SAAFE forum
General Category => Blather and Babble => Topic started by: Willow Summers on 17 September 2016, 10:17:39 am
-
Text received - I'd like to book an hour for gfe. Im really good with my tongue and fingers and will make you cum loads.
Me - yep, thats fine but i never cum with clients. I can put on a good act though if you want?
Silence
I wasnt in a very good mood that day lol
-
Text received " I would like to visit now"
Reply "I will be ready in half an hour"
He replies "No good. Need to come now"
I reply "Ok. Come now but I haven't showered and my underarms, feet and fanny really stink."
-
Text received-Can I come and see you. I have a really huge dick that all the ladies love.
My response-Recent survey shows that 8 out 10 prozzies prefer small ones.
-
Text received- Are you discrete?
My reply-No. I have a big sign with flashing red lights outside my door."
-
Text received-Is that you in the picture?
I reply-No. I used someone else's picture because I look like Anne Widdecombe.
-
Text received-Are you good at what you do?
My response-No, I'm shite!
-
Text received-Can I come and see you. I have a really huge dick that all the ladies love.
My response-Recent survey shows that 8 out 10 prozzies prefer small ones.
;D
-
Just barked laughter at "Anne Widdecombe" and getting some funny looks on this bus ;D ;D
-
Text received-Are you good at what you do?
My response-No, I'm shite!
Lol!I've had similar on the phone.
'Will you give me a good bj?'
'Sorry fresh out of good ones,just doing crap ones today'.
'Do you do watersports?'
'Yes on Watersports Wednesdays.Today it's Forced feminisation Friday does that interest you?'
-
'What can I get for 30?'
'A weeks shop at Aldi'
-
'What can I get for 30?'
'A weeks shop at Aldi'
I loved all the replies to far, but this one made me LOL properly! :D :D ;D
-
'What can I get for 30?'
'A weeks shop at Aldi'
Hands down the best response ever! X
-
Any chance of a discount?
Just buy a porn DVD.
-
I think your replies are a good screener as, if they are OK guys, they will see the funny side. If they are arrogant toss pots, they'll hurl abuse.
;D
-
Him..(Very blunt with no introduction) Where are you?
Me...Me? I'm in the kitchen on the phone talking to you.
(long silence and then a click)
-
Unsavoury sounding man who again doesn't have the manners to say hello or Is this Helen.
Him..You available?
Me...No
I put the phone down.
He calls me straight back
Him...I don't know what happened there we must have got cut off.
Me...No I put the phone down on you.
Him...Oh.
I put the phone down on him again.
-
Him: Hello gorgeous
Me: I'm not gorgeous I'm afraid
Him: (sounding confused) Oh...well...I
Me: <<<terminates call
-
Him..(Very blunt with no introduction) Where are you?
Me...Me? I'm in the kitchen on the phone talking to you.
(long silence and then a click)
I had one like that
'Where exactly are you?'
Me - on the settee, in the livingroom
-
An unknown person has just texted me asking "If I'm busy Tuesday next week" I replied with "Just call me Tuesday thanks" He then asks how many times he can cum (obviously just wanting to get into a text/wank convo ::) I replied "Its my time you pay for now please don't text me anymore as I don't work weekends thanks."
He's actually taken notice and left me alone!!! :o
-
Him: Hello gorgeous
Me: I'm not gorgeous I'm afraid
Him: (sounding confused) Oh...well...I
Me: <<<terminates call
I do dislike being called, "sexy" or "gorgeous". I bet they wouldn't like to be called that themselves.
-
Him, "Are you available tonight?"
Me, 'I'm available for watching X factor in my pyjamas'
-
Previous client texts me asking if I no longer do 30 outcalls, I confirm that out calls need to be an hour minimum.
Several days later..
Him: Still definitely no half hour outcalls ?
Me: I could leave after 30 minutes if you pay me for an hour?
-
Him-Can you wear a sexy outfit?
Me-No wearing tracky bottoms and a football too.
-
LOTM - you are making laugh out loud. I'll be using these and others!
Thank you x
-
From checking my logs.:
Him: (No introduction this was literally the first thing he texts) So do you enjoy having sex with lots of men?
Me: My enjoyment is directly linked to how much I'm being paid
Him: So really you just care about money?
Me: If you pay me for an hour I'll pretend to care about you for 60 whole minutes how does that sound?
And recent call:
Voice on phone: Hello is this *insert my working name*?
Me: Yes that's me
VoP: And you're a hooker?
Me: That's a negative I am a cheese sandwich
*he hangs up*
Some people have no sense of humour when asking obvious questions, we both know I'm a hooker just ask me for a booking!
-
'So really you just care about the money?'??????!!!! hahaha!
What planet are they on?
Cheese sandwich. Love it.
