SAAFE forum
General Category => Questions and Answers => Topic started by: suzie90 on 14 June 2015, 10:42:27 pm
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Hi all,
My first post. I've been reading posts on here for ages, and it seems like a great community. Apologies that my first post is so dramatic!
Basically, my mum and my sister just found out I'm an escort. I won't go into huge detail- it will take ages to explain. But basically, I put in an offer to buy a flat. I have registered as self-employed, hired an accountant and so all my finances are legit (no worries there!). But my mum thinks I am still dog-walking for a living, which is obviously very low pay. The estate agent sent my sister an email saying that I've put in an offer to buy a house (which is true) for 250k (I would need a mortgage, but have enough saved up for a substantial deposit). God knows how they got my sisters email address...
She confronted me and asked how the hell can I afford to buy a flat on a minimum wage job! I am not very good at lying, got all flustered and started to stutter.
I am 25 years old. When I was 17 I became an escort for about 6 months, and my mum and sister knew about this. However, this was in the past. Buried. I re-kindled escorting about 10 months ago, without their knowledge. Obviously, after finding out about my offer on the flat, they put two and two together and concluded I was escorting again! I simply broke down in tears and confessed. I actually enjoy the job, and it has made me feel very empowered. Plus it has provided me with finances that I could only dream about in a normal 9-5 job! I love the freedom it offers. So my tears were not because I am saddened at being an escort- quite the opposite in fact.
My tears were because I know they will never understand my reasons. I am an intelligent person, I have a degree in Chemical and Molecular Biology. I am not a waster. I have drive and ambition. But their looks were of pure disgust.
My mum in quite bigoted, and will never accept it. My sister and I don't get along, so she is revelling in this new revelation.
Please, I feel really depressed and anxious. I don't know what to do.
I have considered cutting all ties with my family for a while now. I really dislike them. They are all very close-minded, and are the kinds of people who adhere stricty to the rules of society. I am more of a free spirit, and view life as transitory and therefore must be lived to it's full potential. And if that means becoming an escort, so be it.
Thanks for listening. The question is this: shall I cut them off completely? Does anybody else have similar experiences, and are willing to share?
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No. don't cut them off for escorting. They'll come round.
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Can I ask- have you 'come out' to your family?
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Just let them see you've not changed, even if your job has. Your sis could be jealous of what you can now afford that she can't.
Don't change and see how things go, but don't let them blackmail you for money or make you feel guilty. Hold your head up and take it a day at a time.
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I'd put bit of distance for now, until they'll get their heads around it. This way they'll come up to some conclusion (hopefully a good one) and you'll feel smaller pressure and guilt (by reducing contact with them).
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I would cut ties with them for a while (mainly for your mental sanity). You need to distance yourself a little bit till you can regain your calm and be able to think more straight with a cold head. You don't have a cold head right now (because you're very upset and its understandable).Before you cut ties just let them know you love them and that they're welcome on your life as long they don't intend to make you feel miserable. Then cut ties. This will give everyone some solace and time to think. If they love you eventually they'll come around. If not..there's not much you can do about it.
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I wouldn't cut them off completely, I think you would regret that in years to come. I would however get yourself the space you need. It does sound like your sister is jealous & does sound like she's coming at you from an angle that is a little spiteful. Is she happy in her life I wonder?
Although I would certainly try to talk to your mother without your sister interfering, when you are ready. I'm sure in this case time will be a healer, but watch out for the green eyed monster in your sister. Secretly she could be wishing she could do the same but she will probably never admit that to you! Sisters can be the worst! I have a sister & a twin sister too and they know the exact buttons to press to make things worst when they're upset (or jealous or both)
Try to stay calm and take some time for yourself to recover from the upset of it all. Often these things blow over. Take care and let us know how it goes. They don't have the right to judge you that's all I can say. You're obviously an intelligent lady and you decided to do this and you are happy doing this. Don't let anyone bring you down. Not even family. Stay strong :-) X
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I think the problem many anti-sex-workers have is they do not separate the person from the job. Show them it is just a job to you, just like dog walking or chemistry are just jobs and do not define you as a person. This forum is a fine example of how intelligent, assertive and driven we sex workers are and do not fit the stereotype of scared, abused and timid women! Maybe send them some links to articles which demonstrate this?
I would let them cool off for a while. Do not go anywhere because that will make you think you are ashamed of what you do, which by the sounds of it, you aren't. And you shouldn't be.
The way that I see it is: be proud, you saw a business opportunity and you took it. Ok, so not quite so conventional as a 9-5 office number, but hey, it pays the bills and more!
