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Author Topic: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.  (Read 12291 times)

secretcallgirl91

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finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« on: 20 May 2012, 05:30:39 pm »
I began escorting a couple of months ago as I'd split from my boyfriend, was skint and felt my life was not getting anywhere.
I dealt with a lot as a child and teenager that no one should deal with. I was in regular contact with mental health because I was suicidal and felt so alone.
I got through school and passed my GCSE's, got a few NVQ's at college but not enough to give me a career.

When I contacted the escort agency I thought I'll see how this goes if I enjoy I will carry on and save to go travelling and save towards going back into education later on (want to be a Social worker and Councillor).

When I started escorting in my first couple of weeks my ex begged for me back and cried infront of all my friends his undying love for me  :-\ I gave him a chance. I couldn't keep up with the lying...anyone who knows the real me away from escorting knows I am the most honest, truthful, genuine and laid back person ever. So to lie to my boyfriend and look into his eyes when he said he loved me was too much to handle. I broke up with him because I love this job too much.

The next day I found out I was pregnant. (i know it is his as I conceived when I wasn't working) so I decided to give it ago.
I have carried on escorting which I hate myself for. but I am so worried about providing for my child I don't know how I am going to find the money to give it a best start if I don't carry on.

Me and my boyfriend are constantly arguing because I am lying to him about where I am and he feels I dont open upto him.
But I feel unhappy in the relationship because I feel like I dont get enough respect from him and I'm his slave.
I feel trapped. I am lucky to have this child and for my boyfriend to stick around as many men do run and dont want anything to do with their child especially at 18.

I know I shouldn't carry on escorting if I want this relationship to work and to have a nice family.
But I don't know how to come away from escorting, I love it so much. I feel trapped I wanted to follow my dreams and although a child is the best gift and you can never be ready for it, I feel I haven't lived my life. Abortion is out of the question.

Soon I will be showing and so many employers wont take me on because of maternity leave and I will be restricted to what I can do so I cant find a normal job.
Would just like some advice or help how to come away from it all and go back to being a normal person?
I dont want my boyfriend to ever find out and disown me and the baby and I dont want to break his heart.
I am so confused I am just going on now. I cant think straight. x
Sometimes it's not the youngest or the richest clients you want or the ones you have most in common with.

For me the perfect partner is one where I never have to be myself.

ana30

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #1 on: 20 May 2012, 07:09:15 pm »
You're putting yourself through an incredible amount of stress. If you continue down this road yours and your unborn baby's health are going to suffer (mental and physical) as you're putting him under a lot of distress. It's not about you anymore, because it's 2 of you. So you need to stop now. You can't have a baby, be an escort, have a boyfriend and keep a double life. Nobody can. Not even wonderwoman. You need to get rid of 2 things from the equation in order to go back to normality and regain your sanity. Which two? You decide.

You say abortion is out of the question (tick one). You have 3 left, still need to get rid of 2. Boyfriend? double life? escort job?
Personally if I were in your shoes and I really really wanted to keep the baby I would get rid of the escort job and the double life and tell the boyfriend he needs to take care of me (both emotional & financial wise) till the baby is born. End off. He's the father, right? He is responsible for the baby too. Once the baby is 8 months I would get back to work and then figure out what to do. If your man can't take care of you financially and you can't stop working, then... sorry to be the first one to break you the news , -I don't want to sound condescendent- but you're not ready to have a baby in this moment of your life neither fit to be a mother.
« Last Edit: 20 May 2012, 07:53:43 pm by Ana30 »
"Sex work is real work, being a landlord isn't" - Graffitti seen on a wall.

LouLou37

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #2 on: 20 May 2012, 07:13:16 pm »
-
« Last Edit: 13 May 2015, 02:57:56 pm by LouLou37 »
"Good things come to those who hustle" Anais Nin

LouLou37

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #3 on: 20 May 2012, 07:31:11 pm »
You need to really take a look at the situation with your boyfriend very very clearly (try to take emotions out of it) and ask yourself this - Can he and will he  1) Get and keep a job (does he already?) to provide and support you whilst you are pregnant and will he pull his weight when the baby is born (ie keep the job, or else look after the home and child whilst you work etc)? and 2) Does he treat you right? I don't mean by this that you never fall out and he never says a bad word to you. I mean does he generally treat you well and with basic respect vast majority of time? you will know this deep down if you try not to get blindsided by the love thoughts and his begging and stuff. If the answer is no, then he will only drag you down, add to your depression and being a mother is difficult enough without that. I think that is the real question here that you need to base your decision on.