-
Him-Are you up for some fun?
Me-Will have so much fun spending your cash.
-
Him: Are you in booking now?
ME: No I'm with cat
Him: You have boyfriend?
ME: I have cat
Him: I want you to ring me and listen to you give a man a blowjob & be your boyfriend
Me: Nah cba, sounds boring, i'm going to watch TV instead.
I always ignore people who clearly have no intent of paying for a sexual service buuuut I think we all know that toying banter mood we get in once in a blue moon a prod back doesnt hurt.
-
Him: Where you based in [city]
Me: I'm nearby [the location of one of the city's football clubs]
Him: What, at the [club] football ground?
Me: Yeah, I'm sat in the goalmouth with my legs open.
-
hahahaha!!!!!!! Brilliant!!!!!
-
Him: Are you free?
Me: No I am ?X amount an hour. ;D
cheeky bugger
-
Him: Where you based in [city]
Me: I'm nearby [the location of one of the city's football clubs]
Him: What, at the [club] football ground?
Me: Yeah, I'm sat in the goalmouth with my legs open.
;D that will having me laughing all afternoon. Brilliant!
Text "you available today" no I'm in bed with a hangover.
I actually had an email from a guy asking if I'm free of HIV & STDS etc he's just called me but got my voicemail so I'll have to come up with a sarcastic response if he calls back..
-
Him: Are you available now?
Me: I could see you in an hour.
Him: So you can't see me right now?
Me: I'm on the bus. So not unless you're on the number 7 bus that's just going past Lidl, no.
-
I work in a modern apartment with such amazing mod cons as a lift!
This was a bloke who despite being given clear instructions as to how to get in to my apartment block i.e keep walking in a straight line past the shop to the end turn right intercom is there press xxy and call took 20 mins to get his arse out his elbow.
He finally got in and was told to come up to the 3rd floor he then proceeded to ask me how he would get to the 3rd floor and should he use the lift!I finally lost it and said 'No come back out and then climb up onto the balcony like Spiderman!'
He did actually apologise for behaving like a complete dick when he finally made his way up 30 mins late.. :FF
-
Client: Can I see you now?
Me: I can do 11
Client: How about 10?
Me: No. I said 11.
Client. I no... was jst tryin my luck
Me. No. You're pushing your luck. What you're trying is my patience.
*silence*
-
He finally got in and was told to come up to the 3rd floor he then proceeded to ask me how he would get to the 3rd floor and should he use the lift!I finally lost it and said 'No come back out and then climb up onto the balcony like Spiderman!'
This is fucking hilarious ;D
-
Client: Can I see you now?
Me: I can do 11
Client: How about 10?
Me: No. I said 11.
Client. I no... was jst tryin my luck
Me. No. You're pushing your luck. What you're trying is my patience.
*silence*
Hate when they don't seem to understand you give them a time for a reason, you might have a client in and need time between bookings to clean up and make yourself look good for them but for them only their hard on is important.
-
client asked where I was based. Despite surely them searching me them in their area PLUS it being in the headline including the basic postcode PLUS the first line of my profile PLUS in my FAQs PLUS in the area AW allocates to where I am etc (so hardly can claim it was nestled and intricate to find)
Where are you?
I responded with please read my profile and get back to me because it's important you know wether we are matched in location/servies/prices etc well or not in order to make a booking'
He responded angrily so I responded:
'I've only read your profile for 0.4 seconds' - he exclaims demanding that he's in the right & should have his question answered respectfully despite not having enough respect to read her profile in order to read her FAQs or even headline to this very query. How very dare she expect someone to have basic reading & effort skills in order to beleive the man will bother to turn up to a booking.
-
Weird client who I won't be seeing again asks me on arrival if I'll be recording the session..
'Darling I can assure you I have much better things to do in my own time then watch your arse bouncing up and down on top of me!'
He looked almost disappointed!
-
Weird client who I won't be seeing again asks me on arrival if I'll be recording the session..
'Darling I can assure you I have much better things to do in my own time then watch your arse bouncing up and down on top of me!'
He looked almost disappointed!
Reminds of a client that was on his way out when he looked worried and said 'Can you delete my number, I don't want you contacting me out the blue' I said I really have better things to do than call clients I would have forgotten you in ten minutes.
-
client asked where I was based. Despite surely them searching me them in their area PLUS it being in the headline including the basic postcode PLUS the first line of my profile PLUS in my FAQs PLUS in the area AW allocates to where I am etc (so hardly can claim it was nestled and intricate to find)
Where are you?
I responded with please read my profile and get back to me because it's important you know wether we are matched in location/servies/prices etc well or not in order to make a booking'
He responded angrily so I responded:
'I've only read your profile for 0.4 seconds' - he exclaims demanding that he's in the right & should have his question answered respectfully despite not having enough respect to read her profile in order to read her FAQs or even headline to this very query. How very dare she expect someone to have basic reading & effort skills in order to beleive the man will bother to turn up to a booking.
