SAAFE forum
General Category => Questions and Answers => Topic started by: poppy321 on 22 July 2016, 05:42:00 pm
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I would like to know how people have got on after telling female friends about their job. I am really struggling with this as I fear I will be shunned. I am very comfortable with my job but there are some very religious (and just some not so open minded) girls in my social circle who I fear will avoid me if the find out. I am starting to feel very anxious and uneasy in social situations!
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There was a thread about this recently, unfortunately, it pretty much resulted in what you're most worried about. The only people who know what I do are other escorts I've got to know over time, I hate lying but I don't see that my friends would support me in my decisions to do this so I get the feeling of being isolated sometimes.
You could have a look on here and see if there are other women in your area looking to meet socially and then you have a safe social circle where you can be open about what you do?
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You could try opening a general discussion about sex work with your friends to try to gauge their strength of feeling. I would do this one on one though because if someone very vocal starts moralising, others will probably just go along with it.
My sister knows I escort. We are very close and I knew she wouldn't be judgmental.
I don't have many close friends. My closest female friend, I know she would not approve and would probably be anxious for me, so I wouldn't ever tell her.
My closest male (gay) friend, I would tell him if I thought he could keep his mouth shut, but he can't, and we have a lot of mutual friends and ex colleagues, so I haven't said anything to him.
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You could try opening a general discussion about sex work with your friends to try to gauge their strength of feeling. I would do this one on one though because if someone very vocal starts moralising, others will probably just go along with it.
Fab idea!
Out of all my female friends, only three know. One is super open minded and tried to do it herself but found she couldn't handle it, another is a stripper & very open minded and wants to try it, and the third thinks I only do pro domme stuff... not sure how she'd feel the escorting side of it. She's very supportive about pro domme and dancing so I feel she'dbe ok but I don't really want to risk it.
In my opinion, it's a need to know thing. As long as you have at least ONE female friend who knows and supports and understands, thats all that matters. I guess it can be lonely, but it's why making friends with other sex workers is so fab. Nobody will ever ever ever understand what being a sex worker is like until they've done it, no other job compares. I have a lot of male friends who know I do it, but I find men tend to be more open minded anyway. I also associate in very open minded, sex positive circles e.g. people who are in to kink & such like, but again, mostly men.
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I have told both men and women friends, most of whom have been absolutely fine. If someone is going to be judgemental, they'll do it regardless of their gender.
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I have a lot of male friends who know I do it, but I find men tend to be more open minded anyway.
This seems to be the common consensus. Both my male and female friends know, but the men were by far less phased.
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I have told both men and women friends, most of whom have been absolutely fine. If someone is going to be judgemental, they'll do it regardless of their gender.
All my closest friends know bar one and that's only cos she'd worry too much. I have open minded friends and some not so open minded friends. The trick is to see how people view things in general. Do they accept most things or do they have a narrow minded opinion most of the time?
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It really depends on the friends.
Hardly any of my friends accepted it. In fact - my friendship group got hugely judgemental.
I think jealousy was a factor because I went from being broke to having my own flat. I would come over wearing nice clothes and bring drinks/food to parties for everyone - the girls didn't like it for some reason but the guys were cool (very curious haha).
The only one that was happy for me was my closest long time friend - usually those that love you no matter what are supportive.
Its better to be open than keep it a secret. There is enough work pressure without having to live a double life on top of that.
And if you loose friends like I did - then its a blessing because you got rid of people prepared to drop you that quick.
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Its very rare to get acceptance from friends and family. It's not worth the risk of rejection, exposure and backstabbing. Best to keep your escorting secret from them. Too much hassle
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I think friends who are good friends and on your wavelength will be accepting but people from sheltered lives or people a bit bitchy might not approve.
Most of the few people I have told have been fine.
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Its very rare to get acceptance from friends and family. It's not worth the risk of rejection, exposure and backstabbing. Best to keep your escorting secret from them. Too much hassle
very rare? my friends all know and some of my family also.
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very rare? my friends all know and some of my family also.
Same as you, Roxy. I only had one bad reaction from an ex and he is no longer part of my life. It helped me see what a judgemental prick he was.
Everyone else has been fine.
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The reaction from my friends has been mostly good - many have been supportive and encouraging, and proud of me.
Unfortunately my oldest friend (more like my sister) has had a hard time accepting it. She tries to be supportive but she often says things like 'you can do better' and she won't help me with childcare when I'm working.
It's really hard when you realise that even the people you're closest to might not be open to seeing sex work differently.
Having said that, I'm glad my friends know, I hate lying to people I care about and find it very difficult to do so. I have other civvie friends who go out of their way to be supportive and to help me in practical, useful ways. One friend in particular is a huge cheerleader for me and when I'm having weird feels about my work (yay internalised whorephobia), shes the one who tells me that I earned and deserve every penny of my wages, that what I'm doing is real work, etc.
