to say. There was nothing on my profile alluding to anything sexual let alone being a WG. Help!
-
In desperate need of advice. I have a date tonight. Not an escort date, a regular date. I haven't told the guy what I do for a living and he's not asked so it's bound to come up. How do I deal with this? Do I tell him online now before I go and meet him in person, then and leave him to make up his mind whether he still wants to meet or do I meet him and deal with it if it comes up? And how do I tell him? I don't know what to say. There was nothing on my profile alluding to anything sexual let alone being a WG. Help!
If you're looking for a serious relationship I'd probably tell him either before or during the date - no point in wasting either of your's time if he's going to be freaked out by it.
-
I would probably tell him before, if he doesn't like it you both know before you make the effort to get ready etc. Or you could lie if it comes up and tell him the truth as you are leaving after the date, then he gets to find out after you have met and maybe he can make a better decision having met you.
Either way I think the sooner the better, it will only get harder further down the line.
xx
-
I'm currently on a dating site and it says on there that I'm a sex worker (and has a few t&c for those who want to meet me have to obide by and most have respectfully done so) and no one has batted an eye lid. It's easier sometimes, especially being pan. I can't just walk up to anyone of similar gender and start chatting them up as they might not be as inclined and I don't like 'gay bars' so to speak :-X
-
I start with saying i cam see what they say, abandon all hope if they get weird or go onto mention escort. One thing i would say is dont bring it up like its a bad thing or it tends to egt taken as a bad thing.
I also tell them first date tbh. Better sooner rather than later imo!
-
Although I admire everyone's honesty , there is no way that I could dilvulge my sex work profession to a virtual stranger , either before or during the first date . There are too many ways that it could come back to bite my arse in my opinion . By the time we've agreed on a date , we would have exchanged face pics , phone numbers, approximate location and such like and I feel it would be too easy for a disgruntled guy that didn't make the cut to a second date to out me .
-
plus 1 mb :)
-
I'd have told them before I agreed to the date, assuming they asked. Being outed isn't a concern for me, but nobody can out you if they don't know anything about you bar a picture and a (disposable) phone number anyway :).
-
I'd have told them before I agreed to the date, assuming they asked. Being outed isn't a concern for me, but nobody can out you if they don't know anything about you bar a picture and a (disposable) phone number anyway :).
Yup. I give a fake name to all potential dates and they know this. It's only until I know who they are and trust them enough. People are more understanding than I realised, if they don't understand they are not the right kind of person for me -anyway-. and take my handbag everywhere to avoid snooping (good practice for even civvy dating).
I must be a great potential date ::)
-
Yup. I give a fake name to all potential dates and they know this. It's only until I know who they are and trust them enough. People are more understanding than I realised, if they don't understand they are not the right kind of person for me -anyway-. and take my handbag everywhere to avoid snooping (good practice for even civvy dating).
I think it's all excellent practice for anybody going on a date with somebody they don't know, regardless of occupation. To be fair though, I don't think internet dating existed as a mainstream activity when I met Mr Amy so I'm a bit out of the loop ;D.
-
Do you really need to tell him you dont know him yet and its only a first date who knows where it will even go or if you will see him again?
-
Are you looking for a serious long term relationship, or just a bit of fun?
If it's a bit of fun, then I don't think you ever need to disclose unless you want to.
If you want a serious relationship, and you intend to carry on doing sex work, then I think being upfront is best.
-
I just tell them when the inevitable 'what do you do?' question comes up.
-
God no! I made the mistake of telling a bloke I started seeing. When I decided to end it after 6 weeks he told my job and a tabloid paper, lost job, got put in the paper and outed everywhere. NEVER AGAIN!
-
I think you have to be very careful here!
Unless you are completely out to everyone do take care when revealing what you do.
I would definately not reveal on a first date, you may not click, you may hate him!
Wait a little while, see if it?s its going anywhere then re-evaluate.
After all once it?s out you can?t put it back in, and unfortunately some guys have been known to turn nasty or try and out you if things turn sour.
-
My advise: Proceed with caution. Do not tell him right away because you don't know this guy well. He could be a nice discreet person or he could be a massive prick who is going to call you names or tell everyone around. Information is power and you'll be giving him a lot of power by disclosing right away your occupation. Go on a date, maybe a couple dates, get to know a bit, see how he feels about the sex industry in the middle of a casual conversation ("gee... my neighbour is an escort and I'm friends with her, she's nice girl bla bla"_) Dip your toe inside the water. Then after 2 or 3 dates AND IF you are still interested in the guy (maybe by them you don't want to date him anymore, who knows) and he's a nice and open minded person AND you see some relationship potential then "drop the bomb", but not before.
-
Whether it's right or whether it's wrong I wouldn't be disclosing that I was a SW at the beginning of dating scene.
Many guys may think you'll jump in the sack with them just because of your job and that isn't fair. We all deserve a private life.
-
I wouldn't tell him anything until you know if you like him, there is no need to tell him before you even meet him
-
I wouldn't tell him anything until you know if you like him, there is no need to tell him before you even meet him
+1
I went on a first date last week and I told him I was a Dominatrix (just to see his reaction). The rest of the night went downhill from there because he made it all about his fetishes and what kinks he wanted to experience ::) I explained that I was meeting him for him, not to solicit for work but he just didnt get it and even offered me money for a session LOL. He was a nice guy but he couldnt fully grasp that I wanted to keep my work life separate from my personal life. He never contacted me back but he did give me some valuable advise before we ended the date: do not mention it on a first meet because that will be all they will think about!!
-
I think you have to be very careful here!
Unless you are completely out to everyone do take care when revealing what you do.
I would definately not reveal on a first date, you may not click, you may hate him!
Wait a little while, see if it?s its going anywhere then re-evaluate.
After all once it?s out you can?t put it back in, and unfortunately some guys have been known to turn nasty or try and out you if things turn sour.