Oh my goodness I had a similar call few moments ago, this was from a guy with an Australian accent.
HIM: Is this Jasmine
ME: Yes How can I help you
HIM: How much is your hourly rate
ME: All you need to know is on advert where you got my number from
HIM: Can you not tell me over the phone
ME: How you managed to scroll down and get my number do go back read from the top then call back if you wish to proceed in booking me.
HIM: There is no need to be aggressive you have to remember whats on your advert to tell us clients who are to book you. He then put the phone down ( I was baffled cos I was so polite but this idiot was throwing his toys out of his pram.)
-
These are two recent ones... Sometimes I'm in one of those moods where I decide to be a little shit and entertain these idiots lol!
Client; Can I come to you now for booking.
Me; Unless you're paying triple my rate for me to work on my day off then no.
Client; How much will that be happy to pay triple knowing you haven't had a load of cocks up you today
Me; Actually I've just come back from a bukkake party and I'm all cocked out, but you can book me if you like :)
.... Silence :D :D
Another one...
Client; What's your address? Want an hour
Me; it's number 45 read my god damn profile I don't do Incalls street...
Client; Oh sorry
LOL ;D ;D
-
When you're 90 mins into a 2hr booking and your cat decides to make an unscheduled appearance on the bed. Like literally ON THE BED.
Him: WTF?
Me: I'm so sorry, it's my cat, she's a pain. Fuck off cat!
Cat: [He's been here 90 mins so I'm gonna assume he's your boyfriend now. Gettin comfy.]
I really need a new work flat where the layout allows me to shut her out :-[
-
When you're 90 mins into a 2hr booking and your cat decides to make an unscheduled appearance on the bed. Like literally ON THE BED.
Him: WTF?
Me: I'm so sorry, it's my cat, she's a pain. Fuck off cat!
Cat: [He's been here 90 mins so I'm gonna assume he's your boyfriend now. Gettin comfy.]
I really need a new work flat where the layout allows me to shut her out :-[
I badly needed cheering up, this made me chuckle.
Cat knows he's no.1 in your life really and wants his/her bed back :)
-
I don't do videos it's even specified on a FAQ on my profile ::)
Him: Great profile! I'm a photographer, just wondered if you'd be up for doing a naughty video together? oral without condom, facial ideally, that's all I need. Think it would be loads of fun! And then I would post it on my profile if thats OK. Let me know what you think xx
Me: I would rather kill myself :) /I would much rather gouge my own eyes out with forks.
Have a lovely day :) xxx
He was really annoyed and called me a bitch but in my defence he did ask me to let him know what I think.
-
When you're 90 mins into a 2hr booking and your cat decides to make an unscheduled appearance on the bed. Like literally ON THE BED.
Him: WTF?
Me: I'm so sorry, it's my cat, she's a pain. Fuck off cat!
Cat: [He's been here 90 mins so I'm gonna assume he's your boyfriend now. Gettin comfy.]
I really need a new work flat where the layout allows me to shut her out :-[
Sorry (not sorry) but *loves the cat and gives it scrubbles*.
I love cat logic.
-
When you're 90 mins into a 2hr booking and your cat decides to make an unscheduled appearance on the bed. Like literally ON THE BED.
Him: WTF?
Me: I'm so sorry, it's my cat, she's a pain. Fuck off cat!
Cat: [He's been here 90 mins so I'm gonna assume he's your boyfriend now. Gettin comfy.]
I really need a new work flat where the layout allows me to shut her out :-[
He should be grateful it didn't do what my sister's cat did, and jump on her boyfriend's back as they were shagging... :D
-
In retrospect it was funny but I was mortified last night. Thankfully he didn't book via AW so won't be leaving a review about the "extra pussy" :D
-
This is why I only have a hamster but he does occasionally make noise during a booking, Was riding a client once and he just started giggling uncontrollably and I asked him what he's laughing at and it was the hamster going apeshit running around his cage then running on the wheel and jumping off flinging itself around. Hamsters are weird sometimes.
-
In retrospect it was funny but I was mortified last night. Thankfully he didn't book via AW so won't be leaving a review about the "extra pussy" :D
I literally choked on my tea! Good one, VC! ;D ;D ;D
-
Him: Hi I'm peter could you cover me in sundried tomatoes please?
Me: Sorry mate I'm too working class. How about Aldi Ketchup?
-
When you're 90 mins into a 2hr booking and your cat decides to make an unscheduled appearance on the bed. Like literally ON THE BED.
Him: WTF?
Me: I'm so sorry, it's my cat, she's a pain. Fuck off cat!