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In my personal opinion, just because it's your family doesn't mean you should stick around if you feel they treat you wrong. If it's a single incident of disagreeing with your life choices, cutting ties might be a bit drastic however.
I cut off my more bigoted (homophobic, possibly transphobic and definitely whorephobic individuals) relatives, which I couldn't bear to interact with due to their attitude and personal views. It's been a few years now and I'm much happier without random prying phone calls, toxic statements and other stress factors that my family contributed. It's hard to say if this applies here, but if your family is making you miserable you have no obligations to put up with it just because "it's family". Eff that.
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I just went through something similar myself recently. My parents found out about a week and it's a horrible situation to be in.
I agree with everyone who has said that you should give some distance to them at the moment. You sound upset and not level headed. When you less flustered, I would recommend sitting down with your mum and sister and talking to them about it. It's terrifying but you need to be assertive (not aggressive) and explain how you enjoy your job (emphasise that that's what it is), and that you will carry on escorting with or without their support. Remember that family should love you unconditionally and if they can't because of the escorting, that reflects their faults, not yours. If they are going to loose their daughter/sister because of their rigid views, that's their loss.
I don't know if this is any consolation, but by the sounds of it, you are doing great in life without them. You aren't stupid. You have a business that you enjoy, pays well and gives you all the freedom you could want. You are saving your money and investing it. You are looking to get a mortgage when most people in the twenties couldn't dream of it! I can't say if you should cut them out of your life (it sounds like they are doing that for you), but there is always the chance that they will come around and accept you. If they don't, don't chase them and don't accept any shaming behaviour.
Have a look through the 'Telling the parents' thread for more advice.
You will get through get through this. Remember that you are living your own life and that it's YOUR happiness that matters, not theirs.
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I know they say blood is thicker than water, but on the other hand - you can't choose your relatives! My sister and I had a terrible relationship, largely linked to her mental health problems, but I soon realised nothing I could do would work, so I just left her to it. We had plenty of bad moments, but some good ones too.
I'd concur with the others - keep your distance for a bit, but don't do anything drastic.
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Hi all,
My first post. I've been reading posts on here for ages, and it seems like a great community. Apologies that my first post is so dramatic!
Basically, my mum and my sister just found out I'm an escort. I won't go into huge detail- it will take ages to explain. But basically, I put in an offer to buy a flat. I have registered as self-employed, hired an accountant and so all my finances are legit (no worries there!). But my mum thinks I am still dog-walking for a living, which is obviously very low pay. The estate agent sent my sister an email saying that I've put in an offer to buy a house (which is true) for 250k (I would need a mortgage, but have enough saved up for a substantial deposit). God knows how they got my sisters email address...
She confronted me and asked how the hell can I afford to buy a flat on a minimum wage job! I am not very good at lying, got all flustered and started to stutter.
I am 25 years old. When I was 17 I became an escort for about 6 months, and my mum and sister knew about this. However, this was in the past. Buried. I re-kindled escorting about 10 months ago, without their knowledge. Obviously, after finding out about my offer on the flat, they put two and two together and concluded I was escorting again! I simply broke down in tears and confessed. I actually enjoy the job, and it has made me feel very empowered. Plus it has provided me with finances that I could only dream about in a normal 9-5 job! I love the freedom it offers. So my tears were not because I am saddened at being an escort- quite the opposite in fact.
My tears were because I know they will never understand my reasons. I am an intelligent person, I have a degree in Chemical and Molecular Biology. I am not a waster. I have drive and ambition. But their looks were of pure disgust.
My mum in quite bigoted, and will never accept it. My sister and I don't get along, so she is revelling in this new revelation.
Please, I feel really depressed and anxious. I don't know what to do.
I have considered cutting all ties with my family for a while now. I really dislike them. They are all very close-minded, and are the kinds of people who adhere stricty to the rules of society. I am more of a free spirit, and view life as transitory and therefore must be lived to it's full potential. And if that means becoming an escort, so be it.
Thanks for listening. The question is this: shall I cut them off completely? Does anybody else have similar experiences, and are willing to share?
When my mum found out she was horrified we didn't talk for a few months. Then out of the blue my phone rang it was her. We only have one family give it time it is drastic to cut them off. But bear in mind when retire from escorting with no family after cutting off. You don't want to regret so be careful have a good hard think.