I used to do this and I've wasted time and money on people who were not ok with my job. Even if their general view is that they have nothing against a sex workers it doesn't always mean they want to date one. Also not great when you find someone you -do- click with and then then they say it's not ok or kinda pretend to accept it as they have already seen you a few times, have sex with you then leave you in the dust!
IME people respect the fact that I'm honest about it if they know what I do straight away. I make it clear that I don't accept boundary pushers in work or my private life and I just want to get away from talking about sex. If they ask dumb questions I just get up, down my light ale and go. Screening processes are useful in and out of work ;D
-
I used to do this and I've wasted time and money on people who were not ok with my job. Even if their general view is that they have nothing against a sex workers it doesn't always mean they want to date one. Also not great when you find someone you -do- click with and then then they say it's not ok or kinda pretend to accept it as they have already seen you a few times, have sex with you then leave you in the dust!
IME people respect the fact that I'm honest about it if they know what I do straight away. I make it clear that I don't accept boundary pushers in work or my private life and I just want to get away from talking about sex. If they ask dumb questions I just get up, down my light ale and go. Screening processes are useful in and out of work ;D
That?s great too, different things work for different people.
I on the other hand decided it was too much hassle to date whilst doing this line of work, partly due to this very dilemma.
As no way would I be open from the get go, just too risky for me personally.
OP would love to hear an update: let us know how it went/what approach you took?
-
Some mixed advice here I can only tell you from my personal experience. I met a guy going a few years back when I wasnt working I was on a little break from escorting but still doing webcam I met him fell in Love told Him after a few weeks that I was a escort but was taking a break but I do webcam . He was happy with the cam but not the escorting which I understood I had had enough of working any way. I moved in with him quite quick he became very controlling after I had moved in he made my life hell Each civy Job I got he would always threaten to tell people what I used to do he would constantly smash up my laptop so i couldn't webcam . When I finally left him I left his house with only 60 quid in my pocket . Luckily my family already new but he did tell all the new friends I had made and he felt the need to tell my nans next door neighbour he had her on facebook luckily my nan had already told her. I promised my self from that day I wouldn't choose love over money again.
Also I would never tell a guy what I do . I have been on dates but they have not lead any where any way . If things were to get serious with some one I would just stop working if I was in a position too I would just do my webcam but I still wouldnt say any thing . Its great to be honest but also need to think of your self because people can judge and be nasty .
My advice is to not say any thing x
-
Some mixed advice here I can only tell you from my personal experience. I met a guy going a few years back when I wasnt working I was on a little break from escorting but still doing webcam I met him fell in Love told Him after a few weeks that I was a escort but was taking a break but I do webcam . He was happy with the cam but not the escorting which I understood I had had enough of working any way. I moved in with him quite quick he became very controlling after I had moved in he made my life hell Each civy Job I got he would always threaten to tell people what I used to do he would constantly smash up my laptop so i couldn't webcam . When I finally left him I left his house with only 60 quid in my pocket . Luckily my family already new but he did tell all the new friends I had made and he felt the need to tell my nans next door neighbour he had her on facebook luckily my nan had already told her. I promised my self from that day I wouldn't choose love over money again.
Also I would never tell a guy what I do . I have been on dates but they have not lead any where any way . If things were to get serious with some one I would just stop working if I was in a position too I would just do my webcam but I still wouldnt say any thing . Its great to be honest but also need to think of your self because people can judge and be nasty .
My advice is to not say any thing x
Sorry to hear your story, but he didn't turn your life into a living hell because you were an escort, he turned your life into hell because he was one big fat abusive and controlling tw-t. Had you been a waitress he would have still abused you big time. I believe your mistake was NOT disclosing you were an escort, but disclosing it to a major abusive tw-t.
-
It really depends on what's at stake for you if you're outed. I'm lucky in that all of my social circle know already so it's not a secret. Fortunately I've had good relationships while escorting because I've been with mature and open minded men. Unfortunately, there'll always be people out there who want to use it against you, or will hurt you in some way. I told a guy what I did, he seemed fine with it, we slept together, and then he ghosted me. I found out later from a mutual friend it was because he had a problem with my job. So obviously, I felt really used :-\
-
Thanks Ana Hun he certainly was a nutter but I personally am put off from dating any one like I said had a few dates
but nothing major I dated some one recently who turned out to be a idiot so glad never told him any thing either .
Im happy being single less stress but me personally I will be keeping my job a secret xx
-
So I decided I would tell him before we met so no time was wasted either side n he still wanted to meet. I didn't know anything about what he was into sexually but it turns out we are very well matched in that respect which surprises us both. I didn't sleep with him as I didn't go out intending on doing so although of course the excitement of finding mutual shared sexual interests that he's never encountered with other women meant he was keen to get my knickers off. He came back but I made it clear no sex and we stuck to that but had a bit of a snog which made me tingle n get wet. I never feel that or get wet with guys when I'm escorting. Lube is literally my best friend. I thought I never would again be without lube to be honest and just be going through the motions of liking sex but not getting that huge buzz from it as I used to, so a tingle just from kissing is amazing n something I'd forgotten even existed and he is a great kisser which is another thing I'd forgotten men could even be. But at the back of my mind I did wonder if I just needed to be with a non punter to get those feelings back again and it seems as though I was right. So I am seeing him again tomorrow evening n maybe or maybe not we might fuck. I do need to find out how the sex is as if it isn't as good as I think it might be I will lose interest and just feel like I do when escorting which I certainly don't want, it HAS to feel different! Yes I do want more than a sexual relationship but sex is still important nonetheless. He is just as happy to chill out, watch movies, cuddle and eat pizza with me and listen to me talk and laugh at my jokes. He said if he did ever feel jealous about my work he would tell me and we could decide where to go from there. But no he wasn't freaked out by my confession. I just don't think I could hold back what my work is whilst trying to get to know someone. I'm pretty honest and it wouldn't feel right to me. If we clicked n then I said something further down the line and got rejected I would absolutely hate that.