Cat: [He's been here 90 mins so I'm gonna assume he's your boyfriend now. Gettin comfy.]
I really need a new work flat where the layout allows me to shut her out :-[
I shut my 2 cats in the kitchen during bookings. 1 day, 1 of them didn't come in when I rattled the treat box. I figured he was snuggled up somewhere too sleepy to move.
He sure was and that place turned out to be on top of the wardrobe in my work room. Riding the client, I looked up and saw cat staring down at me with a puzzled look on his face. *Please stay up there. Please be quiet.*
Nope. 20 seconds later he thudded down onto the bed right next to my client's head and ran off. I could not stop laughing. And apologising.
-
Text received - I'd like to book an hour for gfe. Im really good with my tongue and fingers and will make you cum loads.
Me - yep, thats fine but i never cum with clients. I can put on a good act though if you want?
Silence
I wasnt in a very good mood that day lol
hhahaha hilarious I am the same. I don't cum with clients only with female booking or couple play but that again is lady makes me cum. Men always fail and think its a must to make me cum hahaha this is funny. ;D
-
When you're 90 mins into a 2hr booking and your cat decides to make an unscheduled appearance on the bed. Like literally ON THE BED.
Him: WTF?
Me: I'm so sorry, it's my cat, she's a pain. Fuck off cat!
Cat: [He's been here 90 mins so I'm gonna assume he's your boyfriend now. Gettin comfy.]
I really need a new work flat where the layout allows me to shut her out :-[
My cat always stays in the room I work in ;D no one can move her, it's her house ;D
-
When you're 90 mins into a 2hr booking and your cat decides to make an unscheduled appearance on the bed. Like literally ON THE BED.
Him: WTF?
Me: I'm so sorry, it's my cat, she's a pain. Fuck off cat!
Cat: [He's been here 90 mins so I'm gonna assume he's your boyfriend now. Gettin comfy.]
I really need a new work flat where the layout allows me to shut her out :-[
Love this, used to happen to me a lot in my flat, she would be hidden in the cloth wardrobe and just jump out half way through! I have 3 cats now and one of them meow's outside the work room door frequently! I wonder whether I should put it on my profile that you must like cats?! I do worry what if someone turns up who has an allergy, but then I think nah, fuck 'em. I got plenty antihistamines! I also prefer my clients who are nice to and stop and fuss my cats! One cat will go to anyone but my boy cat only likes women so if he's nice to a punter I tend to think they must be pretty special! Sorry to go so off topic about cats, but well hey, cats!
-
Him "will anyone else be there?"
Me " well my gay lodger will be in his room but he doesn't come up and watch or anything!"
-
'What can I get for 30?'
'A weeks shop at Aldi'
Oh boy that's too good!!!
-
Thank God, idiots asking for discounts and 15min quickie didn't hassle me so much this week....
-
Was reading Little Red Riding Hood to my little niece this morning - she's at at an age where she wants the same story read again, and again, and again. So it was in my head.
So, having left and then checked into my incall property, meet client who has a big thing about being told he has a really huge cock. After about 15 mins I zone out slightly... And said before I realised "What a big cock you have..... GRANDMA"
Don't think he'll be coming back!
-
Was reading Little Red Riding Hood to my little niece this morning - she's at at an age where she wants the same story read again, and again, and again. So it was in my head.
So, having left and then checked into my incall property, meet client who has a big thing about being told he has a really huge cock. After about 15 mins I zone out slightly... And said before I realised "What a big cock you have..... GRANDMA"
Don't think he'll be coming back!
Oh god this is gold! ;D ;D ;D
-
Him..How much do you charge?
Me...Don't you want to know what I offer?
Him..OK
Me..A full GFE.
Him...Whats that?
Me...You don't know what a GFE is?
Him..No
Me...Google it.
I end the call.
-
A guy calls that I've seen twice and then he got unreliable, he books for Friday all apologies about previous fuck ups. I took the booking for 6pm, I have a 3 hour booking before him.
Him. I promise I'll be there, sorry about last few times.
Me. I don't really care if you cancel, I'm over target for this month so far so makes no difference and I can finish early and go the the pub with my friends.
-
Hotel incalls day today. I left the curtains open because I like a bit of daylight in the room, also I'm a bit of an exhibitionist
Him: Erm, do you think anyone can see through the window?
Me: I don't think so.
Him: You don't THINK so?...
Me: Yeah, I'll just shut them shall I ;D
-
Text received- Are you discrete?
My reply-No. I have a big sign with flashing red lights outside my door."
I actually said something very similar 2 weeks ago when a client asked if my place was discrete and I replied 'No theres a big red light that say's A HOOKER LIVES HERE'!! honestly....
-
Sorry (not sorry) but *loves the cat and gives it scrubbles*.
