No premeditated GBH charge for me.

If that's what you're hoping, maybe stop posting about your carefully planned intention to do this on a public forum? Unless 'premeditated' has changed definition since the last time I looked.

And for the record, in the situation you describe the only person likely to be getting a scalding is you. All anybody would have to do would be kick the bottom of the kettle up as soon as you picked it up and this is all starting to get silly now - it isn't a film, and it's no help to the OP or anybody else (apart from possibly somebody who might be thinking about robbing one of us and now knows to check for kettles first).

Time to move on, please.

Il say again the kettle is a last resort for me. It’s not a case of ‘do you do owo?’ WHOOOSH. As much as I’d love to

This made me laugh  hahaha