Got this text out of the blue this morning (addressed to my working name):

"I fone up the Butcher today & i ask him has he got pigs feet he said yes  i ask him what shoe shop dus he use "

When I first read it I felt quite ill because I'm vegetarian and I thought it was a request for some kind of fetish involving pigs feet. But apparently it's an attempt at a joke. Not the first time I've randomly been sent bad taste jokes, I had a client a few years ago who I met once and would then text vaguely (and very) racist jokes to me every few months, I assumed he was one of those idiots who forwards 'funny' texts/emails on to his entire contact list and didn't realise he was sending it to the escort he met once.

Couple days ago I had a boy phone and say 'do you provide a full mature service?' I said what do you mean he said 'do you do the older lady service'.

If I ever get that again I will say oh you want me to whip you with my walking stick and tie you to my zimmerframe?

Email received today:

Subject: Call me NOW 0123456789

Email content: (BLANK)


Yeah. Let me just bow down to your demands instantly, Mr Complete Random Stranger 

Me today.
Phone ringing crazy since 8am.

Number 1) lovely incall. All good.
Number 2) spoke to him, rescheduled my regular for later. No show.
Number 3) he actually thought that when he sent me the email with the hotel it meant he booked me. So when he called to say he was late I just asked "late for what please?"
Number 4) was my regular who in the end couldn't do the time I suggested so I made him waste his morning for nothing.
Number 5) was top. He called me trying to speak with a very posh accent (why? Oh but why?) He then asked me my rates, my dress size, my...profile name (!!!!!). When he asked me if size 14 is much bigger than size 8 I kind of lost it and told him to just f*** off.
Number 6) emailed saying he wants to book but has no credit could I call him back. Ok but how on earth will you pay me then, you dumb thing???

Ok. For one day it's enough. I'm in bed and drinking nice wine. Won't pick up until tomorrow !

Call today.
The guy asked: are you free in one hour?
Me, yes I am.

Guy: ok, let me get back to you as I ait for another girl to confirm.

Me: ok. Then blocked 

If he was smart, he wouldnt mention the other girl at all and I would have had answer his blocked call 5 minutes later.

His loss, as I gain a new lovely future regular instead of the idiot.

'I really like your ad offering domme services and would like to explore my submissive side. Insert long text about what they want out of a session, how intelligent they are, how good looking etc. But, I hope you understand since I am a student/unemployed I can not afford your fee. Would you consider a free date?'

Delete!!!! On the odd occasion I did reply I inadvertently started a discussion. I ended it with saying: you don't walk into a Louis Vuitton store saying you really like and want this bag, it would look great on you but hey.... you can not afford and can they please give it to you. If the answer is no, please don't ask me this question. 

He calls this morning. I really couldn't make much out of his English but he sounded nice. Asks for Thu.

Then I get this:
"Yes please tell me this agent or private"

Followed by this:
"You have any under agency. .or you warking your self"

Finally this:
"Is fine because I don't like agency true not cleaning. ..not good service."

Okkkk so does he want a cleaning lady??? Or what???

Text today.
"Can I fuck your anal?"

Id want to reply with I don't have one !