-
So I decided I would tell him before we met so no time was wasted either side n he still wanted to meet. I didn't know anything about what he was into sexually but it turns out we are very well matched in that respect which surprises us both. I didn't sleep with him as I didn't go out intending on doing so although of course the excitement of finding mutual shared sexual interests that he's never encountered with other women meant he was keen to get my knickers off. He came back but I made it clear no sex and we stuck to that but had a bit of a snog which made me tingle n get wet. I never feel that or get wet with guys when I'm escorting. Lube is literally my best friend. I thought I never would again be without lube to be honest and just be going through the motions of liking sex but not getting that huge buzz from it as I used to, so a tingle just from kissing is amazing n something I'd forgotten even existed and he is a great kisser which is another thing I'd forgotten men could even be. But at the back of my mind I did wonder if I just needed to be with a non punter to get those feelings back again and it seems as though I was right. So I am seeing him again tomorrow evening n maybe or maybe not we might fuck. I do need to find out how the sex is as if it isn't as good as I think it might be I will lose interest and just feel like I do when escorting which I certainly don't want, it HAS to feel different! Yes I do want more than a sexual relationship but sex is still important nonetheless. He is just as happy to chill out, watch movies, cuddle and eat pizza with me and listen to me talk and laugh at my jokes. He said if he did ever feel jealous about my work he would tell me and we could decide where to go from there. But no he wasn't freaked out by my confession. I just don't think I could hold back what my work is whilst trying to get to know someone. I'm pretty honest and it wouldn't feel right to me. If we clicked n then I said something further down the line and got rejected I would absolutely hate that.
This sounds fab, i was wonderig how the date went! See howbit goes but the "tingle" is just the best after a time eacorting and forgetting it! As is the offer of pizza and chilling out!
Hope this goes well for you. Good luck with tomorrow and he sounds like he took it well and was mature about it! :-)
-
As much as it is a job, I have taken for granted how easy it is with clients compared to civvy first date. With clients, both of us knows the deal. Sex is guaranteed and it's easy not to have to worry about whether fucking them is the 'right move'. It's also a lot easier to be around clients as we've got it pat down and to a routine. Also, it is a lot easier when the sleeping with each other bit is done. With civvies, it's hard to know when that time is. Having been on a one month break post surgery, I can safely say that I miss client sex a lot and that work beats swiping on Tinder! :P
-
I agree with that if you have no issue with being outed then why not disclose? But im thinking how many men would admit that they see SW's?
Also if you use sites like tinder or any site that is connected to your personal social media accounts then the person you are 'dating' or thinking about dating may be able to cause unnecessary drama?
And if you use the same pics on dating sites as you do on your SW profiles or show face it may well be that certain men that contact you via dating websites may have an idea of who you are and what you do without you even having to disclose..
The world isnt full of people trying to do the worst, but Its important to stay safe. Especially when online x
-
I am too scared to date civvy guys, always worried i will get outed when things turn sour. I only date married clients, which gives me a sense of security- they know my secret, i know their secret. Sad i know, but i just couldn't date a 'normal' man.
-
If its just a date then its not really any of his business and you shouldn't feel obliged to tell him, its better to get to know someone before you tell them that your a working girl, otherwise they may well get the wrong impression of you, not everyone is open minded & non judgmental about sex work.
Make a job up as it may just be one date & you may never ever see him after the date and you'd regret telling him.
-
From my experience I would disclose this information only when I was certain this turned into sth serious and if we are to be in relationship he would need to know the truth. I would give hints as we go along. That's what happened to me. I met a guy, much much younger, I was keeping it very casual and distanced but he was just going more and more crazy about me. First I confronted him with a question about what he thinks now of prostitutes (it was more a discussion that basically led to this question being asked by me)saying I used to have a friend who had no other choice but work as an escort. His answer suggested that he is ok with that but wouldn't be entirely happy if I did that. Though he would understand if I chosen that profession as a last resort.
I basically kept bringing him closer and closer to the business,mentioned I rent flat to working girls.
Then I was away abroad and he called me asking who is "My Working Name" I didn't answer and disconnected and then he messaged all links and pictures he could find. We had a talk and he said he suspected it since the first hint. So he basically did the math and he knew the truth. I told him I wanted him to find out, If I didn't then he never would. I also told him that now he knows we can be a proper relationship and he is very happy boy now. Me too as I no longer have to hide everything from him and it made my life so much easier! He also helps me a lot ,clean the flat,stays with kid when I tour. Everything just changed into better and my feeling for him too:-)
My advice is to keep it secret until you know it can turn into a serious relationship. Only if he loves you he will be able to put up with it. If you tell him on a first date then he either judge you straight away or keep you for a free sexual encounters. But if he doesn't know about it,he will want to get to know you for who you are deep inside and not for what you do.
Best of luck with your dates hun!
x
-
I have come off a dating site for the same reason. I'm far too honest and I can't envisage many guys being ok with it. I just think the majority would want to 'try you out' and then dump you. I clearly have met a lot of immature guys (usually on dating sites!)
Absolutely dying to know how date 2 went.....any update please? I love a romance and here's hoping the tingling feeling is still there x
-
A lot of ladies will jidge me now. But I would never tell any one I am dating what I do.
I used to be in a relationship with 2 men. First man had no idea, used to see him after seeing a client. He was a twat in the end so do not regret not missing out on business whilst with him. Although I turned down a good agency because of him... This I regret.
Stopped working for a second man. Regretting it now.
My opinion is never share with your date, boyfriend etc. First of all, its a mercy, they will not have nagging thoughts and internal conflict. Second, he might turn out to be not worth it so why tell
-
Just a little update, its going really well. I like him more n more every time I see him. He's sweet and doesn't mind me sending him out to buy my Tampax or food or litter for my cat. Didn't say a word when I asked if he'd pay for a little food shop for me and is really easy going and easy to be with. I can be myself whether it's feeling super horny, being chilled out, acting like an idiot, saying whatever I want to, I wonder how he'll cope with me this weekend on my period with cramps n backache? I think my snoring may be something I want to keep to myself n the cat as long as I can though, haha. I'm wondering now if my status is 'in a relationship'. We are planning little outings n things in the weeks ahead and going shopping for Xmas decorations at the weekend which I get excited about cos I love doing a Xmas tree n all that. Its all very positive so far. On the flip side escort work has dried up to nothing! And what now with totm on the cards at any time looks like I'm gonna stay skint a little longer. For once I'd like it if when we went out I had some money to spend!!! God knows I need new going out clothes, especially now and with Xmas coming.
