SAAFE forum
General Category => Blather and Babble => Topic started by: Mellow on 01 January 2012, 05:28:28 pm
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Has anyone else had this said to them, and how does it make them feel?
Today I saw a guy (with lots of issues which I heard ALL about!) who said this to me. He obviously meant well - but it made me feel quite insulted. I see nothing wrong with what I do, I don't feel ashamed by it - just wish the general population took the same view.
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Yes, and the reason I think it is insulting is that they are saying it to you, but at the same time, partaking in such an activity that they themselves think is so demeaning to you!!! Sort of like they clearly think it's demeaning to you (even if you don't) but they don't mind furthering that!
Maybe you should have said "If I'm better than this, then why are you doing "this"?"
God I hate assholes like that. Really gets on my nerves people like that. Some are clearly free-sex seekers thinking they will win you over that way, but even worse are the ones who say things like that just to be patronising or to offload their own weird inner-psyche issues or guilt onto you about women in general or bring their own issues about hiring a sex worker to the table.
grrrrrrr :o
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My instinct was to say 'I don't have a problem with what I do' so I did.
He did say he sometimes felt disgusted with himself for seeing escorts so obviously hes got issues there (along with a string of problems to do with alcohol, drugs, gambling and god knows what else!)
I could see he really felt he was paying me a compliment too!
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Well yeah - the "I feel guilt so will try to assuage it by saying sentimental you-are-better-than-this stuff" type !
It's projection I think x
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I saw someone not so long ago who, in the heat of his passions, yelled, "Why are you doing this job?! You should be a WIFE!"
Presumably he thought that the biggest compliment ever? ;D Not for me, really. Not that being a wife is a bad thing for those who are into it! But, erm, I'm currently a hard-working single self-employed professional who also studies part-time and is getting really good marks for all her assignments, so being recognised for that would be a better compliment to me - but I guess it's harder to get all those words out when approaching orgasm?
Honestly, I do agree that 'compliments' along this line are very weird when you unpick their source, you know, the things people learn as they grow up in our society which results in them one day telling the prostitute they're shagging that she seems nice enough to be not-a-prossie. I know there are plenty of people out there who don't believe in unpicking this stuff - and I wouldn't do it when a client has actually said something like that, since you know they mean well really - but honestly, you've got to ask yourself where such an odd, twisted idea comes from! "You're such a great prostitute that you seem like you could do something much better with your life" - if you swapped "prostitute" for "lawyer" or "doctor", the sentence would make no sense. Being good at our job, though, makes people like us enough to tell us we shouldn't be doing our job?!
It's a shame but yes, our job is definitely still considered demeaning by many no matter how much effort we and our clients put into saying, "Oh yes, it's a very empowering choice, an independent sex worker makes her own rules, her clients treat her with respect, she makes her own money using her skills, she should be proud, blah blah". And it's some of our own clients who struggle the most with the odd dichotomy of it all.
(Oh, and Mellow - I do think you have the particular sort of guy there who has some serious additional issues like LouLou said, to do with guilt and maybe even issues forming 'normal' relationships in real life etc. It's a definite pain when those ones unload their emotional burdens on you during the booking - I personally do not feel at all qualified to provide counselling and wish those kinds of clients would see a slightly more appropriate professional. :-\ At least they are rare!)
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Yeah, had this one more time than I care to remember over the years, and in all of it's different guises from those misguided souls wanting to be nice, helpful, complimentary (they think) and more often than not just good old fashioned patronising ;D. The ones like Mellow mentions are the ones that have problems with their own behaviour, not mine. But I've had the well-meaning souls who insist that I'm ever so bright and very nice and could probably get a proper job if I tried, you know like working in an office or a shop or something :D!
Gawd love 'em. I've asked some of them what these great jobs were where I could be my own boss and earn a months' pay in a day or two by working a handful of hours and I've never had a straight answer yet. But as said above, this one is just another who thinks we're all filthy and disgusting and is best not troubled with.
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He did say he sometimes felt disgusted with himself for seeing escorts so obviously hes got issues there (along with a string of problems to do with alcohol, drugs, gambling and god knows what else!)
