A couple of years ago I was working from my house. I had my rather large dog with me who is well trained, quiet and only responds when is spoken to. He was also used to some cute names that my boyfriend's daughter called him. At the time he was kept at the second bedroom. I have the habit of not closing bedroom doors completely.

I received a new client who was shy and nervous. I showed him upstairs and asked if he wanted a drink. He asked for water so I went to fetch it.

While pouring water, I decided to break the silence.

Me: "SO WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE POSITION?"
Him: "DOGGY!"
Me thinking "I haven't heard that one before..."

I went upstairs and lo and behold, my dog was sitting at the doorstep of the working room with my huge 17 inch big boy dildo in his mouth staring at the client. I was given that dildo as a present and never used it but had given it to my dog as a toy.

The poor man's expression was priceless. He was staring back my dog in fear and then glanced at me with a certain "Please don't!" look on his face.

An client had lace up shoes and just slipped them off when undressing. Come the time to dress again and he thought he could just slip them back on. Wrong! His feet would not fit in unless he untied the laces and they were knotted so tight it was impossible. He struggled and I offered to help. He refused and wanted to do it himself so I went to the loo to give him time. When I came back he was no nearer undoing the laces and agreed to let me have a go. My nails got in the way and it was not happening.  Eventually I had to cut them with scissors and then his shoes went on fine but were too slack. 

He kept his cool and so did I but I wanted to laugh so much as I saw him trying to walk normally while struggling to keep the shoes on. He was probably mortified with embarrassment.  No he has not been back. 

Yesterday I was ina rush to get to a booking and was running down the road when - what falls out of my bag?? ONLY A FUCKING VIBRATOR... In the middle of the city at rush hour ffs lol 
I went back to get it as some guy was bending over to pick it up - the look on his face when he registered what it was 
I quickly picked it up and continued running far far away from the scene of the crime 

   Anyhoo, the booking progresses and it's all going fine. Then, as I move to go down on the guy, I notice my cat sitting on top of the wardrobe (which stands against the pillow end of the bed) looking down on us with what I can only describe as an expression of alarm on his face. The client doesn't seem to have spotted him so I just carry on, hoping desperately he'll stay up there and keep quiet. After watching about 2 mins of oral cat decides he wants out and jumps down off the wardrobe landing with a massive thud, on the pillow right next to my client's face. I felt so bad for my client - he almost jumped out of his skin! I bundled cat into the kitchen and apologised profusely.

Nearly wetting myself here !! I have cats too! x

Howling here I have 7 cats, they are bastards lol

I worked with an agency once back in 2011 and the driver took me to a job and when I got to the street then I recognised it as having been there the week before on a job so off I go from the car and walk up the clients path and I see him sitting in the livingroom reading something, I waved through the window and he didn’t wave back, I thought nothing of it and went to the door and knocked on it, he didn’t answer so I tapped again and he still didn’t answer, I ended up standing there for a few minutes and wondered wtf was going on so I went up to the livingroom window again and still the client was sitting there so I started banging on the window frantically and STILL he ignored me, I’m not the most patient person in the world so I then started going mental and shouting about how he was a time waster and he better pay the £30 cancellation fee or else my boss would send ‘the boys’ down to sort him out and STILL he kept sitting there and yet he wasn’t looking at me...well 1 minute later my crazy boss calls me asking where the fuck I am as the client has been on the phone asking why am I not there yet, well it turns out I was in the right street but at the wrong door and I had been with the guy (who was ignoring me being a fruitcake at his door) before but this time it was a different one!!!

Nothing ever became of the guy I went mental at, no complaints or anything and the client whose house I was actually meant to go too thought it hilarious but I didn’t say which door even though he kept asking, it still makes me laugh to this day!

Had a couple lines with a client and midway through realised it was cut with baby laxative    It's a healthier alternative to more dubious fillers I guess. Had a quick poo-break, showered my arse and got back in the saddle.