-
how long you been seeing him just thought id ask
-
curlsncurves, good for you, as long as he continues to pay his way and treats you like a princess, it's great news!
And it's so romantic doing christmassy things with a new boyfriend......wishing you a great christmas together x
-
God no! I made the mistake of telling a bloke I started seeing. When I decided to end it after 6 weeks he told my job and a tabloid paper, lost job, got put in the paper and outed everywhere. NEVER AGAIN!
+1
-
+1
Yep i would not tell a boyfriend too risky for blackmail or being outed seen it happen to other women so do not want to live in fear.
-
I am too scared to date civvy guys, always worried i will get outed when things turn sour. I only date married clients, which gives me a sense of security- they know my secret, i know their secret. Sad i know, but i just couldn't date a 'normal' man.
I go for unavailable men too! I'm trying a swingers site atm but not telling guys what I do. If I choose to, I may tell them once I've met them a couple of times. Hoping they'll be more accepting anyway than a civvy guy.
Dates are on a need to know basis, it may not go anywhere & you don't know what they are up to either.
-
I would stick with a cover story and then start leaning towards the adult industry after a v long time , anyone sensible would understand if they loved you and it would have to be a real mutual love before I ever said anything.
More if you change your mind about the guy it will be easier to avoid a somewhat nasty situation .
I say I work away and that I'm a self employed / freelance ?not miles away from the truth , but not enough I hope to be found .
-
Don't disclose anything at this stage. Also, you
are assuming disclosure is correct thing for you to do
yet have you considered that he may not be a saint
himself?
For me personally I could never have a serious relationship
whilst doing this job. It is not only unfair and extremely
hypocritical but I wouldn't want to be with any man who
was ok with it, what does that say about him?
He'd never take you seriously and would more than likely take
revenge on you constantly behind your back, especially
If he's the passive aggressive type.
No decent man (and they do exist) wants to share
his mate with other men, I'm afraid that is an evolutionary fact.
-
I'm astonished at the amount of women on here
telling her to lie to him or even that she should tell him
gradually and then if he loved her he would understand!
Wrong, if he loves you he'd be genuinely distraught.
It is never ok to lie. We all come on here and belittle and
rant about men yet have hypocritical double standards.
If I thought I was going to be in a relationship with
someone I had feelings for I would have to quit.
This was never a life choice for me but a wage
topper upper lol. I don't think anyone should make
this their only job, for a number of reasons.
And what's the point in having an open relationship?
That just means neither of you have any respect for each other
and never will.
-
Don't disclose anything at this stage. Also, you
are assuming disclosure is correct thing for you to do
yet have you considered that he may not be a saint
himself?
For me personally I could never have a serious relationship
whilst doing this job. It is not only unfair and extremely
hypocritical but I wouldn't want to be with any man who
was ok with it, what does that say about him?
He'd never take you seriously and would more than likely take
revenge on you constantly behind your back, especially
If he's the passive aggressive type.
No decent man (and they do exist) wants to share
his mate with other men, I'm afraid that is an evolutionary fact.
So all of us who are married are what ????
-
I'm astonished at the amount of women on here
telling her to lie to him or even that she should tell him
gradually and then if he loved her he would understand!
Wrong, if he loves you he'd be genuinely distraught.
It is never ok to lie. We all come on here and belittle and
rant about men yet have hypocritical double standards.
If I thought I was going to be in a relationship with
someone I had feelings for I would have to quit.
This was never a life choice for me but a wage
topper upper lol. I don't think anyone should make
this their only job, for a number of reasons.
And what's the point in having an open relationship?
That just means neither of you have any respect for each other
and never will.
Very sweeping judgemental opinion , astonished !!!!
-
And we don't all slag off men !
-
I'm sorry that you've taken offence at my comments.
It isn't my intention to offend anyone but we're seriously
deluded to think any decent guy would tolerate us doing this.
It's not healthy to do this and maintain a proper reciprocal relationship.
I wouldn't like to comment on anyone being married, I'm not here to judge
but to have an opinion and one that's based on an awareness of healthy
relationship dynamics and psychology, of which I know a thing or two let's just say.
If you think it is ok for a woman to lie and deceive
someone then I think you should ask yourself why you
feel it's acceptable.
-
Well I'm not judging anyone and lots of people on here are in long term relationships , that it seems you are ridiculing .
-
Not ridiculing at all. Just speaking straight.
-
Anna, you're as entitled to your opinion as everybody else here and everyone's experiences are welcome, but please remember that an opinion is all it is, and that whilst your experiences are entirely valid they also only apply to you and cannot be extrapolated to include anybody else.
It is not OK to try to tell other adults that they do or should think, feel and act the same as you, and presenting personal views as fact is not acceptable here - please keep this in mind and post accordingly :).
-
I'm not telling anyone how to think and
my views are not based on personal experience.
Yes, my opinion of which I'm entitled to have.
I just think putting such low expectations and lying
to partners or potential partners is wrong and dishonest. Why deliberately set out
to deceive?
-
Well what your views are based on isn't the point, but it's important to remember that because you feel a particular way about relationships and sex work that doesn't mean that others will.agree and nor does it make you right and them wrong (or vice versa). To those for whom sex work is a positive choice and an honest job the fact that we are having sex with punters at work and relationship partners at home is no more relevant or problematic than if we were cooking them food or cutting their hair - it's a paid service and that's all.
That isn't to say I agree with those advising lying to partners, but just because I wouldn't do it doesn't give me the right to tell others they can't. The world is a diverse place :)
-
I'll reiterate, I wasn't telling them they 'cant'.