God Mellow, I have DEFINITELY met this man!!!! Did he also tell you whilst basking in his post-coital glow that the whole situation was ridiculous, and weren't you both just desperately lonely, and that you "should both be ashamed of yourselves"?! Headdesk ::)
These types of clients really don't process what they are saying, I don't think. One of the skills I am most proud of that I have honed during this job has been learning to hear comments like this, and in response plastering a dopey, barbie-doll like smile on my face when in my head I'm are rolling my eyes/letting out a squawk of laughter in disbelief/smacking them one round the back of the head.
Having challenged comments like this in the past, I have learned to apply the above if in doubt!
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Yep, there are SO MANY GUYS who just don't put their brain in gear before they open their gobs. One man's compliment is another woman's insult. ;D
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I've only had one or two other guys say something along the same lines as this. As far as this guy goes I think you are all right..... the problem is with him. He wanted to know if I had long term plans to be something other than a WG. I think he should sort his own life out first from the sound of it! He also mentioned problems with committment........
And yes I probably should have let what he said go over my head!
I couldn't get him out of the door for ages either (I've got pretty good at getting clients to keep to time too) I had to literally say 'I'm going to have to kick you out now'
Oh one last thing he tried inviting me out for a drink afterwards.........funnily enough I said no!
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"You are better than this......"
Ha!
I don't have to pay for dates, sweety. (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-basic/wink.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
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"You are better than this......"
Ha!
I don't have to pay for dates, sweety. (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-basic/wink.gif) (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
Ha! Oh yes he was one of those who insisted he didnt HAVE to pay for sex....so obviously theres hundreds of girlies waiting in the wings!
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"You're better than this!"
"Yeah...........you're not though."
That's what I would say, I wouldn't be able to help myself.
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It is offensive, but they don't realise it ::) I happen to see my job as a highly intellectual venture, and it allows time for me to indulge in other things I enjoy. Some clients cannot fathom that we enjoy it. They truly cannot get their heads around it, and it irrites me. I also hate men who say they are digusted with themselves for seeing escorts. It's exceptionally bloody rude, and sometimes I just want to say - 'well darlin', I'm pretty disgusted that I had to sleep with a lowlife like you.' ::) Think before you speak!!
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Yes had this , not only from clients but male friends too. One client who kept trying to get me to date him after got very insulting and said something like, "Women like you make me sick, you're just a dog", to which I replied, ""Well without men like you trawling the ads for sex, there wouldn't be a need for any women like me!"
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Yes like LadyJ says- guys don't seem to get that something you may have started to do for economic reasons can also be very enjoyable as well as a means to an end.
And why do guys think that because we do it for financial gain, obviously we want to do it for free by dating someone as lovely as Coty's client!
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I wonder whether there aren't just some inherent 'double-thinks' in our line of work for clients that just make it really tricky for some of them to get their heads around?
Like how, while our job can be wonderful, it's like any other job in that not many prossies would be doing it for free (even considering that many women out there have sex plentifully and freely, it's still only with partners of their choosing so our industry still thrives). And more particularly, the fact that while we may have absolutely no problem seeing a guy as a great client, we would probably choose not to be having sex with him were he suddenly to mention he forgot to bring any money with him. So, for some clients, they have to put almost as much work in as we do to submerge these ideas somewhere in the back of their minds in order to enjoy a booking. Of course, plenty of clients are more like "I'm boinking a hottie so I'm going to enjoy this sex and not be pondering what it means to pay a partner to consent to physical intimacy" or "my wife is mean so I deserve a paid shag" and I actually do rather like these guys cos they definitely don't bring any emotional hang-ups to bookings (as long as they don't talk about their wives)!