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trashbaby when your friend says 'you can do better' does she realise how much we can actually earn!
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Unfortunately its the oldest friends who could potentially have the most problems accepting. Being a more mature escort most of my friends are older ones! So I have my friends and I have my escort friends because I know my friends would have terrible problems accepting. That doesn't make them (or you) terrible people, it just means they are coming from a different place and/or are taken in by all the stereotypical views of prostitution.
If most of your friends have accepted consider yourself blessed!
I would be very interested to know if those talking of a lot of acceptance are in a younger age group?
But to the OP, think carefully before doing so, since once it's out you can't put it back in the tin. We are all in different situations with friends/family so what works for one won't work for another.
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I only told someone I trusted who was hung out in the fetish industry anyway. She was fine til she became a born again Christian. I'm lucky though. My other jobs fall alot around that scene so have many open minded friends xxx
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Thank you for all your replies. I am 26 years old. I guess I worry a lot because I fear many females would believe that the job is a contradiction to my feminist values (which they all associate me with). Many people seem to think the work in incompatible with feminism..i have had many tiring debates trying to explain that you can be both but some people just don't get it. I even worry that if I bring the subject up to 'test to water' they may suspect that I'm secretly working! I've become so isolated because of this. I hate lying to people so I find it easier to avoid them at the moment!!
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I guess I worry a lot because I fear many females would believe that the job is a contradiction to my feminist values
Well some will and some won't, but it's not worth worrying about since you can't do anything to change it :).
That said, whilst their interpretation of feminism is up to them (as yours is up to you), referring to women as 'females' certainly won't do your argument any favours?
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I have told both men and women friends, most of whom have been absolutely fine. If someone is going to be judgemental, they'll do it regardless of their gender.
My experience is pretty much the same as Mirror's, although I tend to stick to a fairly small group of friends so it's not a massive sample group (I don't keep my job a secret full stop so of the people in my town who would recognise me even in passing, it's unlikely they wouldn't know).
I've never had a bad reaction but it's worth remembering that most people are curious and will ask what might seem like rude or inappropriate questions. It's not intended to be crass, but it can be annoying as it is for the same reasons as anybody else who gets quizzed about their work when they're not doing it (doctors, for example :)).
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My experience is pretty much the same as Mirror's, although I tend to stick to a fairly small group of friends so it's not a massive sample group (I don't keep my job a secret full stop so of the people in my town who would recognise me even in passing, it's unlikely they wouldn't know).
I've never had a bad reaction but it's worth remembering that most people are curious and will ask what might seem like rude or inappropriate questions. It's not intended to be crass, but it can be annoying as it is for the same reasons as anybody else who gets quizzed about their work when they're not doing it (doctors, for example :)).
It doesn't hurt to have a reaction. The bad reactions have come from unexpected quarters, quite often from women who aren't aware of the huge amount of control indoor workers have over their err, work. Until I explain how my appointment system and screening works, they are under the impression that it's some sort of free for all. How else would they know any different without speaking to a sex worker?
Feminist?
I took the scary leap of speaking to a 'feminist' MEP, the only reason I dared do it was because she was a friend of someone very close to me, who said it would be ok. So along I went terrified, ready to grab my bag and run. That MEP I now consider a friend, and she hugs me whenever she sees me which can be at public speaking engagements. We learned a lot from each other that day and I've seen some of her social media posts mention that she knows sex workers who do run their work as a business, do pay taxes, do operate a proper system, do deserve recognition.
That first meeting I had with her I mentioned that feminists are seen as anti-sex worker. She then told me that I'm a feminist. I'm a woman who has a voice, wants to be heard.
Feminism doesn't mean hating men, or hating sex, or hating prostitution, or hating bras. It's about women, that's it.
It's so easy to stereotype any group of people.
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It doesn't hurt to have a reaction. The bad reactions have come from unexpected quarters, quite often from women who aren't aware of the huge amount of control indoor workers have over their err, work. Until I explain how my appointment system and screening works, they are under the impression that it's some sort of free for all. How else would they know any different without speaking to a sex worker?
Yes, that's really what I meant by the questions. People have usually made assumptions about what we do, how we work and what sort of people come to see us based only on things they have read and seen on TV, so they can't be blamed for not knowing any better. It does take some patience to deal with though, or at least I found that - the nurse at my GPs surgery (not our little GUM which is fab) was one of the oddest ones ???
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Yes, that's really what I meant by the questions. People have usually made assumptions about what we do, how we work and what sort of people come to see us based only on things they have read and seen on TV, so they can't be blamed for not knowing any better. It does take some patience to deal with though, or at least I found that - the nurse at my GPs surgery (not our little GUM which is fab) was one of the oddest ones ???