I disagree, this is not the same as cutting hair.
Everyone entitled to do as they please but what I'd ask is this:
At a husbands/ boyfriends works Christmas party, or
upon being introduced to the family, would these men happily
reveal what their wives/ girlfriends do for a living?
I'm guessing not.
If it was all so ok then it wouldn't be taboo.
And once again I'm not judging as I do it myself but
lying leads down a slippery slope and causes
people heartache or worse.
-
The world is indeed a diverse place but to dress up deception
as diversity is quite morally repugnant.
-
This is an interesting debate by both sides of opinions.
To do with the OP though she has only just gone on a few dates so personally i do not think he needs to be told straight away as it could back fire and she could be open to outing blackmail etc.
It is a personal choice if partners get told or if they do and there ok with there gf doing this job that is up to them personally for me i prefer to be single doing this i would struggle if a bf knew and was ok with me doing this but everybody looks at things different what works for 1 person might not work for another.
-
Exactly. And the word 'debate' is one which means
we have differing opinions and it is not a good thing
to try to shut down voices of those who do not
agree. That's the whole point of debate and discussion,
If we all agreed and tried to silence opinions we would
never learn anything.
-
Exactly. And the word 'debate' is one which means
we have differing opinions and it is not a good thing
to try to shut down voices of those who do not
agree. That's the whole point of debate and discussion,
If we all agreed and tried to silence opinions we would
never learn anything.
+1
-
The world is indeed a diverse place but to dress up deception
as diversity is quite morally repugnant.
I didn't say that at all - do not patronise me, and most certainly do not twist my words. I was pointing out that not everybody deceives their partners, and that includes me. My job is just work, and that is all.
The wide variety of ways in which different people conduct their personal affairs is where the diversity lies, and since I suspect you know exactly what I mean I'll suggest you take the judgemental twaddle down a notch. Debating is fine but as I've already said, telling other people they are wrong because they don't share your extremely negative and pessimistic outlook is not.
-
God no! I made the mistake of telling a bloke I started seeing. When I decided to end it after 6 weeks he told my job and a tabloid paper, lost job, got put in the paper and outed everywhere. NEVER AGAIN!
Shit!!!! put in the paper??? Just for being a sex worker. This is why i am careful with private and work life.
-
I disagree, this is not the same as cutting hair.
And that's fine - for you :). In terms of providing paying customers with a professional service, it's no different at all to me. It's also possibly worth pointing out that my partner also provides an expensive paid service to customers and therefore has more insight into what it's like than somebody with a civvy job.
-
So to disagree and have a different opinion is to be negative and pessimistic.
Ok, I can see that we can have opinions on here, as
long as they're the correct ones :-/
It's not negative or pessimistic to be if the common
Sense view that sex work and genuine honest relationships
do not work. I would bet my life that any man
who is happy to go along with it is also playing
away.
I'll leave my comments there. Or shall I be banned
for having a different opinion?
-
The world is indeed a diverse place but to dress up deception
as diversity is quite morally repugnant.
Can i ask what do you say to clients that tell you they are married and still have sex with there wife but enjoy fucking different sex workers behind her back?
-
There's a difference between having an intelligent, informed debate and coming in all guns blazing slagging off the lifestyle of hundreds of women and their long-term partners... Plenty of men can differentiate their female partners having sex with other men for money versus the intimacy of an LTR. Others choose to have open relationships, some stick to fuckbuddies, others swing, some choose to be single.
When it comes to relationships, no matter who is involved and what their job is, there's no right and no wrong.
-
So to disagree and have a different opinion is to be negative and pessimistic.
Ok, I can see that we can have opinions on here, as
long as they're the correct ones :-/
It's not negative or pessimistic to be if the common
Sense view that sex work and genuine honest relationships
do not work. I would bet my life that any man
who is happy to go along with it is also playing
away.
If you don't think your posts are negative and pessimistic, then please explain why? All I can see is comments about how sex workers should not expect to have happy, fulfilling relationships and faithful partners - I must be missing something? You've also said that nobody should have sex work as their only job - if other people.are quite happy with the hours they work and how they earn a living, what business is it of yours?
Once again, having an opinion and deciding that you're comfortable doing things a particular way is fine. Stating that this opinion is 'common sense', or anything else suggests people who say otherwise must be lying or deluded is the problematic part and I've made that extremely clear.
-
If people want casual or open relationships then
that's absolutely fine, so long as both parties know where they stand.
But if you think you will have an honest genuine and respectful
relationship or marriage with a decent man whilst doing sex work
then I'm afraid you are wrong.
There IS a right and a wrong way to conduct relationships.
Would any woman here be comfortable with her husband or long term
partner saying 'hey honey, I'm having sex with other women, but it's only
my job so there's no need to be bothered by it. It's just like
any other service really, like cutting hair for instance', I'm guessing
not.
I will keep reiterating this point though (and please take it on board): I am
not telling anyone how they should be, or judging. I am merely
pointing out some uncomfortable truths. And they're
uncomfortable truths because people are getting upset or offended.
I'm not responsible for anyone getting offended, I think however that
many of you are in denial. But that's your prerogative!
-
I don't like to see women selling themselves
short by being with a man who doesn't care
what they're doing. And also I'd like to stick up
for the men who are none the wiser and actually deserve
better than a woman selling herself behind his back.
Sorry if that offends but all I'm trying to say is everyone
deserves respect and honesty.
-
I don't like to see women selling themselves
short by being with a man who doesn't care
what they're doing. And also I'd like to stick up
for the men who are none the wiser and actually deserve
better than a woman selling herself behind his back.
Sorry if that offends but all I'm trying to say is everyone
deserves respect and honesty.
What i think is what you are saying is what a lot of people in civvy world not involved in the industry would say. The thing about you saying a man would never care about a woman if she was a sex worker and be using her or whatever if he stayed with her well yes in some cases that would happen and that has always been my concern but i do also think there probably some that could look at the situation differently but unless we are them and know what they are thinking nobody will know for sure so it boils down to the 2 people in a relationship being happy with it and living there lives or calling it a day.