But I think it's understandable that maybe the more 'anxious thinkers' of the world struggle even as they go through with appointments. As a 25-year-old woman, I can't imagine what it must be like to be a 35- or 45- or 55-year-old bloke considering paying for sex so honestly, I think it's fair that it's a sometimes-confusing time for them and that can result in saying odd things during bookings. While I've no truck with trying to make someone else feel bad just because you do (in the case of clients who bring a foul mood to bookings and to their best to transmit it to you - not nice!), I suppose really the only thing that annoys me about the odd 'compliments' is that they come from a place of likely total confusion which cannot really be helped because I can't change the nature of the situation we're in, can I? :-\
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I wonder whether there aren't just some inherent 'double-thinks' in our line of work for clients that just make it really tricky for some of them to get their heads around?
I absolutely agree with that Emily.
God yes aren't the straightforward guys who don't question what they are doing coming to visit you great!
Of course I don't wanna diss any basically nice guys who have anxiety around booking and seeing escorts. For some its far easier to beleive all the stereotyping surrounding WGs than to beleive that shock horror this girl is CHOOSING to do this, even enjoyes it.
This guy yesterday had a lot of confusion/chaos in his life, not just about visiting escorts!
(And he did bang on A LOT along the lines of the thread title)
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I got told I was 'better than this' today, and I immediately thought of this thread :D
I know I go on about it a lot, but I think the stereotypical image of streetwalkers has a lot to do with things. As you grow up and learn about the world, that's the image you have when you think of prostitutes, so it's ingrained.
Although then a man might get into the punting scene (I don't like the term punting, dunno why, but that's a separate thread! I use it, because it fits, but I find it weird and a bit creepy. Anyhoo...) and find out about parlours, agencies and independents etc, the image of the prostitute shivering on the street corner, Band-Of-Gold-style, occasionally being murdered and scrapping with pimps is still with them.
A strange PS - the guy who told me I was better than this did so on AW directIM, I've taken to logging in on that when I'm doing something on my computer. Bugger all money in it, but every little helps. Anyway, it was hours ago he said it, and he's just popped back up as I am typing this. Ooooh, spooky ;D
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Yup stereotypes explain a lot in respect of how WGs are viewed.
And MissT couldn't agree more about the term 'punter' or 'punting' it gives me the heebie jeebies. To the point where I think of all the nice guys I see as 'clients' and the creepystalkytypeones as 'punters'.
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I got told I was 'better than this' today, and I immediately thought of this thread :D
I know I go on about it a lot, but I think the stereotypical image of streetwalkers has a lot to do with things. As you grow up and learn about the world, that's the image you have when you think of prostitutes, so it's ingrained.
Although then a man might get into the punting scene (I don't like the term punting, dunno why, but that's a separate thread! I use it, because it fits, but I find it weird and a bit creepy. Anyhoo...) and find out about parlours, agencies and independents etc, the image of the prostitute shivering on the street corner, Band-Of-Gold-style, occasionally being murdered and scrapping with pimps is still with them.
A strange PS - the guy who told me I was better than this did so on AW directIM, I've taken to logging in on that when I'm doing something on my computer. Bugger all money in it, but every little helps. Anyway, it was hours ago he said it, and he's just popped back up as I am typing this. Ooooh, spooky ;D
I loved that series, I can remeber the scene with Samantha morten saying,
"?5 for a wank"
to a kerb crawler.
I agree it's how society has portrayed prostitution. I think it also relates to their own feelings of guilt & denial at having to pay for sex. They are saying it outwardly to us, that we are too good to do it but really it's directed at themselves in most circumstances.
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Oooh some interesting thoughts here, thanks ladies. I too loved Band of Gold, I was totally hooked on it!
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Most of my clients are city boys and I've been told, more often than I'd like to remember, that I don't need to do this job because I could easily get a nice banker to look after me ::)
*sigh*
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The few times its been said to me its usually been followed up by 'You are obviously intelligent and articulate why are you doing this etc etc'
Exactly so my choice as an intelligent articulate women to be doing this right now.
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It makes me laugh. Is it wrong for an intelligent woman to do this? No. I'd say quite the opposite. Intellect is a crucial part of it ::)
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It makes me laugh. Is it wrong for an intelligent woman to do this? No. I'd say quite the opposite. Intellect is a crucial part of it ::)
Again I think it boils down to the stereotype some guys have of WGs - that we are all dumb blondes with big boobs and no brains!
