Hi there,

About a year ago I fell very hard for a client (something I said I would never do, ug!) and we started dating. I retired in January, he stopped seeing escorts, and everything was going well.

A little history on him- he had been married for over a decade, never cheated on her, and was monogamous until she left him about a year before we started dating. He then began seeing escorts, and saw many over only a short few months (I'd say 30-50). He is still dealing with the divorce- it has been very nasty, drawn out, and stressful.

I found out in July that he had seen 2 escorts while on a business trip the week before. I found this out while going through the e-mail on his phone. He was having me look for an email he sent me, so I was not on his phone without his permission. I found the e-mails scheduling the 2 ladies in his sent folder, although they had been deleted from his inbox, and trash folder. He also had no calls or texts saved. During this time period I hadn't seen him in a couple weeks (me visiting family, then he took his kids to a camp) and it was one of the most stressful times of the divorce that we had experienced. Not that this excuses his behaviour.. but I attribute these as contributing factors.

I am open to having threesomes etc. I have never been uptight about guys watching porn, being attracted to other women, masturbating, wanting to experience new things etc. Maybe a reason I enjoyed escorting so much... But I do have a problem with lying.

After I found the e-mails I decided to wait for him to bring it up. I would tell him it was understandable, no worries, I'm not in the least upset, and that next time he was having those feelings to just bring it up and we would deal with it together. Well, he never brought it up. So about a month later I told him that I had checked my escort e-mail and found an old reference request from one of those girls. (believable because girls here in the US seek multiple references, sometimes ones the client doesn't even provide if they see that another girl has looked him up on a verification site etc). He then got VERY upset that I had checked that e-mail, thought the whole thing sounded like a lie, felt like I had my 'underworld connections' spying on him, denied ever being with anyone else, etc etc.

Since then I have looked at his e-mail several times. I usually trust him, but then have moments where I doubt everything. He slept with dozens of escorts, how could he give it up?

A week ago I found 3 more e-mails, one trying to get verified from a girl, one trying to schedule a rendezvous for an upcoming trip we are taking (I assume this is for us, not him), and one from an agency telling him he has been verified. I again told him I had checked my e-mail and that a friend (I had a pretty extensive network in town) told me he was using his P411 account again (US verification site). Again, huge blow up fight similar to the last.

We made up yesterday. We had sex last night. Dirty talk consisted of him wanting me to say he could choose an escort and bring her home for us. He said he wanted to find a girl for our upcoming trip. (This is not uncommon, we incorporate things that that from time to time). This morning I told him I was serious when I said those things, and asked him who he had in mind for our trip. He said he hadn't started looking yet.

This morning again there was an e-mail from the first girl trying to verify him. She has tried 3 of his references and cannot get him verified. He responded giving her another girl.

Should I bring it up again? Should I wait to see if he cheats on me then break up with him? God if I could just stop checking his e-mail I would have no idea this was going on. I am driving myself crazy. But at the same time, I would never want to be in a relationship where he is cheating/lying and not know about it. I am worried instead of stopping he will just get better at hiding it...

Can a man who has experienced having whomever he wants, sexual variety, and the excitement of doing something illicit ever give it up? Divorce should be final within 60 days or so- is this from stress?

I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before. I adore his kids and parents. I have been very happy with our relationship (minus the anxiety attacks I am giving myself over this).

Obviously my first problem was getting involved with him. Not so smart to get involved with a client. I cannot change that now though. HELP!

Tinker I've heard this same story over and over from wg's as (unfortunately) it seems to be a very common one in the industry: girl falls for client, girls leaves everything for client, girl finds out he's seeing other wg's.

But at the same time, I would never want to be in a relationship where he is cheating/lying and not know about it.

As i read your letter all I could hear from you is denial-denial-denial. You need to face your own reality:  He's lying and cheating on you. Why are you so afraid of confronting him? Of course he's going to deny it and say that he was just er.."fishing around but had no intention to go ahead with the bookings". You and I know this is not true. Yes, he's cheating on you and very possibly he was cheating on his wife. Remember that when you're hearing about his divorce "story" you're only hearing one side of the story. You say he started seeing escorts right after his divorce, how do you know this is true? The guy has proven to be a liar.

Can a man who has experienced having whomever he wants, sexual variety, and the excitement of doing something illicit ever give it up

Yes he can, but this one hasn't.

Divorce should be final within 60 days or so- is this from stress?

maybe his divorce is stressing him out and he needs sex to "throw out some steam" but he's lying and cheating on you and that's what matters.

