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Author Topic: Do you find it harder to find common ground with civvy female friends?  (Read 2825 times)

northernstar

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« Last Edit: 21 August 2022, 02:08:47 pm by northernstar »

Escortx

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Yes definitely but mostly with money. My friends don’t have as much as me since I started sex work full time. Sometimes it’s difficult

amy

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Yes definitely but mostly with money. My friends don’t have as much as me since I started sex work full time. Sometimes it’s difficult

I got exactly this - the only thing I ever found difficult or awkward in the early days was friends assuming that I suddenly had tons of money and certainly loads more than them, which was sometimes true and sometimes not. It did make me feel as if I couldn't complain if I got an unexpectedly big bill or whatever.

I’m just catching up with my female friend I haven’t seen in ages and who never did Sex work and notice that we have less and less to talk about. She’s more into casual free hookup sex (usually tinder finds, Bareback) and I just can no longer wrap my head around it. I just see no point. Also having seen various chats she has on the hookup sites with her dates, I’m appalled at these males entitlement and rudeness, things I would never tolerate from the hooker perspective. She also engages in risky behaviours like bareback with strangers, meeting them for sex on first date etc. I feel she also has too much tolerance for arseholes. It saddens me.

Equally, whilst she’s curious, she doesn’t understand the hooker view point and doesn’t understand how can I do such things with people I’m not attracted to.

I don't think any of my friends really pay that much attention to my job and nor do I theirs, but I suppose that's just because other people's work has never been something people I know have found that interesting to talk about. You both sound very judgemental of each others' choices, so I'd say you're probably just incompatible as friends and it's probably better to just let it go; I certainly don't comment on how other adults conduct their personal lives, and I can't see that ever ending well.

Justine

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Apart from back stabbing and two faced so called civvy friends and certain family members (sorry had to get that one in there), my most notable irritation is when a civvy woman who knows how I make my living can not get her head around the fact that when not working I have ZERO interest in picking up randoms for drunken shagathons.

It's that old belief that if a woman gets paid for sex then she must be a 24 hour slag and totally devoid of any morals or standards.

sigh 😕

amy

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So women who enjoy picking up randoms for casual sex are 'slags' who have 'no morals or standards'? I spent a fair amount of my twenties doing exactly that and having a fantastic time, so that's me told  ::)

We'll take the misogyny down a notch now, please.

fallen angel

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None of my civvy friends know what I do for a living so money  can be an issue.
They can't always afford to go out or take holidays with me which is a shame when I have free time and they are working long hours in poorly paid jobs. So yes, sometimes it can be difficult.
« Last Edit: 21 August 2022, 05:27:19 pm by fallen angel »

pussycat

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Some of my civvie friends know about my escorting and some don't. With the ones who know they understand I'm shagging guys I otherwise wouldn't, but some of my best client connections, and rumpy pumpy, have been with men I never would've crossed paths with. Most 'get' what I do. I've lost what were friends and family members after disclosing being an escort. But in a way that's a positive thing because what's to say these ignoramuses wouldn't judge and abandon me over anything else? I don't expect people to agree with my choice, likewise I won't agree with all of theirs. But I do like challenging and clearing up misconceptions about escorting, and then they realise it's not a lot different to what everyone else is doing on a pro bono basis. I've always said the test for anyone to decide whether or not they could be an escort is to look at every bloke they pass in a day, and unless they could see themselves shagging them all then escorting wouldn't be right for them. When chatting sex with friends I talk about the sex I have, omitting the in exchange for cash part to some. I'm very vanilla, so my civvie and work sex doesn't vary, unless I'm catering to any specific requests.

If you find your views are at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to sex then focus on other aspects of your friendship. Unless she's being cruel then agree to disagree. You can offer advice as a friend about concerns regarding her risky behaviour. It's up to her whether she's receptive to it, but it's likely she's aware of the risks and still chooses to do what she does. You can mention the STI tests you get posted and say how simple they are, because many of my civvie friends still think to get tested you have to physically go to a clinic and have no idea. There are some friends who I can't talk about things with because of how differently we feel, like Brexit for example, so we just don't go there. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle, but have seen many escorts who do get taken advantage of by 'friends' with sob stories about how they can't pay their rent etc. I just adjust conversations occasionally, such as when out with friends who can't wait for pay day I'm not going to tell them about a spa day that a client has bought for me. It's important to have friends, like escorts, who you feel comfortable talking about a good week to where you've made a few £k, because they'll understand that is simply a good week and not the norm and that work can dry up for months. As well as being judgy about being an escort, money can be a major issue too with civvie friends assuming you're loaded.

