hi

i have an old problem, a flaw of my personality, i am still to dependent on what people think of me,
so i am to afraid of telling them that i am an escort, or even that i love the job i am doing, and feel it is something really noble, and even spiritual,
i know most won't understand, and i know most would look down on me, and i know some maybe or maybe not

why do i care so much, whether others approve of me,
why do i still and why did i suppress aspects of me just because they would be taboo, why does it always takes so much courage and strength to break one.

there is something i would like to do, or i would like to create adult movies that show emotion, that show story line, that show that sexuality is sacred and an integral part of life; and even ones life force itself; again a very positive, altruistic mission, and again i hesitate, and back away... oh i may not be approved, oh everyone would look down on me. why for gods sake, is that always so hard for me.
how can i get a crew and get those together who might like being involved if i am afraid of being judged if i mention such an idea.

Not silly at all.

Lots of us are very happy with our job but keep quiet because we know people will disapprove through their ignorance.

There are plenty of people around who are out and open and will happily make the sort of movies you talk about but they are unlikely to be escorts. Try joining some swinging groups or looking at soms of ther amateur model sites.