I wouldn't feel guilty about you stress affecting the pregnancy - the situation is what it is, abortion IS an option but not what you have chosen, and that is just the way it is. Just do what you need to do, keep moving forward and eating healthily, going to medical appointments and I'm sure you and the baby will be fine. I was extremely stressed throughout my first pregnancy and the buba was fine. It's not ideal but as long as you keep taking steps to reduce the stress and get things in place then don't beat yourself up about it.  :D       
"Good things come to those who hustle" Anais Nin

secretcallgirl91

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #4 on: 20 May 2012, 07:54:55 pm »
You're putting yourself through an incredible amount of stress. If you continue down this road yours and your unborn baby's health are going to suffer (mental and physical) as you're putting him under a lot of distress. It's not about you anymore, because it's 2 of you. So you need to stop now. You can't have a baby, be an escort, have a boyfriend and keep a double life. Nobody can. Not even wonderwoman. You need to get rid of 2 things from the equation in order to go back to normality and regain your sanity. Which two? You decide.


That is the reason for this post, I know right from wrong, I don't need telling, I need help to try and get out of the situation I am in as I am finding it difficult, some things you cant help.

I don't want to sound condescendent- but you're not ready to have a baby in this moment of your life neither fit to be a mother.

I disagree and I think that is rather harsh to say I am not fit to be a mother.

Sorry for the huge post  ;D You just need to focus on seeing the realities and taking it one careful step at a time.

Thank you for the huge post Lou, I appreciate it.
I didn't realize I would be entitled to those benefits regardless of work etc. I have a normal job with my dad but he only gave me the job to help towards saving for the baby I do part time 3 hours a day mon-fri and get 100.00 a week for that but that goes straight on rent, food and must have essentials. All escorting money is put away in savings. But I am not making any money from that job to save for the baby. My boyfriend works but he is fcuking shit with money so I know I need to make an income if I dont want to live in a run down flat and have nothing for the baby. Some of my friends say they manage and have lots of money and other friends say they have nothing and are in debt :/ so I guess its how you spend the benefits you are given?
And my boyfriend moans if he doesn't get sex when he wants it, he comes to my house turns my telly on gets in bed and takes over the sky box, expects me to slave over him and make him drinks and shit and leaves his rubbish all over my floor! he moans i don't work the same hours as him and its my fault that he goes out drinking and spends all his money cause im at work so I cant occupy him! then on my days off he goes down the pub in a strop cause he doesn't get his own way.
I used to be a mug and let him get away with it but now I'm not standing for it he doesn't like the fact he's not in control.

I wish I could just walk away like that from this job :/ maybe do less and less hours until I do so few and then stop?
Its hard to stop like that because I want as much money for my baby as possible and want him or her to have a nice home x
« Last Edit: 20 May 2012, 07:56:46 pm by secretcallgirl91 »
Sometimes it's not the youngest or the richest clients you want or the ones you have most in common with.

For me the perfect partner is one where I never have to be myself.

secretcallgirl91

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #5 on: 20 May 2012, 08:01:06 pm »
You need to really take a look at the situation with your boyfriend very very clearly (try to take emotions out of it) and ask yourself this - Can he and will he  1) Get and keep a job (does he already?) to provide and support you whilst you are pregnant and will he pull his weight when the baby is born (ie keep the job, or else look after the home and child whilst you work etc)? and 2) Does he treat you right? I don't mean by this that you never fall out and he never says a bad word to you. I mean does he generally treat you well and with basic respect vast majority of time? you will know this deep down if you try not to get blindsided by the love thoughts and his begging and stuff. If the answer is no, then he will only drag you down, add to your depression and being a mother is difficult enough without that. I think that is the real question here that you need to base your decision on.