As some on here have partners that know what they do i am assuming that those or at least some or most are happy with there relationships. The one positive is they do not need to live a lie and can be open.
-
I never said a man wouldn't 'care' about her.
What I'm saying is a man will never be ok with it.
He is innately evolved to hate his woman being
intimate with another man.
A guy who loves a woman in this job may well love
her and that will cause pain along with bitterness, resentment,
jealousy. That is a fact, and if it is not a fact then he doesn't
care for her.
A man who isn't bothered by these destructive emotions
either doesn't love her or is a narcissist (incapable of feeling
love or related emotions).
Living in denial or putting up with and bottling up
resentment will always manifest later in ugly ways.
P.s I study evolutionary psychology and apply it to behaviour and
relationship dynamics. But I guess you'll tell me I know nothing.
-
I never said a man wouldn't 'care' about her.
What I'm saying is a man will never be ok with it.
He is innately evolved to hate his woman being
intimate with another man.
A guy who loves a woman in this job may well love
her and that will cause pain along with bitterness, resentment,
jealousy. That is a fact, and if it is not a fact then he doesn't
care for her.
A man who isn't bothered by these destructive emotions
either doesn't love her or is a narcissist (incapable of feeling
love or related emotions).
Living in denial or putting up with and bottling up
resentment will always manifest later in ugly ways.
P.s I study evolutionary psychology and apply it to behaviour and
relationship dynamics. But I guess you'll tell me I know nothing.
But haven't you read any of the threads on here that include posts by women who are in happy LTRs...? Perhaps you'd be more at home on Mumsnet!
-
I never said a man wouldn't 'care' about her.
What I'm saying is a man will never be ok with it.
He is innately evolved to hate his woman being
intimate with another man.
A guy who loves a woman in this job may well love
her and that will cause pain along with bitterness, resentment,
jealousy. That is a fact, and if it is not a fact then he doesn't
care for her.
A man who isn't bothered by these destructive emotions
either doesn't love her or is a narcissist (incapable of feeling
love or related emotions).
Living in denial or putting up with and bottling up
resentment will always manifest later in ugly ways.
P.s I study evolutionary psychology and apply it to behaviour and
relationship dynamics. But I guess you'll tell me I know nothing.
I am not saying there is no truth in what you are saying! But it?s a complete generalisation... and doesn?t not account for every man and every realationship.
There are obviously going to be men who would not be happy with having a relationship with a SW. Or even men who persue a relationship but struggle due to their insecurities
It?s all well, coming in here with your rigid views on relationships, with no solid evidence to back up what you are saying. Your argument really is not valid unless you can present evidence to back up your claims. It?s a very one sided argument and it doesn?t look as though you have really researched the topic at all... seeing as there are many WGs on here in happy relationships & marriages. The popular swinging site ?Fab Swingers? has over 130k members.... hundreds of swinger clubs scattered across the UK, festival events and resorts all dedicated to swinging. It?s a HUGE... growing industry!
This shows that not everyone seeks a monogamous relationship- there are open minded men , and there are also the men you have described. As previously mentioned we live in a diverse world, every relationship and values differ.
(This topic would make a very good research topic for your studies)
-
I am not saying there is no truth in what you are saying! But it?s a complete generalisation... and doesn?t not account for every man and every realationship.
There are obviously going to be men who would not be happy with having a relationship with a SW. Or even men who persue a relationship but struggle due to their insecurities
It?s all well, coming in here with your rigid views on relationships, with no solid evidence to back up what you are saying. Your argument really is not valid unless you can present evidence to back up your claims. It?s a very one sided argument and it doesn?t look as though you have really researched the topic at all... seeing as there are many WGs on here in happy relationships & marriages. The popular swinging site ?Fab Swingers? has over 130k members.... hundreds of swinger clubs scattered across the UK, festival events and resorts all dedicated to swinging. It?s a HUGE... growing industry!
This shows that not everyone seeks a monogamous relationship- there are open minded men , and there are also the men you have described. As previously mentioned we live in a diverse world, every relationship and values differ.
(This topic would make a very good research topic for your studies)
We sure do live in a diverse world i mean there is some men that get turned on by there gf/wife fucking other men and they have a open relationship with that and it works would it be for me no i would not want a relationship like that but some do. I do not cheat outside of work but i had had casual dates when working in the past nothing really serious but i did not want them to know i do sex work because nobody knows in my private life and i do not want the risk of it being spread about.
I never have had a serious relationship when working i do not want to lie but i do not want them to know either.
-
Iloveginandtonic, wow you are making generalisations
yourself there. I have researched this topic
I cannot disclose link to my research on here as I'm
sure you appreciate it would involve revealing my identity.
Yes there are swingers and all sorts of relationships but you've
missed the point. Ultimately these kind of relationships are
doomed to fail unless one party is content with
being demeaned.
A man in an open relationship is having his cake and eat it.
The woman is allowing herself to be disrespected and exhibits low
self- worth which a man will naturally view her as low hanging
fruit. When they say 'but he loves me' they're deluded.
You think because a man partakes in such relationships that it's done out of
love, no. He partakes because why not? He's getting
all his needs met and more.
A man may fall in love with a hooker of course, but that
doesn't mean he isn't going to resent her at some point and
he will eventually lose respect for her.
Bottom line, prostitution and love do not work. But it's entirely
your right to believe otherwise if it makes you feel better.
-
If you still doubt what I'm saying go and study
psychology and evolutionary psychology, particularly
human behaviour in relationships and their dynamics.
Until you do so, you're not in any way qualified
to assert you know better than me.
-
The original post want about people not all wanting
monogamous relationships, it was about a woman
going on a date and people encouraging her
to lie about what she does and deception in general.
And my original point is that if you do want a relationship with a decent bloke
who will love you then being a sw and lying
to a man won't work.