It's good to vent out, post this stuff and take it out of your system but what you need to do is sit down with this guy ad tell him about your findings (you don't have to tell him you were sneaking in his phone/e-mails just say you have "insider information" end off. This is  very important because if he know you were sneaking his phone/e-mails he will hide them from you and you won't know if he's cheating on the months to follow. If after the conversation he continues to cheat then you'll have to be honest with yourself and face the fact that this relationship is not working for you as it sounds that being in a committed relationship is what you want. Besides, like green carnation sez you're going to be all stressed out every time he goes on business trips. Not a wonderful feeling.

Other solution is turn a blind eye to his cheating, enjoy it "as is" and stop having those anxiety attacks. Wives have been doing it for centuries.

I'd actually do the opposite, instead of beating around the bush I'd come right out with it and say look I know because I saw the emails when I was in your account with your permission.

I've been in the same situation but it wasn't him punting, it was doing things like meeting up with his ex-wife socially pretending to be happy families whilst telling me he was visiting some mutual business friends of ours. I was suspicious(could hear it in his voice) and he'd said I could read his emails whenever I liked, that I could look at anything on his laptop. So I had a quick look and it was all there.

My mistake was letting it fester, and fester, then trying to be smart about it. It tore us apart when actually talking about it up front would have possibly have lead to a massive heart to heart and resolution of the issue.

It does not matter now what he does.  You will never be able to trust him again regardless of what he says.  You know he has been trying to see escorts.  You have seen the proof.  You need to decide if you are happy being with a man who has little regard for your feelings.  Its not about escorts anymore
It is about him being able to lie and deceive you so easily.  Persoanlly if you are happy being with a man that does not give a damn about your eotional well being, who does not think you needs to be honest to you then that is fine.
However if you want a man you can trust, who you know puts you first, who cares about your feelings and who you wont forever be wondering what else he is lying about then run and run quickly.

Someone who can happily cheat will probably always cheat but that is by and by.  The point of this is he is someone who is happy to lie to you and deceive you and that is where the problem lies.  A man like that has no respect for you.

Threads exactly the same as this appear quite a lot on here and they pretty much read the same.  Women meets client, falls in love, quits working and loses all her regulars, then finds out partner is still happily seeing escorts, woman ends up alone with no client base and no income and a broken heart

You say he never cheated on his wife, that is what he is telling you.  Most men dont part with their wives and suddenly start seeing dozens of escorts in a short time.  Most divorces only turn nasty if one of them has cheated as a mutual divorce is normally easy and as painless as a divorce can be.

I would never get involved with a client no matter how gorgeous or how nice he was as for me the risks are too high.

Timker It's obvious (for me at least) that this guy loves you as he wouldn't have moved in with you and introduced you to his kids and the parents as his partner (huuuge thing for a guy to do). The problem here is that this guy has some serious issues that he's not willing to confront/admit. A bit of a Dr Jekyll-mr hyde type (the loving man who introduces you to his family on one hand and the asshole who cheats and lies to you). The fact that he went ballistic when you confronted him about his cheating (instead of going "Ok, let;s sit and talk about this")  tells you he's not willing to confront his issues. i don't see having an open heart conversation with this guy. Sounds like he needs therapy (or maybe he's just your typical hypocrite who want's "his cake and eat it too" I don't know the guy)

On the other hand people who just come out of a very long (and messy) relationship are usually not "relationship material" because they're an emotional mess and need time to heal. So they  fall into rebound relationships in order to distract them from dealing with lingering emotional ties, emotional pain etc.. and attain some closure. Doesn't sound to me like he's ready to settle and form a healthy committed attachment with a new partner yet. he has too much going on in his head.

You have a very rocky road ahead with this guy. Maybe you're ready to settle, sounds like he's not and you're  playing the role of Miss rebound (hope I'm wrong). i would take this relationship with a huuuge pinch of salt if i were you.

I agree with ladychannel and ana, you should tell him you're returning to work and if he has a problem with it, tough! It sounds as though he's really manipulated you and tried to control you by letting you quit work. I'd be up front and tell him you know all about his cheating, personally I wouldn't tell him how I know, let him worry a bit! You could have a private detective or escort friends informing you for all he knows!

I love the line, he never cheated in his wife. What the fuck is he doing with you then? Sweetie, run and run fast. He sees you as sex on tap. And when he isn't with you he will get thirsty and find another tap to drink from. You are wasting time, money, and emotional energy, that you can better spend on yourself. NO MAN, not one is worth you losing your sanity and income over. Men will come and go, but property and savings are not so easy to replace.

Plus I would love to get his wife's perspective on things.

True I agree with VioletteUK.