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Do you have any family you feel may be understanding that you could tell? Like a cousin or auntie perhaps. I'm saying this because my parents, one of my sisters and a cousin (who is like a sister) have always known about me being an escort, and then recently my older sister found out (by having a slight suspicion due to me buying a nice car and then spending hours online looking for evidence of me escorting) and has since been busy outing me to everyone in the family. My parents are putting up with lots of crap from relatives who've barely ever had anything to do with me voicing their unasked for opinions, but the fact they're standing up for me and telling them to bugger off is a massive support. I'm guessing you feel very alone, so it helps to have someone fighting your corner. Keep strong, and whatever you do don't be apologetic about your choice to be an escort. If you keep holding your head up proud then they'll see it's them with the issue. Put it back on them, ask what it is that they dislike so much about it, and maybe they'll realise it's not all that bad when they've verbalised it. Of course not everyone is able to come around to the idea of a loved one working as an escort, but give it a go before making any definite decisions about how to move forward :-*
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Suzie90 I do feel for you ???
If I were you I would at least give them some breathing space and don't talk to them for a few months. You never know they may mellow a little.
A tough one however as like you I too am a free spirit and do not endlessly subscribe to the conventional norms that abound in society.
Good luck.
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So sorry about this Suzie.
No I would not cut off ties but I would put some distance between us leaving the doors of communication open, give your mother time to settle down and think about things. Maybe just say to her, yes this is what you are doing, you are safe and happy and that you have no plans to quite any time soon and that you love her and will always be there for her and that she can contact you when she is ready. As for your sister, flip her the bird and tell her to rotate on it. As for the estate agent, I would contact her manager and make a complaint and withdraw your offer and find another estate agent.
It is true what we say that when we grow up and become adults the people we actually call family are those we end up surrounding ourselves with in life. Unless you have a really fucked up family your mom will come around as for your sister it is just plain jealousy at the end of the day and let her carry on and let her revel in it at the end of the day you are doing what is making you happy, you can not make others happy with you being miserable.
Take a deep breath and think what is best for you.
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And if they ask you for money , loans , help say no
If your job isn't good enough for them thrm neither is your money
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And if they ask you for money , loans , help say no
If your job isn't good enough for them thrm neither is your money
Ahem sister!!
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Thank you everyone for all this advice! I really appreciate it.
I think the general consensus it give it a few months, and let things settle. That's definitely the best idea. My mum is still angry, and I am still upset, so trying to discuss anything at the moment will be pointless, and probably end in tears.
I also like the idea of giving my mum some information about escorting- perhaps even directing her to this website, so she can read the posts and know that it's not 'seedy'. We are all doing this by choice, to give ourselves financial freedom. And we are all just ordinary women! There's nothing wrong with us. Many of the posts are intelligent, funny and astute. I might text her the link, and then leave for a few months.
The 'coming out to the parents' post is actually really helpful. It's comforting to know other people are going through similar experiences. Sometimes this job makes you feel so alone, like you are the only person in the world who feels totally and unfairly ostracised!
Thanks all
xx
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Thank you everyone for all this advice! I really appreciate it.
I think the general consensus it give it a few months, and let things settle. That's definitely the best idea. My mum is still angry, and I am still upset, so trying to discuss anything at the moment will be pointless, and probably end in tears.
I also like the idea of giving my mum some information about escorting- perhaps even directing her to this website, so she can read the posts and know that it's not 'seedy'. We are all doing this by choice, to give ourselves financial freedom. And we are all just ordinary women! There's nothing wrong with us. Many of the posts are intelligent, funny and astute. I might text her the link, and then leave for a few months.
The 'coming out to the parents' post is actually really helpful. It's comforting to know other people are going through similar experiences. Sometimes this job makes you feel so alone, like you are the only person in the world who feels totally and unfairly ostracised!
Thanks all
xx
Suzie, I'm not sure giving mum a link to this website is a good idea honestly. I can't imagine my mum going through some of the threads (grossest thing that's ever happened to you, the stalkers, the numerous threads on dangerous clients etc...). From an insiders point of view all this stuff we share here is pretty "normal" but from an outsiders can be quite uncomfortable to read. Imagine a regular forum punter getting busted and directing his wife to a punternet forum (or whatever) so she can see his posts regarding his failed marriage and how "normal" his hobbie is. And I'm not criticizing saafe or anything (god forbid!), I believe it's a VERY necessary forum and I'm soooooooooooo glad it exists. But for a civvie who has nothing to do with the industry it's hard to read.
What I tell my friends (and regulars) is that I belong to an internet escort network were everybody shares information on clients, or updates, news on dangerous clients and that everytime I get a new client I just look up his number/address on the "network". End off. If my civvie friends ask me for the name of the forum I just say: "Oh, it's private, only for sex workers". They don't need to know my rants, the "gross" details lol!
