Utensils! Love it!

If you also supplied the condiments and can of Irn Bru, maybe he would have treated you to a fish'n'chip supper afterwards..

   Like an OAP hairdresser discount?   Oh ..... has anyone noticed something?   I see quite a lot of 'elderly' men in their twilight years (usually very nice men) and they are at pains to tell me 'how much they love their wives etc' but their wife won't do sex at all and so on.  Some sympathy there until the bedroom action starts and I end up thinking 'No bloody wonder???!!!!'

LMAO...Me and Cat soooooo know what you mean!

Got these last night from B1G0NE on AW, I'm guessing that's Big One, not Bi Gone lol:

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Hi I'm gaz fit muscular young hung horny guy 29 from Washington near newcastle. Are you free tonight? would love to meet you can accom, come to you or meet outdoors for car fun?


077379504**

Gaz
x

Market research time:

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Hi Gaz!

Can I just ask did you read my profile at all?

I've put a lot of effort into making it as easy as possible to read, but I find I still get emails like yours, asking if I'm free on short notice on a Saturday night despite my profile saying

"Working hours: Out Calls - 9am to 7pm Mon to Fri - Late Evenings and Weekends with Advanced Booking Only.

In Calls - 10am to 4pm Monday to Friday- See In Call Tab for Details."

In bold and underlined and on the first page, as well as on 2 other pages.

So I would value your insight, please don't think I am being rude, but I would love to know what made you email me tonight?

Thanks

XxX

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yeah sorry was just really keen to see u tonight so i thought i would try my luck. sorry for bothering you x

Oh wow! So maybe I'm making a break through training them one by one!  

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No problem hun, was just looking for a guys POV to improve my profile

Thanks

XxX

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no problem. so u not free at all tonight? x

Or maybe not  

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Nope, I am never available on a weekend or evening unless we arrange it before hand

XxX

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awwww gutted so wanted to see u, im fit young hung horny guy 29, only after sampling your bj skills would be quick meet? x

Yes because I'm going to get out of my nice warm bed at 11pm, say taraa to my boyfriend, hoping he doesn't ask where I'm going and meet this young stud for a quick shag in the bushes, or travel all the way to his place for the privilege of what will probably he a rather crumpled ?20...

This guy is back, calling and texting me at 2am most nights despite the conversation above so last night I had enough and sent him this:

I noticed you have no escort feedback, so here are some helpful hints when dealing with escorts.


 8 simple rules to booking an escort:


1. Read her profile, absorb the information and understand that it applies to you.

2. Look at her working hours. If she says she doesn't work nights consider she may have a partner, children or arrangements with friends, none of which she can just walk out on for the joy of a 30min roll in the hay.

3. Look at her prices and the length of appointment she offers. Often you will notice she has set a minimum.  Offering to see her for less than that minimum is NOT an incentive! You are essentially offering her less money for more hassle.

4. Look at her services offered. There are some things she will love, some things she will hate. It's likely that she has tried everything at least twice and if she says she doesn't like something it is not because she hasn't been doing it right without you.

5. Look at her location and if she offers in calls or out calls. She may not live alone and would find it hard to explain you coming and going at silly o clock in the morning, especially if she has a partner! She may also not want to go schlepping around the country at that time either.

6. Look at how she wants to be contacted. She will ask you to contact her in the most convenient way for her which will optimise your chance of getting a booking. It's unlikely she will ask for smoke signals or carrier pigeon if these methods haven't been found to work for her.

7. Speak to her with respect. You are not ordering a pizza or a taxi. You are asking for a human being to provide you with the most intimate servces imaginable. If you piss her off the booking is unlikely to go well, if it happens at all.

8. Do not ask for discount/freebies/personal details or a date. Unless you are willing to hand over your name, address, bank details, mothers maiden name and how you get a discount on your rent, bills and shopping, this will not go down well. Also, do you really think she doesn't have enough penisis in her life without adding one more for free?

Follow these simple instructions and  you will be on your way to a happy booking with a lovely lady. Tune in next week for Pre-Punt instructions

Two messages this weekend;

"Do you do Escorts?"
"Call me back"

Both in written form, from unrecognised sources. Needless to say I didn't.

I got one just saying "Call me back" too, why do they think that will get them anywhere?

I also got a call last week that went like this

Me  - Hello
Him - Hi are you open
Me  -  (to my buddy)  (to him) erm... I'm available today
My buddy - *shoves her fist in her mouth to stifle the giggles*
Him - Ok where are you?
Me - Near Newcastle
Him - Ok thanks, bye

The bank holiday must have scrambled all their brains! Today I have had...

4 messages left on AW from over bank holiday weekend going " I wanted to call you for an appointment but your number isn't displayed, whyyyyyy???"

Well good sir, if you look right at the top of my profile you will see that it says, in BOLD, that I am away for the entire bank holiday weekend. Do you possibly think I may have removed my number for that reason, hmmmm?

A phone call from a man at 3pm informing me he was near my flat and ready to be directed there for our appointment. All well and good but his booking wasn't until 3.30pm. When I informed him of this he insisted that I had said 3pm and that he wanted to come and see me there and then. Well be my guest mate if you want me unshowered and smelling of my last client! Eventually he put the phone down and I took great delight in forwarding to him the texts that we had exchanged to confirm his booking at 3.30pm. I'm still waiting for a response funnily enough

The guy who emailed me over weekend and I replied telling him my availability for this week. He then emailed me back saying "Cool, well let me know when you are back in London". I took a deep breath and kindly replied saying I had given him my availability already and it was up to him to let me know if he wanted to arrange a booking. He relied going "OK, what days are you free?" <<headdesks until my brains fall out of my ears>>

Not so much a call but when I saw a guy about 6 years ago he paid me out of his change jar, amazing how heavy ?150 is in change!

Okay ladies here's a charmer from AW.

Comes into freeview asking if I'm available for an overnight tomorrow.

After a short chat I ask what time, he says he'll email me. I go to read the email expecting the booking details and the conversation goes like this:

lonelyheart2: you can add me to msn on idiotloser@hotmail.co.uk xxxxx
me: (ignoring such request) Hi there, I am available for tomorrow evening, To confirm though I will need hotel and a booking start time. and of course room number when you have it but I'll need it before I leave. cheers
lonelyheart2: add me to msn please xx
me: That is not an option sorry
lonelyheart2: well fuck you
lonelyheart2: giving you my money is not an option either so fuck off

eh..charming!

One to add to your ignore list ladies