I love cat logic.
My two cats often poke their noses around the corner after about 3/4 of an hour when the time is up and I go from naughty Amy to Mummy with weird cat talk in a second. My punters know what I'm like. Cats rule!
-
I actually said something very similar 2 weeks ago when a client asked if my place was discrete and I replied 'No theres a big red light that say's A HOOKER LIVES HERE'!! honestly....
On a similar note.
I always take the used condom and put it into that tiny white bin bag. A client once asked me what I'm going to do with it...? I said "oh it goes on eBay for 50 quid my dear" ;D
Now I have that joke with most my clients saying "ok here's my eBay income". Had a lovely hot guy today and we were laughing crazy saying he is intelligent and hot so I would sell it double price.
Sometimes I make a funny face and say "hmmmm this one is for my CSI collection"
-
On a similar note.
I always take the used condom and put it into that tiny white bin bag. A client once asked me what I'm going to do with it...? I said "oh it goes on eBay for 50 quid my dear" ;D
Now I have that joke with most my clients saying "ok here's my eBay income". Had a lovely hot guy today and we were laughing crazy saying he is intelligent and hot so I would sell it double price.
Sometimes I make a funny face and say "hmmmm this one is for my CSI collection"
I sometimes pretend that I'm putting their used condoms into the freezer and saving them for a later date to make babies!!!! Honestly their faces....But then rightly so 😂😂😂😂😂😂
-
'What turns you on?' - text from client
'Money' - me
-
Boundary pushing client: are you available on Saturday?
Me: no
GPC : how about on Sunday?
Me: I'm booked.
GOC: do you still want me to book you? (after expecting free over nighters, going out for drinks etc)
Me: hell, No! You have your local brothels haven't you? (After trying to put him off gently first without any success)
-
'What turns you on?' - text from client
'Money' - me
Lol....But then what do they expect tbh?!
-
Lol....But then what do they expect tbh?!
Sexting, thats what he expected there haha.
Dunno if its just me but ive had a stream of young lads lately telling me how much 'ill enjoy them'
I shoot them down in flames - 'well i dont orgasm with clients so i can guarentee wont'
I do enjoy my time with clients, but these types get my back up! They usually want a discount or services i dont offer just because theyre 'young and good looking'.
Attractiveness is the eye of the beholder pal, pay up, come and feck off :FF ;D
-
Hotel incalls day today. I left the curtains open because I like a bit of daylight in the room, also I'm a bit of an exhibitionist
Him: Erm, do you think anyone can see through the window?
Me: I don't think so.
Him: You don't THINK so?...
Me: Yeah, I'll just shut them shall I ;D
What is it with men in general and curtains? lol, this sounds like me and my boyfriend too he's always moaning that he wants the blinds shut, I'm on like the 4th floor of an apartment block who is going to see through those windows? All they'd see if they could is what they are missing out on ;D
-
What is it with men in general and curtains? lol, this sounds like me and my boyfriend too he's always moaning that he wants the blinds shut, I'm on like the 4th floor of an apartment block who is going to see through those windows? All they'd see if they could is what they are missing out on ;D
I know, it's like they think their wives have hired a private detective who's going to suddenly appear with a ladder and a camera :D
-
I know, it's like they think their wives have hired a private detective who's going to suddenly appear with a ladder and a camera :D
I shut the curtains but I have my nice lamp plus candles or use all those bed lamps in a hotel because yes I like to show off a bit hahaha.
A guy last week just stood up and went to switch off most lights except for one. I thought shit am I that ugly :FF
-
Bid on RB for a holiday... got this before booking date... at 5.20pm the day before, RB was up for a month
Him: Hi, I've just been let down by the girl I was going with, so I wonder if you're still available to come with me? Also, the bag drop at Gatwick is 0420-0540 tomorrow - if it will be a problem for you to get there, please let me know your home town so I can pick you up. Cheers.
Me: Lol, you're funny
Lowest rate is 250.
Him: Hi bby. Would you come to premier inn London bank for ?60
Me: I'd be happy to give you the ?190 discount but Premier Inn's abit chavvy for me
Him: hi i see you dont offer incalls is this because you dont have a place to do incalls . if that is the case i can help i have a 1 bed flat in nw2 you could you if you need to.
Me: If I wanted to rent somewhere I would do it without the help of someone called shyvirginwatcher thanks (now known as roomforbookings ::))
-
My cat always stays in the room I work in ;D no one can move her, it's her house ;D
I have 3 and they have free roam. Had a client once say 'time to shut out the kitties'.... um, nope! (said it more politely than that lol) They don't bother me during work 99% of the time, so why would I shut them out.