I wouldn't feel guilty about you stress affecting the pregnancy - the situation is what it is, abortion IS an option but not what you have chosen, and that is just the way it is. Just do what you need to do, keep moving forward and eating healthily, going to medical appointments and I'm sure you and the baby will be fine. I was extremely stressed throughout my first pregnancy and the buba was fine. It's not ideal but as long as you keep taking steps to reduce the stress and get things in place then don't beat yourself up about it.  :D       


Thank you for your kind positive words, advice and support.
I really do want whats best for my baby, I just wish I had an easier way out of it right now x
Sometimes it's not the youngest or the richest clients you want or the ones you have most in common with.

For me the perfect partner is one where I never have to be myself.

xprincesspx

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #6 on: 20 May 2012, 08:02:23 pm »
Gosh you must be feeling so mixed up at the moment sweetie so big hugs and kisses from me x

You sound like a lovely caring person so definetly  " fit " to be a mother x

The fact that you have posted this and asking for guidance from more experienced WG's  shows how responsible you are and shows how you care about your unborn baby, I would listen to LouLou 100% as she obviosly knows what shes talking about and has been a great help to me since i started this job ( thanks LouLou) Everyone is entitled to there opinon, Especially when you post on here asking for it but i dont think some people are being helpfull ( Sorry Ana but think you could have been a tad more sympathetic, Suggesting that someone may not be fit to be a mother when there clearly hormonal and upset and asking for help isnt very helpful but I can see where your coming from in regards to being realistic)

I hope everything works out for you sweetie, As i said in PM im here for a natter or shoulder to cry on if needed xxx
x im not perfect, Im just me ....... Princess P x

secretcallgirl91

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #7 on: 20 May 2012, 08:11:20 pm »
Thank you princess.


I have asked for help and advice to get out of escorting not asked about my parenting skills and if I am fit to be a mother.

And if you must know I had an abortion at 18 because my boyfriend at the time MADE me have unprotected sex to get me pregnant on purpose, stalked and harassed me and pushed me about, called me vile vile names and hes only stopped harassing me since he found out i was pregnant this time round with my new boyfriend and that was almost 3 years ago i had the abortion. there was no way I was able to keep that baby and ready for that. I would never go through the pain of an abortion again.
I did not plan this baby but I have been given a second chance and the best gift I could ever ask for after that and all the other complicated sadness in my life.

I'm trying to do the right thing now and put the past behind me, and escorting for the time being.
does anybody know if there Is their any councilors or anyone I could talk to professionally to help me in regards to being a sex worker?
« Last Edit: 20 May 2012, 08:14:03 pm by secretcallgirl91 »
Sometimes it's not the youngest or the richest clients you want or the ones you have most in common with.

For me the perfect partner is one where I never have to be myself.

secretcallgirl91

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #8 on: 20 May 2012, 08:13:11 pm »
    /
Sometimes it's not the youngest or the richest clients you want or the ones you have most in common with.

For me the perfect partner is one where I never have to be myself.

ana30

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #9 on: 20 May 2012, 08:15:05 pm »
Quote
Sorry Ana but think you could have been a tad more sympathetic, Suggesting that someone may not be fit to be a mother when there clearly hormonal and upset and asking for help isnt very helpful but I can see where your coming from in regards to being realistic)

Sorry, you're right that was pretty harsh (apologies). I should have found a nicer way of expressing my opinion.
« Last Edit: 20 May 2012, 08:24:54 pm by Ana30 »
"Sex work is real work, being a landlord isn't" - Graffitti seen on a wall.

SuperSass

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #10 on: 20 May 2012, 08:47:11 pm »
I think you need to try and link in with a midwife as soon as you can, especially as you've had a history of depression. Your hormones are going to be all over the place and Ante-Natal depression is quite common, so there's nothing to be worried about if you feel they may judge you. They're really just there to help, and as great as the SAAFE board is, I think you probably need to get some advice from professionals.
The stress from living a secret double life isn't going to go away by hoping/wishing. You need to make some big decisions, that are well thought out. Only you really know how well your partner will be able to support you, but don't forget that we live in a welfare society, and as crap as benefits are if you need them they are there.

Thinking of you, hope everything goes OK (and remember it's Sunday - the worst day for emotional crisis-es, so didn't spell that right).

