I thought we could do with a bit of mirth and gaiety in this difficult phase.

A client says 'I have a spare room for you' roughly translates as 'I would like you to use my room in exchange for free sex whenever I fancy it from you'.

A client rings you up to say 'What time is your last booking of the day?' roughly translates as 'I fancy robbing you so would like to come at the end of your day of bookings to take all your cash when you aren't looking'.

A client states 'I will only see you from now on' means 'I am hoping you will now offer me a discount'.

A client who becomes a regular  and it is the third time onwards then goes on to ask 'So what other services can you offer me today?' when you have exhausted your whole repertoire of likes on your profile so why are they asking?  It roughly translates to mean 'I expect you have to an infinite number of skills up your sleeve for me above and beyond your profile'.  'I expect you to be super human and to be endlessly providing new services over and over that other escorts do not'.

Are there any other comments/expectations that you can think of out there to cheer us all up during lockdown/pandemic pandamonium??!!  I thought it would be fun to put what they say in inverted commas as if it was speech.  Then the translation!

I look forward to any more!

"I'm flexible on time" turns out to be "...as long as you can see me at 8pm."

"I'm looking for a really relaxing and unrushed service" = "I expect to overstay"

"Do you do anal? [after confirming the booking] It doesn't matter if not" = "Actually it does matter and now you've said no, I'm not going to show up or have the courtesy to cancel"

"Is there anyone else there with you?" = "I'm pretty sure I can overpower you in a fight but don't fancy my chances against a man"

"I'm a lady and me and my boyfriend would like to book next weekend" = "I'm a man and my (possibly imaginary) girlfriend knows nothing of my fantasies, but I'm hoping you're naive enough to keep texting details and give me free wank material"

"I'll send you a photo of myself" = "I'm vain, arrogant, and don't think I should have to pay"

"This is my first time with an Escort/I have never done this before" (said by 99.9% of any caller and client in my 11 years in this gig)
Translation: I want you to work super hard in pleasing me and of course, you won't expect me to rubber up if I have never worn a condom been with a prostitute before now?"

"I'm not a timewaster"

I am a timewaster.

I’ve posted this before but I (personally) think it’s funny/informative enough to repeat:

When they arrive, come in, look around & say, “Are you alone?”

Me, stepping up close & getting into their personal space. “Why? Are you planning on robbing me?”
*dead ass serious look on my face. No smile. Hands on hips. Body language aggressive.*

Client begins stuttering &  nervously laughing. “I uh well err umm.”

“Because the last person that asked me that ?? DID try & rob me. And then I had to kill him. And because you don’t know me, you have NO IDEA if I’m joking or not.”

The 2 times I’ve done this they were both so terrified they left the $$ & ran out the door, mumbling something about being “uncomfortable.”😂


My other fave is the ones who start out by asking for a discount in return for becoming a regular.

“I’m looking for a lady to have an ongoing relationship with & I love your look & style! This would be a cpl hours each week, every week & since this will be mutually beneficial to us both, what financial agreement can we come to?”

Translation: “I want to see you every week at the snap of my fingers for $150 with an unlimited time frame in place.”

It doesn’t work like that. 1st you become a regular, then maaaaybe I give you a discount. And by regular, I mean every week for 6 months.

“Been busy”

“Tell me how many cocks you’ve had today so I can judge you”

Or they want you to talk about it so they can get off *shudder*. Had 1 do that to me once; I smiled sweetly & deliberately ignored the ??. He asked again a few minutes later; “how many men have you fucked today?”

*Mental sigh.* I said, “17.” completely straight faced. “Really???”
“Mmmhuh!!” He shut up after that, lol.

“I have been told I’m great at oral” translates as “please tell me I’m good at oral and whilst your at it then please fake it and give me a discount”

. I get that one in emails, usually in a whiny tone because I don't offer RO. See also:

"I'm a giver rather than a receiver"
"Tell me what yooooouuu like"
"I really want you to enjoy yourself"
"It won't even feel like you're working!"

I don't really care or want you to tell me what you actually do like or would enjoy; I want you to make encouraging noises while I scrub away at your vulva like it's a scratch-and-win and I will sulk like a toddler if you don't.

"Depends how good you are"
Translation: I'm totally shit in bed so expect you to do all the work.

"You're the only girl I see"
Translation: i see 2 or 3 escorts at least a month but I expect you to pull out all the stops.