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Lol! I've had all of this!
You'd make a nice wife: I hope you're looking for a rich man to look after you: Are you putting away for retirement: You're not going to do this for too long are you: You're better than this: You could do much better than this: Why are you doing this: Don't you want to get married and have kids: (hee hee, they don't know I'm already married!). I've also had men apologise to me (for seeing me?): Tell me they feel guilty: Assure me they love their wives: Tell me that they're normally resolutely monogamous: and complain that hookers are ruining their life ::)
It's all soo offensive but I've learned to zone it out.
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I agree that a lot of these comments can be offensive - but to a degree I feel that I can choose whether I am offended or not. As far as is possible I just try to take the compliment that they are trying to make in their bumbling, inarticulate way and let the rest bound off the thick skin I wear when I'm working. Occasionally I crack though and 'You are better than this!' gets a big smile and a reply of 'Thank you! Do you think I should put my prices up?' which hasn't worked yet, but you never know :)
It seems to me that most of the negative perceptions are based on how we are portrayed in the media which polarizes the entire industry into either 'street walking crack whores' or '?500 per hour Belle du Jour' - but then men who pay for sex are also judged harshly as inadequate perverts or potential sex offenders. There is a huge middle ground for both sex workers and clients which is full of people who are either making a living or spending their own money as they see fit. The problem is, there's just no headline in 'Happy normal people express freedom of choice'...
R xx
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I agree that a lot of these comments can be offensive - but to a degree I feel that I can choose whether I am offended or not. As far as is possible I just try to take the compliment that they are trying to make in their bumbling, inarticulate way and let the rest bound off the thick skin I wear when I'm working. Occasionally I crack though and 'You are better than this!' gets a big smile and a reply of 'Thank you! Do you think I should put my prices up?' which hasn't worked yet, but you never know :)
I agree - I think it depends what general frame of mind you are in - if you are feeling great about life everything bad just bounces off you and if you get a compliment......woohoo. If however you've had a horrible stressful time of it for months (aka me last year) then you take things to heart more.
This year I'm going to try NOT to take things personally (in general not just my escorting life)
I might copy your idea of commenting about putting my price up if anyone says that to me again!
It seems to me that most of the negative perceptions are based on how we are portrayed in the media which polarizes the entire industry into either 'street walking crack whores' or '?500 per hour Belle du Jour' - but then men who pay for sex are also judged harshly as inadequate perverts or potential sex offenders. There is a huge middle ground for both sex workers and clients which is full of people who are either making a living or spending their own money as they see fit. The problem is, there's just no headline in 'Happy normal people express freedom of choice'...
R xx
Yup too true, think I've said as much elsewhere.
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'You are better than this!' gets a big smile and a reply of 'Thank you! Do you think I should put my prices up?'
;D
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Had one on webcam the other night - "Do you really escort? You look above it." My answer was "I don't see it that way because I'm not a self hating moron - are you?" and he left :D
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Had one on webcam the other night - "Do you really escort? You look above it." My answer was "I don't see it that way because I'm not a self hating moron - are you?" and he left :D
;D
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Had one on webcam the other night - "Do you really escort? You look above it." My answer was "I don't see it that way because I'm not a self hating moron - are you?" and he left :D
See? That is a terrible thing to say. What a fucker. You were fantastic in your response though :-* ;D I think some men like to put woman down, and they see working girls are easy targets. Oh how wrong they are!!!
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I never take this as an insult, always as a compliment, albeit a sort of misguided one. I do in fact explain to them why I am PERFECT for this job, and that I'd be a fool NOT to do it! :)
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That is a fantastic point though ;)
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Had this too,and felt very insulted by it.I was actaully offered a "normal" job from one client,working with him,he had his own business.As if!
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You are better than this......
It's the equivalent to telling a client: "Why do you pay for sex? You're better than this!"
I think half of the punters are deluded and have zero psychology and no tact when dealing with he opposite sex (hence the reason they pay for sex) Phrases like this are part of their inadequacy around women.
