I had a guy once, older guy, probably in his 70s. He asked for a shower after the booking. I said sure, let me turn the water on for you (this was in my old flat and the shower was temperamental) and fetch you a fresh towel. He said oh that's okay I always bring my own towel.

I thought fair enough, maybe he's a bit of a germophobe. Left him in the bathroom. 10 minutes later he called out saying he couldn't turn the shower off. I went into the bathroom and he was towelling himself down with, I'm not kidding, Regina Blitz kitchen roll.

After he left I went back into the bathroom and he had kindly left me with about 4 miles of used Regina Blitz and an unflushed toilet. Cunt.

Client moans that a 2 minute walk to my door is too complicated after not listening to directions...(doesn't know his left from his right), I asked if he gets out much? He stumbles around squealing, 'is it the end of the road?...the very end?...but is it theeeee eeeend ?' Busy well-lit corporate area not like it's marshy woodland. I usually decline politely at this point but tell him slowly, 'you're a f*ng idiot', and kill the phone.

The more calm and reassuring I am the more flustered and panic stricken they become.

VC ~
I've literally come out of the bathroom on an outcall & very briskly said, "ok, so! I didn't use the toilet 🚽just now, I saw it was already full. Should I flush that or did you just want to leave it there?"
Very obviously tapping my foot🙄.

Cue the beet red face & stuttering by the client *scowl*. Fortunately, thank heavens it's only ever been urine; I'm honestly not sure if I could go through with booking if it was unflushed poo.🤢

Then I wait.... listen...& call out "wash your hannnnnds!" as they walk out of the bathroom & they didn't wash their GD hands😡.

12. They're ALL fucking 12.

I have mentioned this before but, years ago, I had a hotel Outcall with a client who had kindly blown his own snot into the sink and simply left it there. 

Tell you to visit their town when they have never met you not have any intention of doing so.
I've said no on many occasions as I don't dance to their tune
Or the ones who see your new photos and compliment you like your meant to be so greatful to them .they don't book ever .

Kay ~
I turn it back on them.
"Awww, really? Remind me how you found me again?" *polite & conversational*
Stupid Client: XYZ website.
"That's online, right? You were able to get there, right? So there should be NP getting to MY website. I'll text you the link right now." (If you do that)

I've also had them say uh uh, my friend had to pull it up for me bc IDK anything about the internet!! I reply, then your friend with have to do all this for you too.

It's absolutely ridiculous that a 50 something year old man claims not to know how to use the Net. Yeah, they're out there but you found me & I'm not listed in the New York Times classifieds. You found me ONLINE.

MY 87 year old mother can barely log on to her Gmail account & nothing my brother or I have done has made a bit of difference; she refuses to learn. That's ok: she's 87.🤦🏼‍♀️

I really hate it when a client recommends you to someone else. I had a call the other day from someone who told me this had happened to him, and he asked me the most basic of questions. I suggested he go and look at my website, and got the eye-rolling 'I'm not good at this new-fangled internet stuff'. Well, fuck off then.

I never accept a booking from someone who tells me on the phone he got my number/details from a friend. Not remotely interested in pursuing that one with any man. I do remember a couple of times asking who was the friend as I was thinking if true then this "friend" could be someone I blocked or did not enjoy the meeting etc.

Guess what, none of these guys was prepared to tell me who the friend was.

I hardly ever do out calls these days but used to do them a lot. One man invited me into his rather impressive home. Huge rooms and lots of them (my entire home could have fitted easily into his ground floor but so what and who cares  )  but he wanted us to sit in his living room on opposite sofas for a chat first. I did say what a lovely home he had and his reply was yes and I worked hard for it, all rooms other than the ones I want to use with you are locked and nothing of value is anywhere to be found.

Such a lovely welcome don't you think?  ok he was cautious but needn't have made it so bloody obvious.

OMG Justine...what a controlling head fukor! Sometimes it's not about the sex at all.

...being dead. A client this week was a 'living corpse' , not moving or showing any signs of being alive. Seems a bit freaky and makes me uncomfortable, I don't want those types. I started oral and then asked him what he wanted. 'Just keep on with that'. I said, 'No, I'm not doing oral for 20 minutes, think of something else.' I just wanted him out quick as.

Kiss me while still chewing gum. Put it in the bin ffs!