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Author Topic: A new response to bareback requests...  (Read 11018 times)

Steele

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A new response to bareback requests...
« on: 23 July 2010, 02:47:36 pm »
I had a no show, I was bored and I was answering my emails. If my maths is wrong I'm going to cry, but I had a good laugh writing this.

Quote from: Idiot Client
Hi

I am writing to you to ask if you would consider offering the service of bareback sex for a meeting with me. I have never had unprotected sex before and I am now more than curious as to the feeling and sensations of this over protected sex. I am prepared to pay whatever you would be willing to offer this service for. I also would be prepared to provide any required health certificates. My request is 100% genuine.

Quote from: Me
Ok, as I'm sure you understand I cannot accept your word that you have never had risky sex before, and certificates are easily faked (not to mention the fact that they are out of date the day you get them because of the 3 month window period for the HIV virus). Therefore I would view this as a very high risk activity.

My ability to have sex is worth between ?200 and ?1500 a week. Let's average that out at ?650. If I provided you with bareback sex I would be ethically bound not to risk any other gentleman's health by having any kind of sexual contact with him so could not work for 3 months. Let's even that out and call it 12 weeks. That is ?7800.

There is also a risk of me contracting HIV, as I said I cannot take your word or a piece of paper against my health. If I contract HIV I will have a maximum of 20 years to live, meaning I will die by the age of 40, cutting my life expectancy in half. Obviously at that time my suffering will be over, but my fiance (who by then will be my husband) will be left without my income or my companionship.

Therefore, I would require my full ?650 per week for the next 20 years, to make up for my early retirement. This is ?676,000. After my death, I think a flat rate of compensation for my husband would be ?100,000 which he could use to buy a new place away from our memories, go on a few nice holidays or adequately drown his sorrows in expensive champagne. He would then require an income for the next 20 years I would have been working before my projected retirement age of 60. It can reasonably be expected that in the 40-60 range I might be less busy, due to my age and also due to being tired from many years in the business. We'll call that a nice ?400,000.

Naturally, I would require the full fee upfront, as I can't trust you to make the regular payments, especially after my death. Therefore, please present to me in pounds sterling cash at the start of your appointment the sum of ?1,183,800. I am aware that this is a large sum of money, but, as you said, you are willing to pay whatever I am willing to offer bareback for. This is in fact a very generous offer as I have not even charged you my usual ?100 hourly fee! I'm sure you will be in touch with your bank first thing Monday morning. I look forward to our meeting,

Krystal
Previously known as Krystal Champagne

misscleo

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #1 on: 23 July 2010, 02:50:32 pm »
Haha thats awesome!!! You rock Krystal :D

Blue

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #2 on: 23 July 2010, 02:58:57 pm »
Bloody brilliant  ;D

Lucy Chambers

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #3 on: 23 July 2010, 03:40:32 pm »
 ;D

Jessica_london

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #4 on: 23 July 2010, 03:43:00 pm »
That's hilarious   ;D

*amber*

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #5 on: 23 July 2010, 03:49:26 pm »
That was EPIC. I am going to copy that, adapt it and put it as a template for emails!

EmilyJones

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #6 on: 23 July 2010, 03:51:13 pm »
Excellent. ;D
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Reconnect counselling

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #7 on: 23 July 2010, 07:27:12 pm »
love it!  :P  :D
Sometimes you just want to be able to speak to someone who gets it. I'm available for in-person sessions in Edinburgh or online

UrbaneAspects

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #8 on: 23 July 2010, 08:18:18 pm »
LOL, I laughed my ass off on this one.

I like where you said, "I have to have the money upfront because I cant trust you to make payments after I die"

Just thank goodness it wasn't Bill Gates or Donald Trump, because they'd have no issue coming up with LOL.

BubblyBee

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #9 on: 23 July 2010, 11:29:33 pm »
Bloody brilliant!  ;D

If it's ok, I think I too will be copying this response for future emails

Miss Bond ;)

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #10 on: 24 July 2010, 12:41:06 am »
Krystal I think you should copyright that!! If I ever use it I will put copyright to you.


YOU GO GIRL!!!  ;D

You've made me laugh more than I have in a long, long time
I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside I've got the month of May.

Steele

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #11 on: 24 July 2010, 01:57:52 am »
Heh thanks everyone :D it is totally stealable btw. Feel free to fuck with the maths to add your own totals :P
Previously known as Krystal Champagne

Simone

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #12 on: 24 July 2010, 09:13:21 am »
I got that email as well Krystal (and quite a few other girls in Newcastle have ive heard, hes spreading his net wide ;D)
I didnt answer and just blocked him from contacting me again. Anyway i went on AW last night and hes left me feedback only saying 'Simone was busy'

Eh????  I put a response on saying he was blocked by me for requesting Bareback sex and advising all other ladies to avoid.

There really are some scary men doing the rounds out there, cant they get their heads tattooed to warn us or something?

casey_kisses

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #13 on: 24 July 2010, 12:00:11 pm »
Krystal you have made what was a crappy day uber-funny  :D

Thank You!

xx
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
- Albus Dumbledore

Lushious Louisa

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Re: A new response to bareback requests...
« Reply #14 on: 24 July 2010, 02:53:31 pm »
I love it Krystal  ;D