I once had a client who told me: "What a horrible job you have! It must be awful doing what you do!" I felt like answering: "What a horrible blow for the ego it must be having to pay someone to get laid! It must be aweful" Instead I decided to keep my mouth shut and just add him to my blacklist. I'm not wasting a gram of my energy on assholes. It helps keeping my blood pressure down.
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Yep I've had the "You're too good for this" as well. Coupled recently with "you're such a sweet girl you need to be careful no one takes advantage of you. Dangerous game this."
!!!
I'm glad HE thought it was a game cause I certainly don't treat my safety as a matter of entertainment. So thanks for the heads up, matey. Especially precious from a chap I nearly cancelled on because he was being arsey about my booking safety procedures.
It really rips my knitting, so I started making a point of telling them how much I love doing this job and describing that their ?200 smacaroonies are going to pay for half of my new Gina shoes! They soon get the message! So far one client is delighted he's managed to "buy" me my Vivienne Westwood ring and scarf. Money has of course been spent on council tax and credit card bills but he doesn't need to know that!
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I'm not wasting a gram of my energy on assholes. It helps keeping my blood pressure down.
This is my new motto! x
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This just came out of Australia ---> This! :D (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6pnlrBhxReM) <---
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So it's the 'Sheilas' who have the sense of humour? Bonza me old skip! ;)
Nice one...
W.x
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I mentioned the idea of becoming an escort to my boyfriend a few months ago, just as a "hypothetically..." sorta thing, and he flipped out. Called me a disgusting person and said I wasn't the kind of person he thought I was. It was SO hurtful. I am actually an incredibly intelligent, kind and compassionate person who happens to think that escorting is somewhat similar to beng a therapist without the degree(s). It takes a huge amount of empathy to be an escort, I think. The fact that you need to look past all physical judgements and see your clients as human beings is a serious skill. He also told me to "get a real job" "work hard like the rest of the world" and than compared me to his sister who "worked at McDonalds for five years to pay for school and traveling". I don't know about you guys, but as I only have about 75 years left on this earth I would rather work for excellent money and have way more time to spend on things I love, than work for shitty pay and feel exhausted after every shift. Also, I think doing anything for money that you don't want to is essentially "prostitution" the only difference is that in one instance you make like... 20x more. I mean seriously - is it actually better to be treated badly by coworkers and employers, (because you're completely replaceable and dispensable) paid shit, and spend most of your time doing something you hate? Or, would you rather work in an industry where your clients respect you and are grateful for your service (with some exceptions, you can just 'fire' those ones anyway), you get to create lating work relationships with good people, express your sexuality, be compensated fairly and generously, and be able to do what you love with the rest of your time? BONUS: (for amateur psychoanalysts like myself, teehee) a growing understanding of the human race.
There's my rant. I know it feels awful when someone insults you like this, especially when its someone you love. (though I don't think we'll be together much longer)
Its also hard because we're arguing against most of society. The common consensus is that sex workers are either exploited unkowingly or damaged enough to pick this occupation out of psychological compulsion. Its really sad, because 95% of the blogs I've read by escorts have been positive, if insightful and complicated.
Anyways, thats my rant. Kudos to you all for the informed choices you made about your work!
femmesilver
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?Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.?
― William Gibson
Another awesome quote, and so true!
femmesilver
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Brilliant quote :-X
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I've only had that said to me once or twice, but still it's almost like they are looking down on you because you are an escort. It's very snobbish.
To be honest if anyone says that to me I'd ignore them.
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I've not had this one yet!!! Darn it! ;D
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This just came out of Australia ---> This! :D (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6pnlrBhxReM) <---
Lol nice. I like how the most common one is "so what's the wuerdest thing you've done?"
Sooo true!
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Better than what? It's such a taboo to some people, most of us really enjoy what we're doing and the money helps!
So many people can't understand the emotional barrier around sex, so obviously can't understand fully what really escorting is.
This guy honestly needs to see that he's involved in escorting as much as you by providing you with a client, maybe he should think that he may "be better than this... " instead of putting you down!