Funny you say that. One GUM healthworker was so busy asking questionsm that by the time she got around to getting the needle near my arm my veins had dropped. I was not impressed.
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In my case I know my friends and know which one I can safely open up to and some male friends too. So far no backlash , both my sisters are aware too as well as 2 adult nieces . We're a very close family and my nieces soon questioned their mothers about my being all dressed up at 3pm .... We see each other most days .
So far all good , I can't be sure how far it spread , a couple of aquaintances pulled me up on it (in a friendly way , as in "I'm aware" ) and I don't know who told them ... We all mix in the same circle .
I'm in a priviledge position, no children of my own , also self employed in furniture upcycling and work for a night club but I doubt my boss would sack me over it should he find out .... My only worry would be my "ex" in law , we're still close ... My ex husband (whom I'm friends with ) probably would laugh it off and ask how much I make . ;D
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My friends don't know I do this part time, I'm confident that 99% of them would be cool with it as they're very open about sex, I have stripper/lap dancer friends but I just can't bring myself to tell them even after 4 years!
I have this one friend who I used to be BFFs with we don't speak as much now as I work a lot, travel and all and she doesn't do much at all. She's always had a low opinon of WGs or anything to do with prostitution, stripping, glamour modelling etc, yet she's was the most promiscuous girl in our group.
Always looked down on girls in the sex industry and called them names, I think it was more jealousy than anything, she's the kind of girl who would see a pretty girl in a nice outfit and would insult her and say "I don't like her" whereas I would compliment, I would never tell her and we don't speak hardly ever now thankfully!
I would love to tell my friends but it's the fear of not knowing their reaction!
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Couple my friends know about my job. Most not. It's mportant that i'm sure they don't let rumors it and ready support me as well as i them in any situation.
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My 3 closest friends know and are fine with it, I've found that 1 comments a lot on the money I earn which really pisses me off,
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Women are bitches by nature and being a woman I've had many an experience to back that statement up because whenever I've had negative vibes regarding my work it has always been a woman who normally complains that I quote 'think I'm something special' my advice would be don't tell anyone who is already negative in other ways.
I've had lots of people be extremely supportive as well but every one negative has always been female.
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My best friend of 20 years (and I was due to be her maid of honour) she told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore after I told her x
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Lola that is really terrible and judgemental of your 'friend' to be like that!
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I guess she wasn't really my friend! You can't really trust anyone or know anyone I guess c
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Women are bitches by nature and being a woman I've had many an experience to back that statement up because whenever I've had negative vibes regarding my work it has always been a woman who normally complains that I quote 'think I'm something special' my advice would be don't tell anyone who is already negative in other ways.
I've had lots of people be extremely supportive as well but every one negative has always been female.
Bit of a generalisation, this?
Women aren't bitches by nature. We're told we are from day one, though. "women are so complicated, men are simple!" "men are straightforward, not like those bitches!" So it's no surprise that some women may be on the defensive, expecting every other woman to be out to get us.
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Everyone in my life bar my child know, only one person has been judgemental. Figured they probably weren't a true friend if the didn't support me anyway.
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My experience is pretty much the same as Mirror's, although I tend to stick to a fairly small group of friends so it's not a massive sample group (I don't keep my job a secret full stop so of the people in my town who would recognise me even in passing, it's unlikely they wouldn't know).
I've never had a bad reaction but it's worth remembering that most people are curious and will ask what might seem like rude or inappropriate questions. It's not intended to be crass, but it can be annoying as it is for the same reasons as anybody else who gets quizzed about their work when they're not doing it (doctors, for example :)).
I think some of us are in positions with less to lose than others.
Some of us may be very concerned about family finding out or have other deep relationships, perhaps geographically close, that would be vulnerable to this sort of thing.
I am "open" with people in the city where I work. I don't like to be an attention-seeker so I tell some people and rely on gossip to fill others in. However, in the village where my children live, I wouldn't like to be known. That's one reason I wear a wig as a disguise when working. It's not fool-proof but it creates a bit of distance. I would be very unhappy if my children were bullied.
I don't much care if people I don't know well think I'm a terrible person but there have been times I've been stung by an unexpected judgement. I have been barred from a pub because some people got the idea that I was "working" there. (No. I was pulling - or attempting to - just like any other person in their free time.) Some people may seem to be cool with what you do but then you will run across odd little pockets of things that reveal they have a distorted view of who you are. Most commonly, they usually cannot understand what prostitution is like to those of us who have that orientation. So they may assume that you are a horny beast always up for sex or they may assume that your interest in them is mercenary. It can be a bit of a shock to hit one of those little pockets of turbulence.