Which brings me back to an evolutionary fact: men do
not want to share a woman they love. Swingers do NOT
love their partner. He does not love, he is getting
his needs met and she is deluded.
Of course it's up to a woman if she wants to
allow herself to be treated that way because she
believes he loves her.
These aren't rigid ideas about relationships, these are common sense
facts and there is research to prove it.
Ask any psychologist or behavioural scientist if you
want further clarification.
My opinion most certainly is valid, when you claim
it isn't you sound Orwellian.
-
Imo love is a fantasy as well and a psychological/emotional need for some people, more women than men. With sw/swingers relationships if a man is having his needs met (psyically) so does a woman (needed to be loved). They make a good team imo if decide beforehand what they want out of their rekationship and their long term goal.
About being truely loved, bitterness, revenge and resentment can be resulted from many other things not just sw. Marriages and ltr end for both sw and civvy people.
To OP, do what makes you happy and at peace and take your time with this man and disclose about sw when you think he is worth it. And be extra careful if your family/friends dont know because you are trusting this person with information that can potentially ruin your other relationships and reputation and in the end he might be as interested as you think he was.
Personally i love sw and do not intend to leave it to be loved by another person and i think genuine relationships/marriages can happen with you doing sw, its between you and your partner and your dreams and goals. Some people want true love, some settle for happiness and honesty and so and so.
Again imo, studies are based on human behaviors not the other way round.
Its not fair to call others delusionsal because they believe in different things. I think women on here are nice, smart and wise and if they choose to be married/partnered with i am sure it works for them and makes them happy. You are better at work and generally in life when your happy. If not nice to say that it will be short-term because no one knows. May be there is more study needed because it surely doesnot cover these women.
-
We sure do live in a diverse world i mean there is some men that get turned on by there gf/wife fucking other men and they have a open relationship with that and it works would it be for me no i would not want a relationship like that but some do. I do not cheat outside of work but i had had casual dates when working in the past nothing really serious but i did not want them to know i do sex work because nobody knows in my private life and i do not want the risk of it being spread about.
I never have had a serious relationship when working i do not want to lie but i do not want them to know either.
Exactly and I think there are a lot of women in the industry who would do likewise.
A lot of us keep our sexwork and personal lives separate, with good reason. In which case you are never going to divulge what you do on a first date, which may lead nowhere, and if you are just looking for casual you are unlikely to say so either.
After all we have all heard about former bfs, whether casual or not outing their partners, its not worth the risk.
If you are open and out about your sexworking then you?d obviously be more comfortable telling a partner, casual or otherwise.
If not, unless you find the one in a million, and then everyone has the right to pick the right time for them to tell their partner.
-
The original post want about people not all wanting
monogamous relationships, it was about a woman
going on a date and people encouraging her
to lie about what she does and deception in general.
And my original point is that if you do want a relationship with a decent bloke
who will love you then being a sw and lying
to a man won't work.
Which brings me back to an evolutionary fact: men do
not want to share a woman they love. Swingers do NOT
love their partner. He does not love, he is getting
his needs met and she is deluded.
Of course it's up to a woman if she wants to
allow herself to be treated that way because she
believes he loves her.
These aren't rigid ideas about relationships, these are common sense
facts and there is research to prove it.
Ask any psychologist or behavioural scientist if you
want further clarification.
My opinion most certainly is valid, when you claim
it isn't you sound Orwellian.
I actually agree with a lot of what you are saying, Maybe I'm old fashioned but to me sex should be between 2 people in a committed relationship, I've never done one night stands. I'm not hedonistic I would never go into swinging or group sex as I know I wouldn't enjoy it. I don't date whilst working as I don't want to put myself in the position of lying about what I do or if I tell the truth I'd be wondering does he really love me?, is he with me for freebies? Will he blackmail me if we break up or will he see my job as an excuse to cheat if the opportunity arises because in his mind what's good for the goose is good for the gander? A man dating an escort must be very open minded and to me that means he is sexually open to other things like swapping, swinging and open relationships none of which I would be happy with. Basically I wouldn't want a man who's ok with me selling my body..That's my personal 2 pennies worth.
-
I actually agree with a lot of what you are saying, Maybe I'm old fashioned but to me sex should be between 2 people in a committed relationship, I've never done one night stands. I'm not hedonistic I would never go into swinging or group sex as I know I wouldn't enjoy it. I don't date whilst working as I don't want to put myself in the position of lying about what I do or if I tell the truth I'd be wondering does he really love me?, is he with me for freebies? Will he blackmail me if we break up or will he see my job as an excuse to cheat if the opportunity arises because in his mind what's good for the goose is good for the gander? A man dating an escort must be very open minded and to me that means he is sexually open to other things like swapping, swinging and open relationships none of which I would be happy with. Basically I wouldn't want a man who's ok with me selling my body..That's my personal 2 pennies worth.
I do get where you?re coming from. I only had a few partners before sexwork (and entered in my late 30s), decided not to have one whilst doing sexwork.
I think a lot of us have contradictory views about this...I for example would love it if a man could REALLY be ok about my sexwork, but I don?t think there are many of those around.
So part of me does feel the same, that I wouldn?t want a guy to be ok with it.
I think we are all basically a bundle of contradictions.
-
I do get where you?re coming from. I only had a few partners before sexwork (and entered in my late 30s), decided not to have one whilst doing sexwork.
I think a lot of us have contradictory views about this...I for example would love it if a man could REALLY be ok about my sexwork, but I don?t think there are many of those around.
So part of me does feel the same, that I wouldn?t want a guy to be ok with it.
I think we are all basically a bundle of contradictions.
I agree.
-
I do get where you?re coming from. I only had a few partners before sexwork (and entered in my late 30s), decided not to have one whilst doing sexwork.
I think a lot of us have contradictory views about this...I for example would love it if a man could REALLY be ok about my sexwork, but I don?t think there are many of those around.
So part of me does feel the same, that I wouldn?t want a guy to be ok with it.
I think we are all basically a bundle of contradictions.
Totally agree with it.