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just wanted to ad my support Suzie..i hope they come round.i was outed to my mum and sister maliciously when i had just started.I too have a degree etc but love this type of work for the reasons you describe.
My sis and mum got used to the idea pretty quickly,and i had a heart to heart chat with my mum about how careful i am to pick clients and how rewarding i find the job.She was mostly worried about my safety.
I really hope you dont have to cut them out,but if they wont accept you and your choices then they dont deserve you either x
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That sucks. Try to focus on the positives, no more lyeing, a nice sexy house :), your still young and probabley beautiful lol.
Elders do tend to be biggoted so sometimes we have to give them A LOT of time. It is hard to not to stamp your feet at everyone who doesn't understand. I know I did and still do get mad at people who can't wrap their head around sex for money. Like what the fuck is the big deal you know just chill. < I'm like you... HIppy dippy on all kinds of subjects. You know it's much more innocent than folk like to lead on, they think your trying to be rebelious and dramatic when it is in fact the opposite, your just trying to be chill & sensible.
I was unvolentarly outed. Some folk are open minded some arn't. Obviousley I vibe with open minded folk and it's frustrating when loved ones just... arn't. I was pretty naive over how open minded everyone else is tbh. And i've not managed to sway people even after being super down to earth and frank and educational on the topic in intense detail. Win some loose some, but the fact that they are disapointed just goes to show they care about you in (As weird as that sentance sounds)
Don't cut out loved ones unless they are going to make your life hell. Your paniced and embarressed. The natural response is to ostritch in the sand. Give them time, talk to them if you need to. This industry is just so much more innocent than folk think.
Turn this around and think of you. Are you happy in your job : you have said YES.
Are you earning a good income: The house would suggest YES
Are you happy to continue your job: YES
Is the support of your familey a MUST or can you agree to disagree? : Up to you but by the sounds of things, the love will still be there and sometimes that's what we have to settle with. Which sucks don't get me wrong.
Unfortunatley we can't satisfy everyone in this job.
I hope your ok. Have a cuddle, take out some frustration, take a bath but try your hardest not to hold a grudge for too long over the fact they can't comprehend your job because it'll fuck with your income and mind. Focus on your nice new house and the ones who can whole heartedly support you and your job. As others have been saying, stay your happy unique self and they will soon see your not the she devil of sex work.
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Lets put it this way too.
If society said that people who ate oranges were scum. what do you think most people would think. That orange eaters are scum.
Nurses deal with grosser things in their dailey life so it's not like it's about how gross our job is. Imoral doesn't really come into it. It has it's faux pas but overall we're in our own way a helpful service.
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Felt so sad reading your post there!! I feel the same. While my friends and family don't officially know, I think they secretly suspect it. I have a degree also and they would never understand me choosing this job over a 'normal' job.
I rarely even here from my own mother. Because I feel that nobody will understand my choice I have isolated myself from most people around me. It's quite a lonely life at time, I really need to make some escort friends!
:D
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Well I have a degree too I don't see it makes any difference whether we are educated or not it is down to our personal situation.
I have no help raising my son no help from ex and no family whatsoever even at Xmas so I am down to doing the whole lot. As I only have until 3 or 4 pm what else is there to do! No other job would pay enough to keep afloat.
I used to think about qualifications and my CV in the beginning but I don't any more.
If I did have family I guess I would eventually have told them, you stick to your guns....!
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Hi
My mum was upset and angry when I was outed and I know how you feel, caught between being being proud of what I have achieved (like you making enough money to buy a house!) and also feeling shit because it's horrible seeing your mum upset and angry...
It took mine a long time to come round, and she never really did until I got another job and she thinks I have given up escorting. I choose to let her think that because everything is really good between us again. It's easier because we don't live nearby so she can't keep an eye on my movements!
Anyway, despite her anger and disgust she told me that at the end of the day I was still her daughter and she missed me during the times we weren't speaking. I'm sure most mums will feel that.
As everyone has said give it time. I'm sure you'll miss your mum (and sister maybe) in time and cutting people off is so drastic and painful.
I hope it all works out for you.
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I don't think it has anything to do with age. I was still whoring in my sixties BUT like mentioned, I am very open minded.
Without wanting to sound too rude, I think it is usually down to ignorance re the business. The more you know about it the easier it is to accept.
Two of my children are in their 40's and the other two are in their 30's and through lack of knowledge I think they would be shocked had they known what mommy dearest had been up to and how she earned her wages.