-
I was about an hour into a 3 hour booking once and I all of a sudden realised, the backgate was open and my dog was outside. I shot up shouting "oh shit", pulled my gown on and ran outside calling for my dog, he brought himself home about an hour later after I notified the dogwarden they might pick up a Jack Russell somewhere.
Today I have been married to said client for a year lol.
-
Bid on RB for a holiday... got this before booking date... at 5.20pm the day before, RB was up for a month
Him: Hi, I've just been let down by the girl I was going with, so I wonder if you're still available to come with me? Also, the bag drop at Gatwick is 0420-0540 tomorrow - if it will be a problem for you to get there, please let me know your home town so I can pick you up. Cheers.
Me: Lol, you're funny
Lowest rate is 250.
Him: Hi bby. Would you come to premier inn London bank for ?60
Me: I'd be happy to give you the ?190 discount but Premier Inn's abit chavvy for me
Him: hi i see you dont offer incalls is this because you dont have a place to do incalls . if that is the case i can help i have a 1 bed flat in nw2 you could you if you need to.
Me: If I wanted to rent somewhere I would do it without the help of someone called shyvirginwatcher thanks (now known as roomforbookings ::))
Oh th? RB such a delight!
So that twat emails me once saying he's interested in booking me and would I go check his RB.
I never did.
Then next morning he texts me saying "hi it's blablabla from RB are you *still* interested?"
Me: I never said I was.
-
Him: Are you doing the tours advertised on your profile? xxx
Me: No. I created those as a work of fiction. I'm hoping to win the Booker prize.
-
Text received " I would like to visit now"
Reply "I will be ready in half an hour"
He replies "No good. Need to come now"
I reply "Ok. Come now but I haven't showered and my underarms, feet and fanny really stink."
+1000 Well Said OP
-
Reality of being a man! I know I shouldn't be so rude! ;D
Punter: we are destined to be together. Me: I think of you more like a brother. Can I call you, bro?
Punter: I'm thinking of moving closer to see you more often. What do you think of these towns (names of nearby towns). Me: these are better avoided. Suggesting further areas.
-
Irrelevant dunce-Can I come see you at 8pm for an hour?
Me-Ok, gives postcode, call when near for door number
Irrelevant dunce- 1 hour for ?100 OK?
Me- Sorry I got my period, shit my pants and stink, but my male escort friend can fuck you hard up the ass for that price
Irrelevant dunce-Silence
-
Irrelevant dunce-Can I come see you at 8pm for an hour?
Me-Ok, gives postcode, call when near for door number
Irrelevant dunce- 1 hour for ?100 OK?
Me- Sorry I got my period, shit my pants and stink, but my male escort friend can fuck you hard up the ass for that price
Irrelevant dunce-Silence
Imagine his face reading that!
hahaha
-
Answering my work phone on Friday in the pub with some friends, we were all quite drunk and my friend shouted into my phone, 'Are you her punter with the tiny cock?'
Luckily he wasn't a reg and he sounded like an idiot anyway, one of the Ali G crew so wasn't too bothered.
-
When I try to put clients off they want to see me again.
-
A treat from yesterday.
Him: Would you be free for an outcall tonight at 9? (called at 7pm)
Me: I've just finished eating a kipper hun, so only if you're particularly fond of minty fish breath.
He rather understandably declined.
-
My new strategy when I don't like the sound of them is just using the word vanilla until they hang up on me ;D
So it's vanilla GFE with gentle kissing and cuddling and relaxation... Do I do anal? Oh noooo, it's a real genuine VANILLA GFE. Do I do deep throat? No, sorry, I specialise in a GENTLE VANILLA GFE. I repeat vanilla at least ten times in one minute and quickly ask what time they want to see me...
No need to block them. I'm sure they will never call again :)
-
My new strategy when I don't like the sound of them is just using the word vanilla until they hang up on me ;D
So it's vanilla GFE with gentle kissing and cuddling and relaxation... Do I do anal? Oh noooo, it's a real genuine VANILLA GFE. Do I do deep throat? No, sorry, I specialise in a GENTLE VANILLA GFE. I repeat vanilla at least ten times in one minute and quickly ask what time they want to see me...
No need to block them. I'm sure they will never call again :)
Great I must try it usually I ask them to phone back in 10 minutes.
-
Great I must try it usually I ask them to phone back in 10 minutes.
Try this. Sound clingy and desperate. Make sure that when you pronounce GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE you put the emphasis on GIRLFRIEND...
just had a guy panic this morning and tell me it sounded "too complicated"! Well yes, but he sounded like an arsehole.
I'm having so much fun doing it!!!
-
Deny services making excuses even though do them. One shit bag wanted to finger me with shit stuck behind his nails I told him straight. No more caring sod him.