Lots of love and best wishes,

Sass xx

LouLou37

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #11 on: 20 May 2012, 08:58:26 pm »
Have PM'ed you secretcallgirl x x x
"Good things come to those who hustle" Anais Nin

danae

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #12 on: 20 May 2012, 09:02:17 pm »
SCG I?m really sorry to hear about the tough time you?re going through. Unfortunately I?m not in the best position myself so not really the best person to be dishing out advice to others but just wanted to say I hope you manage to sort things out and best of luck with however you choose to proceed  :)  xxx

ParisB

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #13 on: 21 May 2012, 12:16:12 am »
i  think as your young ( not being rude) but you have to think can I look after this baby myself  on my own without my boyfriend because at your age the chance of you becoming a single mother on your own with a child is pretty high ( and i have been that person a long time ago) 
Guys will come and go throughout your life  but your child will be there with you forever  so if you want to have this child its likely that you will be a single mother sooner rather than later  that not  to say that your child father wont have an imput in its life but  you dont have to be with him to allow that 

and  from what you have said about your boyfriend he sounds like a cocklodger and immature but then again he is 18 and that the mental age of about 13 for your average male so immature is probably not fair   


you could have your child and carry on escorting  have the child that you want and have the work and money that you want their is nothing wrong with that  ( thats what i did a long time ago )


 you also need to remember that depending on where you live ( if london) then the benefit system is changing hugely over the next year or so  and you wont get as much housing benefit thats availble at the moment for those that  live in london and need a roof over theire  head

 my friend has just had to move out of london and back to wales as the cap on housing benefit meant she could no longer afford her flat for her and her two kids 


money stuff

if you go to a website called entitled to you can put in your weekly earnings what benefit you get ( easy to work out as they are pretty much bog standard) and they will calculate what benefits you get for housing benefit and council tax

if you google tax credits  you can  put in a claim  to see what you would get  you dont process it cos you havnt had baby yet but if you do it as if you have
   So you put in your single one child  and how much you earn it will come back with how much you should get each week

   
So for example if you got your dad to pay you say less money  between 50 - 60  a week rather than 100 and you  worked 18 hrs a week   you would  get the maxiumum amount of working tax credit  and child tax credit and child benefit of approximently which would be roughly 140  a week  + 50 from your dad so thats almost 200 a week for working 18 hours
 
you would on that be entitled to probably full housing benefit  give or take say 10 pounds or so but probably you would get the maxium amount  so if your rent is  100 a week you might have to pay anything from 1pound to say 10 pound as a rough guide on those figures and probably  full council tax  would get paid as well  give or take the odd few pounds 

providing that your rent was within the LHA which depends on where you live  but you would be entitled to a two bed allowance once the baby is born and where i live in the southwest  i think around 600 a month in london its higher but thats all changing soon 

So just on that you would be getting 180 -200  a week for working a min of  18 hours a week with no rent /council tax or if you did have to pay any it would be very little   

Even if you were earning the 100 a week you would still get help with your rent and council tax
however this is just rough calculations that i did online and things are changing  with the universal tax credits 

best of luck

secretcallgirl91

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Re: finding my double life extremely hard. cant cope.
« Reply #14 on: 21 May 2012, 12:51:14 pm »
i  think as your young ( not being rude) but you have to think can I look after this baby myself  on my own without my boyfriend because at your age the chance of you becoming a single mother on your own with a child is pretty high ( and i have been that person a long time ago) 

i think i can look after the baby by myself and have really good family support. he cant wait for the baby and will be working away weekends and said when hes home he wants to look after the baby and take it off my hands. whether this does happen is a different question. i think he will be a good dad but he needs to sort his finances out and realize his priorities HAVE to change.
i am not perfect and cant pass all the blame on him as i have caused some arguments, which is lying because of this job.
but the way he is dealing with this situation in terms of thinking i am his skivvy and he gets everything on a plate is not going to happen. i've told him hes not coming in my house or flat when i move in if he doesn't clear up after himself and im not going to be with someone who cant prioritize.

i dont live in london, i live in the south east.
thank you for the info on benefits etc i will look into that x
Sometimes it's not the youngest or the richest clients you want or the ones you have most in common with.

For me the perfect partner is one where I never have to be myself.