I find myself in a bit of a work crisis. After 6 months of upheaval in my personal life, illness within the family, a bereavement, troublesome elderly relative, a tense and difficult relationship to work out with an ex partner (we have children so it had to be sorted out not just ignored as most ex partners can be). I have come through to the other end of it all intact. Throughout everything that happened I managed to work perfectly fine. I scaled back working hours yes but worked nonetheless. In today's financial climate, the luxury of not working is unobtainable - the major plus side of this job is you can scale back working hours and still get by due to the fee we charge if you are imaginative about how you spread your money out.

For the last three weeks, all issues within my personal life have been resolved. So you would imagine I am feeling absolutely okay to work again - but I seem to be suffering from a debilitating lack of confidence. This is causing me to break bookings and simply not turn on my phone unless I feel I absolutely have to and then I shy away from actually picking up a call unless it is a client I know and I know exactly how the booking is going to go. Similarly, in my personal life, I shy away from people unless I know them exceedingly well and I can control how long I see them for, so, say, I will go to my friend's house for a cup of coffee for half an hour then feel the need to get the heck out and be alone. Other friends I have not seen for going on three months because I am choosing to remain alone rather than go out.
This both can not go on and is disturbing me.
I feel as if I look 10 years older than I am due to the sleepless nights, the worry and the upset. I have put on about a stone in weight which I am very conscious about. I feel quiet, not my usual up self, as if I just wish to be quiet all the time, I feel no need to make conversation with anybody and my own company seems preferable to anybody elses'. I would not say I am depressed at all. I do not feel depression. I am not down in the dumps, I am just solitary and can't seem to take that deep breath and put a foot back into the big world.
I can not afford to go on this way. I am cross with myself and recognise the need to 'pull myself together' only I do not feel pulled apart, I feel solitary, quiet and still. I can't find the words to describe it, I am aware it sounds on paper like I am suffering from depression. I do not feel I am suffering or depressed in any way at all.
I have absolutely no idea how to pull myself back up to the place where seeing clients is not easy but doable and part of my daily life. Where conversation is nice and where I am equipped to meet, greet and chat to, deal with starangers.
I will shortly become very entrenched in money problems if I do not get myself sorted out so am posting on here to see if anybody has any ideas at all as to how you go about getting back a bit of self confidence? Is it a case of jumping in with both feet? That that is the only way to go on this? Like jumping into a pool at the deep end - you just have to do it? I imagine how I look is not as bad as I think I look. For some reason I am seeing clients as better than me I do not know why that is, I never struggled with this before. I imagine they are disappointed upon arriving here and polite or desperate for sex so they go through with it which is both ridiculous and silly. But in my mind all the same.
I realise thatafter a tough time one sometimes struggles to get a footing again but for me, this solitary life is all new, I have never felt the need before to exist all on my own and shun everybody else. I have no idea how to manage this situation.
Any suggestions will be helpful, I don;t need sympathy at all, I am just looking perhaps for pointers as everybody on here does the same job as I do and little doubt we all suffer at some point or other from a confidence crisis.
x 

Like Ruby said, I think it could just be a very natural human need for stillness/a pause in life, especially after all that trauma. It can often take our brains a long while to sort through things at their own pace, no matter how determined we are to be Over It and Moving On etc.

From what I've learned through dealing with various things with the help of some amazing people, the first rule is not to force yourself. Even if it were depression, often negative feelings are just something that we need to allow. And I'm really glad to hear you aren't depressed but I think your feelings now also probably just need to be allowed to happen, too! They are valid and important and your body/mind are telling you what they need.

Of course, work is work and running out of money is not an advisable option for most of us, unfortunately. Can you keep on working minimally for a while longer? I'd expect that you've already done uber-budgeting better than I ever could, but is there any leeway for you at all?

Also, focusing on regulars can be a good thing! They're the ones who've come back to see you because they like you so much, after all. This job's terrible for self-esteem at the best of times, one minute a client's writing a poem about your bum, next minute you get one who barely speaks two words to you throughout his entire two hour appointment. Do you have some great friends who make you feel good about yourself when you spend time with them? Because maybe the confidence bit is key here, especially if you only need to manage a few extra bookings a week to tide you over while you take a little time to re-centre yourself (excuse the cheesy phrase). And I normally hate this advice (it's really NOT useful sometimes) but for confidence, I do think exercise can give a good boost. Are there sports or fitness things that you enjoy?

Most of all, I'm sending Internet-hugs and best wishes, too - I know you'll get through this patch and will end up doing even better than ever in the end!

Thank you for your responses. I really wouldn't class myself as depressed but can see how it can take on many forms. I wouldn't wish to mess up a shrinks mind by treating him/her to my mind    It works in a very mysterious manner which is hard to fathom at the best of times!
I think I agree with Emily here. I think I need to concentrate on regulars for a while longer. Now the shit has hit, passed and cleaned itself up, perhaps this is just a natural lull in myself to recover. Seeing regulars is a very good way of building back up to taking on newbies. I was seeing them throughout the whole mess of last 6 months but then when you are in something up to your neck you kind of survive it, you get on, it is only after it when you think back that you feel it maybe?
It can't do my confidence any harm as my regulars have been regulars for ever (so it seems!) I know them, as far as we do know them in this profession, I know I do not need to perform as such, I know what they like, do not like and what they expect from me. They are undemanding, coffee drinking at the end chaps in short I feel safe enough with them after repeated encounters. Safe enough but not silly safe, I still watch my back! Maybe a couple of weeks will pass here and I will perk up a bit. I am aware that money will become an issue soon, it is not right at this point but I am aware it might get that way if things do not improve. Maybe a couple of weeks of regulars only, rest, walking up the cliffs and perhaps taking out my bike now the weather has broken might be a good idea - it will almost be like a holiday!
I just hate, detest feeling this weak willed, I irritate myself with it.
 

Emma,

You could almost be writing my biography there.

I've gone through something similar recently, and it has caused major upheaval in both my professional and personal working life (and the reason why I'm moving back to London). I've had to cancel weeks at a time of working because I too have needed that 'time out' from life and the everyday routine. I've also noticed my preference to be alone, or just potter about doing my own little thing. In both cases, I've acknowledged that its simply just my way of dealing with everything that's happened. It is making me nervous about going back to work - as I am nervous. I'd initially been concerned that something must be wrong with me, because I couldn't feel like pulling myself together, I just couldn't be bothered - with anything.

It's taken a momentous effort to take that first step - and I've had to really find ways to motivate myself, so I can appreciate how you must be feeling. I've had to have a long talk with myself, set myself goals, reward myself (massage etc.), do things I enjoy and - quite importantly - find an outlet for my feelings. I write in a diary, I see a counsellor (which is ironic as I'm studying Psychology but I have to laugh at myself) - and every day I remind myself of what I'm working for/or working towards. Success is about habit - doing things continuously until they become natural to you.

Don't be so hard on yourself for wanting that time out - your body and your inner self have obviously needed it to regain some kind of equilibrium after all of the instability you've experienced. It's also quite natural for you to turn to other sources of temporary comfort - food, alcohol etc - heck knows I've done the same.

You sound like you're being hard on yourself, as if you're expecting to be perfect all the time - but it's 100% okay to be human. Everything that you're experiencing is almost identical to what I felt, and my heart goes out to you because I know it's not fun being in that void.

If you want to talk about anything at all - PM or email me - I'm happy to be an outlet if you need one

L xx