Plus to impose your views on others and having extreme views and not acknowleging other real people is denial imo.
-
Extreme views? I think you mean 'views that I don't agree with'.
-
Extreme views? I think you mean 'views that I don't agree with'.
Calling others delusional, in denial and means to an end sort of thing.
-
And using those terms is extreme?
They are not derogatory but explanatory terms, like calling someone
'ignorant'- again not derogatory but a term used to describe
someone's ignorance of something. I am ignorant
of physics and gardening, is it derogatory to point that out?
People do live in denial about some things, that is
just a fact, and facts don't care about your feelings.
No malice intended. X
-
And using those terms is extreme?
They are not derogatory but explanatory terms, like calling someone
'ignorant'- again not derogatory but a term used to describe
someone's ignorance of something. I am ignorant
of physics and gardening, is it derogatory to point that out?
People do live in denial about some things, that is
just a fact, and facts don't care about your feelings.
No malice intended. X
My feelings are fine thanks for your concern. Your previous posts say things that are hurtful, disrespecful and ignorant (thanks for that) to sw who are married, in ltr or dating. I am single btw but its wrong to not acknowledge other and impose your views on others and say there relationships are unhealthy and will be doomed.
The study you talk about is on sw personal lives, i think not. In case it is feel free to share. I do not want to engage in a pointless hateful argument with you. This forum is to support eaachother, not for silly catfights.
-
My feelings are fine thanks for your concern. Your previous posts say things that are hurtful, disrespecful and ignorant (thanks for that) to sw who are married, in ltr or dating. I am single btw but its wrong to not acknowledge other and impose your views on others and say there relationships are unhealthy and will be doomed.
The study you talk about is on sw personal lives, i think not. In case it is feel free to share. I do not want to engage in a pointless hateful argument with you. This forum is to support eaachother, not for silly catfights.
+1
-
Wow Anna P, you seem to know sooo much more then us poor uneducated fools! the thing is you maybe studying whatever it is your banging on about but the truth is people are people and people are different, I don't really mix with many working girls because of being busy with life and so on but I did do a brief spell working for a couple of agencies when I first started out and whilst doing so I met a couple of ladies I ended up being friends with and they were both married to guys who knew what they did and were both in happy relationships, both guys were lovely, had their own careers and so on, and as for being disrespectful towards their wives because of their job's I never saw any of that going on, you maybe need to educate yourself a little further, just saying.
-
I wouldn't tell a date that I was a part time escort its not his buisness I hardly know him yet.
It wouldn't be something I'd divulged to anyone it's too private .
If I got into a love affair again I still wouldn't tell its my choice I don't care if I'm lying to them.
I've been lied to by so many men and cheated on that is part of the reason I started escorting I like sex but I don't trust men at all. I've been shifted on and used .I wont trust anymore.
The clients get a service they pay they leave I owe them nothing but a service.
-
And using those terms is extreme?
They are not derogatory but explanatory terms, like calling someone
'ignorant'- again not derogatory but a term used to describe
someone's ignorance of something. I am ignorant
of physics and gardening, is it derogatory to point that out?
People do live in denial about some things, that is
just a fact, and facts don't care about your feelings.
No malice intended. X
You are coming across as extremely arrogant and your adversarial approach is really not going to support anyone here. And that's the purpose of this forum - for sex workers to support each other.
Blithely telling all of us in happy LTRs/marriages that our significant others must be deviant and not "real men" (how do lesbian relationships fit into your opinion BTW?) is just LOL-worthy to the extreme.
Just my opinion there for you, lovingly presented without reference to my qualifications.
-
I do feel really sorry for you that you're so negative about your chosen career in sex work that you have a deep-seated belief that no "decent" man could ever want you. Maybe start a new thread about that, or where you can find a non-judgmental therapist to help you work through your cognitive dissonance around your profession.
-
This isn't my profession, it's a job as a means to
an end whilst I studied for my chosen profession.
I'm not negative at all, I merely speak straightforward
about what I've learnt through observation, research
and studying.
In reference to the other poster about lesbians, I don't
think anything about them. I'be no prejudice towards
any group regardless of sex, race, gender or ethnicity.
Asking me to see a therapist is preaching to the choir,
I have a very good idea of what constitutes a healthy relationship.
And I'm not telling anyone how they should conduct
their relationships, just offered my thoughts and
opinions that's all.
No idea is above scrutiny, criticism or debate.
And it's not thinking I'm undeserving of a mans love,
it's about recognising that I would not bring a man
into my world if my world is not one of authentic truth
as I'm fully aware of the implications.
-
You're correct this is a support forum and I fully
support other escorts in their work. But don't ask me
to comfort others with lies, because that does
everyone an injustice.
-
And with that Anna, you're going to step away from this thread. You can play the martyr all you like and I have no doubt you will, but you have patronised and insulted other members for long enough, you won't listen to anybody who not only says but can prove you're wrong and it's just going round in circles. The OP has a right for her perfectly valid topic not to be derailed and also for it to be able to continue without me having to lock it.
Move on to a different topic, please - that isn't a hint. Maybe spend some time working out what the problem is with your Return key?
-
Playing martyr??? That's bizarre. Do you know
what a martyr is? But yes I will step away now
and make my way to Gulag 13 for the crime of
speaking ones mind and having the 'wrong' opinions 👍
-
Oh, do fuck off.
Back on topic now, I think :)
-
There IS a right and a wrong way to conduct relationships.
I like chocolate ice cream but to everyone who prefers those pale vainilla scoops there's something wrong with you guys. Just letting you know.On the other hand making a living from an activity that turns you into something you despise sooo much that you don't believe you deserve to be loved or respected by a man must be awful for her self-esteem. Let's say I'm glad to sorround myself with people who love and respect me and glad not to be on her shoes.
I'll leave it like that. ;)
-
Yes, please do leave it now. The poster will not be on this thread again and therefore isn't a position to respond, and enough time has been wasted already on silly drumbanging already. No more feeding the trolls.