-
Try this. Sound clingy and desperate. Make sure that when you pronounce GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE you put the emphasis on GIRLFRIEND...
just had a guy panic this morning and tell me it sounded "too complicated"! Well yes, but he sounded like an arsehole.
I'm having so much fun doing it!!!
The next one I will try this with, there are alot of pricks in Belfast. Yes I am on a hate men rage today. Not to you Aqua. Xx
-
Webcam.
He comes in the room, I saw hi how are you, etc. Take my bra off.
He says "I love hearing about taboos that girls have tried!"
I say, "Oh man, I used to love that stuff. Taboo and lemonade. It was the taste of the 80s! And the other one they did. Midori? No, Mirage. That one was too sweet for me but Taboo was more peach flavoured. God it got you hammered quickly!"
He says "Not the drink. Sexual taboos."
Me: "Like what?"
He left the room ;D
-
Webcam.
He comes in the room, I saw hi how are you, etc. Take my bra off.
He says "I love hearing about taboos that girls have tried!"
I say, "Oh man, I used to love that stuff. Taboo and lemonade. It was the taste of the 80s! And the other one they did. Midori? No, Mirage. That one was too sweet for me but Taboo was more peach flavoured. God it got you hammered quickly!"
He says "Not the drink. Sexual taboos."
Me: "Like what?"
He left the room ;D
Ha love it. We should take them literally more often. Or maybe they should learn better communication skills???!!!
-
Webcam again.
Him: What's your ultimate fantasy?
Me: To be the Doctor's companion in the TARDIS.
Him: I meant sexual
Me: To shag the Doctor in the TARDIS.
...kaching
-
The one I get nearly all the time:
Profile clearly states dont do 30mins
Client: do you do 30mins?
Me: no sorry, one hour min please
Client: oh ok, so chance of seeing each other for 30mins?
me: well unless your willing to pay me my hour rate and stay for 30mins only....
That soon shuts them up! ::)
Time is money honey! ;D
-
Webcam again.
Him: What's your ultimate fantasy?
Me: To be the Doctor's companion in the TARDIS.
Him: I meant sexual
Me: To shag the Doctor in the TARDIS.
...kaching
;D Yes! For me, preferably the David Tennant Doctor though
And I find it puts clients off when I'm no nonsense down the phone. They prefer simpering and pandering to, and I find myself frequently not in the mood
-
;D Yes! For me, preferably the David Tennant Doctor though
And I find it puts clients off when I'm no nonsense down the phone. They prefer simpering and pandering to, and I find myself frequently not in the mood
I know he?s an oldie but I find Peter Calpaldi oddly attractive so he would be my dream tardis date.
I am always businesslike but friendly on the phone and if they don?t like it then tough I don?t want them as clients!
-
Client "what's the difference between 1/2 hr and 1 hr"
Me "1 hr is longer"
Phone down lol
-
Client "what's the difference between 1/2 hr and 1 hr"
Me "1 hr is longer"
Phone down lol
lol good one but would of been tempted to reply back 'err I get paid more for the hour'
Think for sure phone still would of been cut off answering like that too! ;D
-
Client "what's the difference between 1/2 hr and 1 hr"
Me "1 hr is longer"
Phone down lol
To be fair it used to be (many years ago) that the length of booking determined the services...For example a basic would be half hour of sex, longer could be more 'exotic' services..RO etc..
-
:) some great replies to jerks who clearly don't have any clue .
Must try some
Thanks ladies very entertaining
-
It says very clearly on my profile that I do not travel outside of the city I work from for new clients.
But I occasionally get emails from people who clearly think that doesn't apply to them! So I always email them back with something along the lines of, 'Well I'm sure you've noticed but as per my profile, I don't normally travel outside of Sheffield for outcalls but I'm more than happy to make an exception for you on this occasion, it'll be (eg) ?250 for the hour and that will include my travel costs to get to you and I'll also require ?50 of that as a deposit upfront to pay for my taxi there.'
I don't normally hear from them again after that ;D
-
It says very clearly on my profile that I do not travel outside of the city I work from for new clients.
But I occasionally get emails from people who clearly think that doesn't apply to them! So I always email them back with something along the lines of, 'Well I'm sure you've noticed but as per my profile, I don't normally travel outside of Sheffield for outcalls but I'm more than happy to make an exception for you on this occasion, it'll be (eg) ?250 for the hour and that will include my travel costs to get to you and I'll also require ?50 of that as a deposit upfront to pay for my taxi there.'
I don't normally hear from them again after that ;D
Oh yes I get requests for similar also would I tour all the way out to some God forsaken place where that member happens to live .. of course I have nothing better to do or waste my money on :'(
-
I know he?s an oldie but I find Peter Calpaldi oddly attractive so he would be my dream tardis date.
I am always businesslike but friendly on the phone and if they don?t like it then tough I don?t want them as clients!