English Green

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I suppose the difference is your friend is mostly looking for good sex with men she mostly finds attractive which a lot do now days, and more so since the internet and dating apps took off.

As you 2 are friends no doubt she is aware how paid sex works and i would imagine she knows that the men we see for paid sex can not only be unattractive but some very smelly horrid experiences too so i can see why she has that opinion, a lot of non sex workers could never do this job.

As for her doing bareback with casual hook ups well maybe sex workers might have been considered less risk and a bit safer 25 plus years ago when most sex workers used a condom for everything but now days a huge percentage do not use condoms with clients for every booking with every service that carries a risk so i don't see why she is any different to us really. Sex workers are not a safer bet then someone meeting men how she does.

It sounds like there is a difference of opinion and morals on both sides here and maybe you just both growing apart.

northernstar

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« Last Edit: 21 August 2022, 02:09:06 pm by northernstar »

English Green

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More fool her Northern Star but i think everybody knows Tinder seems to be used more for sex hook ups then any other dating app. It is just known for that type of behaviour so no surprise.

amy

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Re: Do you find it harder to find common ground with civvy female friends?
« Reply #10 on: 21 August 2022, 12:52:12 pm »
I didn’t sleep tonight just thinking and worrying about the trajectory. Also made me realise how sex work changes one’s outlook on dating and relationships, how it fine tunes the “asshole radar” as well as solidifies boundaries that aren’t there to be pushed or negotiated.

Is your friend aware that you're posting details of her life on a public internet forum to be discussed by strangers, not that it's going to be since she is not a sex worker nor here to speak for herself?

By referring to 'freebies' you're assigning a monetary value to something that most people don't (which I suspect is what's difficult/jarring to you), but casual sex is no more 'freebies' than cooking somebody dinner is 'freebies' just because restaurants exist and make it possible to pay someone to do it.

You seem a bit overinvested in her life, tbh. Do you maybe have trouble separating sex work from people's normal dating/shagging behaviour?

English Green

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Re: Do you find it harder to find common ground with civvy female friends?
« Reply #11 on: 21 August 2022, 01:17:18 pm »
Bloodyhell could not have put it better myself Amy, casual sex with guys you find attractive is not what i would ever class as freebies it's nothing to do with paid sex work.

The restaurant example is spot on.

northernstar

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Re: Do you find it harder to find common ground with civvy female friends?
« Reply #12 on: 21 August 2022, 02:14:19 pm »
“Freebies” I mean sex that these guys get off her without having to make any effort to get it, be it money, commitment or at least respectful treatment of her.

Never mind, I just see an unhappy person making choices she already isn’t enjoying, seeing those blokes mistreat her, and I care. Only posted here as I don’t have the chance to discuss anything sw related in the civvy setting. I never named anyone or disclosed identifying details  either.

Her life and hope nothing bad results from these choices, having now parted, didn’t make any remarks and just left her to it .

🤷‍♀️
« Last Edit: 21 August 2022, 02:18:14 pm by northernstar »

English Green

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Re: Do you find it harder to find common ground with civvy female friends?
« Reply #13 on: 21 August 2022, 03:59:48 pm »
Northern Star there is nothing you can do if she is letting men treat her bad i seen it happen with friends of mine. Some attention off men is better then none in some people's eyes. Some people are lonely without having partner or partners and would prefer to have someone even if they get treated like shit.

Equally though your friend might worry about you too doing sex work, meeting strangers that could turn on us at any minute which does happen. Ideal world we all want to be treated well but that is just not life.

MissStar

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Re: Do you find it harder to find common ground with civvy female friends?
« Reply #14 on: 22 August 2022, 11:15:36 am »
I do find friendships harder with civvy friends, and ex worker friends too come to think if it.

My best friend has never done this work. Doesn't judge me, but does the married punters. I've found as time has gone on, we have less and less in common.
I have little to talk about other than work and she's now a grandmother so either has the child there (stopping my conversation) or only really talks about the child or her own children. We don't go out together for shopping, lunch or spa so why are we still friends???

My ex worker friends I hear from less and less. Since covid, all but 1 of them have moved into different areas workwise, non of which are in the adult industry. We were in a chat group together which was on the daily but gradually dwindled. It makes me sad.