Hi there,
About a year ago I fell very hard for a client (something I said I would never do, ug!) and we started dating. I retired in January, he stopped seeing escorts, and everything was going well.
A little history on him- he had been married for over a decade, never cheated on her, and was monogamous until she left him about a year before we started dating. He then began seeing escorts, and saw many over only a short few months (I'd say 30-50). He is still dealing with the divorce- it has been very nasty, drawn out, and stressful.
I found out in July that he had seen 2 escorts while on a business trip the week before. I found this out while going through the e-mail on his phone. He was having me look for an email he sent me, so I was not on his phone without his permission. I found the e-mails scheduling the 2 ladies in his sent folder, although they had been deleted from his inbox, and trash folder. He also had no calls or texts saved. During this time period I hadn't seen him in a couple weeks (me visiting family, then he took his kids to a camp) and it was one of the most stressful times of the divorce that we had experienced. Not that this excuses his behaviour.. but I attribute these as contributing factors.
I am open to having threesomes etc. I have never been uptight about guys watching porn, being attracted to other women, masturbating, wanting to experience new things etc. Maybe a reason I enjoyed escorting so much... But I do have a problem with lying.
After I found the e-mails I decided to wait for him to bring it up. I would tell him it was understandable, no worries, I'm not in the least upset, and that next time he was having those feelings to just bring it up and we would deal with it together. Well, he never brought it up. So about a month later I told him that I had checked my escort e-mail and found an old reference request from one of those girls. (believable because girls here in the US seek multiple references, sometimes ones the client doesn't even provide if they see that another girl has looked him up on a verification site etc). He then got VERY upset that I had checked that e-mail, thought the whole thing sounded like a lie, felt like I had my 'underworld connections' spying on him, denied ever being with anyone else, etc etc.
Since then I have looked at his e-mail several times. I usually trust him, but then have moments where I doubt everything. He slept with dozens of escorts, how could he give it up?
A week ago I found 3 more e-mails, one trying to get verified from a girl, one trying to schedule a rendezvous for an upcoming trip we are taking (I assume this is for us, not him), and one from an agency telling him he has been verified. I again told him I had checked my e-mail and that a friend (I had a pretty extensive network in town) told me he was using his P411 account again (US verification site). Again, huge blow up fight similar to the last.
We made up yesterday. We had sex last night. Dirty talk consisted of him wanting me to say he could choose an escort and bring her home for us. He said he wanted to find a girl for our upcoming trip. (This is not uncommon, we incorporate things that that from time to time). This morning I told him I was serious when I said those things, and asked him who he had in mind for our trip. He said he hadn't started looking yet.
This morning again there was an e-mail from the first girl trying to verify him. She has tried 3 of his references and cannot get him verified. He responded giving her another girl.
Should I bring it up again? Should I wait to see if he cheats on me then break up with him? God if I could just stop checking his e-mail I would have no idea this was going on. I am driving myself crazy. But at the same time, I would never want to be in a relationship where he is cheating/lying and not know about it. I am worried instead of stopping he will just get better at hiding it...
Can a man who has experienced having whomever he wants, sexual variety, and the excitement of doing something illicit ever give it up? Divorce should be final within 60 days or so- is this from stress?
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before. I adore his kids and parents. I have been very happy with our relationship (minus the anxiety attacks I am giving myself over this).
Obviously my first problem was getting involved with him. Not so smart to get involved with a client. I cannot change that now though. HELP!