Actually ;) there is something about Peter Capaldi...
Today I had someone who just raised the hairs on the back of my neck,just strange on the phonecall, way too interested in my security measures. I said not to worry, my 3 brothers will be upstairs just in case. He hung up on me ;D
-
Him "Not been in to this long so bit unsure. So you know I'm a clean white discreet male 56yr"
Me " Hun, you contacted me February 2016 but didn't visit. If unsure then google search 'how to book an escort' there's plenty of sound advice online"
Aaaaand the sound of silence!
My new favourite piece of advice is to google 'how to book an escort' for any guy who says he's new or fucks about!
-
Him " Are you daring?"
Me " Daring?"
Him " will you answer the door naked?"
Me "I think sleeping with strangers for money is pretty daring. Answering the door naked is just stupid and I'm not stupid"
More silence!
-
Him " Are you daring?"
Me " Daring?"
Him " will you answer the door naked?"
Me "I think sleeping with strangers for money is pretty daring. Answering the door naked is just stupid and I'm not stupid"
More silence!
pmsl awww thanks for this. Made me laugh so much and after the last meet I had, needed a laugh. Some people eh? ::) xx
-
pmsl awww thanks for this. Made me laugh so much and after the last meet I had, needed a laugh. Some people eh? ::) xx
Sorry you had a bad meet - chin up love, yeh if I don't laugh I'll cry! I have no tolerance to stupid atm!
-
Sorry you had a bad meet - chin up love, yeh if I don't laugh I'll cry! I have no tolerance to stupid atm!
Very true! Thats my motto in life! awww thanks. Wish you a good rest of the day and weekend. Stay safe xx
-
Him " Are you daring?"
Me " Daring?"
Him " will you answer the door naked?"
Me "I think sleeping with strangers for money is pretty daring. Answering the door naked is just stupid and I'm not stupid"
More silence!
Nicely done. ;D
-
run out of petrol on a motorway sliproad 5 miles from the clients house whilst already running 3 hours late text client begging to be rescued and proceed to push car up motorway sliproad whilst wearing a short skirt with no underwear thus flashing your vagina at the whole world when client arrives ensure face is nice and red and you are still wearing the rather fetching flouresent emergency jacket :FF then ensure he drives you round for at least an hour after the meeting looking for a garage that is open at 5 am and selling jerry cans luckily it happened with my nice regular and he was very kind about it
[formatting edited]
-
Client called usual crap oh his last working girl moved away and he's looking for a new regular he's never met me before so I kindly reminded him that if he comes visit and likes me we can take it from there.
He was disappointed I could hear it in his voice but I'm not flattered by bullshit
Probably a time waster anyway
-
Him "Not been in to this long so bit unsure. So you know I'm a clean white discreet male 56yr"
Me " Hun, you contacted me February 2016 but didn't visit. If unsure then google search 'how to book an escort' there's plenty of sound advice online"
Aaaaand the sound of silence!
My new favourite piece of advice is to google 'how to book an escort' for any guy who says he's new or fucks about!
I hate it when they feel the need to tell you about themselves like its a date or like they are trying to impress you or something.
Client:I'm a 57 yr old professional white guy, working in management blah blah blah"
Me:Do you have my fee?
-
Just be honest with them. :)
One today he just laid still and wouldn't cooperate when I asked him what he likes. I laughed out loud looking him straight in the eyes. Telling him about my happiness and you laying there like a sausage hilarious. :)
He then kept saying for me to lead the way so I wanked him.
He looked zonked out falling asleep.
Funny.... He enjoyed still the oral until I just wasn't trying. Telling him that I have got a lot to do after him. Plus that I said I have alot of regulars so if he doesn't come back it doesn't matter. :)
Clients no long get in to my frustration feelings. I rebuke themwith confidence. In the end he left thank goodness. :)
-
Client, midday booking: "I'm the first guy you've seen today, right?"
Me, thinking I should probably just say yes to protect the fragile client ego: "Actually you're number 8"
-
Client, midday booking: "I'm the first guy you've seen today, right?"
Me, thinking I should probably just say yes to protect the fragile client ego: "Actually you're number 8"
;D ;D ;D
-
A text tonight:
Moron: Hi sweetie how much for just a blow job x
Me: ?200
Moron: Do you swallow
Me: Yes ( for 200 for 15 minutes I'll gargle with the fucking stuff) ;D
Moron: How much for anal
Me: ?200000
Funnily enough he hasn't booked lol
-
Do you squirt !
Yes washing up liquid but only on the very odd occasion !
Actually sent this the other day .
Also 'I'm def coming to see you' !
I decide that not you !
Ok if you don't need my money .....
Nope I'm ok but I'm sure somebody else really does !
( just to add I do need money but not theirs) ha